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A Dreamlike Conflict
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A Dreamlike Conflict |
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Don_Juan Member
since 2004-04-08
Posts 252Far from where I am going 
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(This was just an attempt at some prose. I have become a bit burned out on poetry because of lack of inspiration, so i figured short stories may be a way to resolve my problem. any feed back will be helpful.) ---------------------------------------------------- Writers Block I had had enough of this mind numbness. It was time for it to end. The hallway was dark and seemed longer than it had ever been before. I stood breathing heavily as I watched a pulsating red light illuminate and shine out of the second room in that hall. With caution, I made my way to that doorway. I paused for a second, and, before turning, I took a deep breath in order to try and calm my racing mind. Then, upon exhaling that breath of thought reorganization, I turned to face my formidable foe. He sat there as if he had been born into that chair. He was an older looking man with gray, granite like skin, wrapped in a black ceremonial robe with red trim. The hood of the robe was brought up and over his head casting a shadow across his face. His figure was outlined with that ominous red aura. He breathed slowly as his bright white eyes shot up to meet mine. “I’ve been expecting you for some time.” He said as an evil smile crossed his face. “I know what you are, old man, and I’m here to rid this place of you.” I shot back nervously. He raised his head and drew back the hood that had enshrouded his face revealing a twisted and wrinkled face. His eyes could be seen better now. They were full white with vertical slit pupils. He had a strong cleft chin that led up to a shard jaw line. His hair was white and short but extremely thick. It seemed this man was made of both youthful and aged characteristics. He leaned forward in his chair slightly never moving his eyes from mine. In the middle of his stare down, he leaned his head back and let out a maniacal laugh. “You… You are going to destroy me?” he shouted laughingly “You Imbecile! I have more strength in my thoughts than you could ever try and possess within your entire being. Where is your army? Because you can never hope to defeat me alone.” “I will write through you. You are nothing more than a block.” I said calmly moving towards the seated man. His facial expression returned to intensity upon hearing my words. He leaped from his chair and with one quick motion, he grasped my throat with a single arm and pinned me against the wall. I used both of my hands and braced myself upon his arm. I could do nothing but hang in his grasp. “You can never destroy me. You are too lazy and lethargic to even attempt such a task as writing through me.” He hissed, “You are the one who created me, don’t you remember? You spread yourself so thin with meaningless words and never expanding your life support vocabulary. It is your lack of effort and lack of creativity that lets me thrive.” I realized then, as his grip on my throat tightened, that he was truthful in all that he spoke. My own inadequacies were his fuel. But I could not give up; I could not give in to his will. “You… You’ve underestimated me old man,” I said struggling for air, “You’ve never seen my determination.” Shocked, His grip on my throat loosened slightly. I brought my right arm off of his and drove my elbow into his bicep. The force of my elbow blow caused him to release me from his grasp. He took a few steps back, his eyes wide with amazement. “Where is this coming from?” He asked shaking his head in disbelief. “Only out of pure distaste for you, wrinkles.” I said defiantly. I reached down into my pocket and pulled out my instrument from which the coup de grace would be delivered- my pen. Then, without thinking, I sat in his chair and wrote. I wrote what needed to be written, and I wrote nonsense that would be made sense of at a later date. And, with each word written, the old man whom had plagued me for so long disappeared into the nothingness from which he came. nice use of muffin |
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| © Copyright 2006 John Lervezuk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Klassy Lassy Member Elite
since 2005-06-28
Posts 2187Oregon |
Hi! I like your story. The character of the demon pitted against your hero is well described, both visually and in action. The personification of writer's block is interesting and clever. One thing that would make this easier to read is to separate the paragraphs with a space. The word "I" very frequently begins your sentences. Some of them could begin with clauses. Eliminating unnecessary words will tighten the narrative and lessen the use of that first person pronoun, besides adding impact to the delivery of this write. Not using the same words in repetition will also enhance the pace. Fewer conjunctions may help your story read more succinctly. Prepositional phrases like 'in order to try' could be eliminated or shortened. Reading line by line to simplify ideas helps isolate these instances. It also helps identify awkward thoughts to read each line aloud as you edit. If is does not feel natural audibly, it probably could use some revision. These are easier to spot when you return to re-read what you have penned later. Wherever you can, show action, instead of telling. It adds intrigue. Your use of dialogue is good, although, again I would simplify some of the sentences for impact. Make sure that a new paragraph begins when the characters change, either in the action or dialogue. When you are trying to portray the adversary as evil and powerful, extra words lessen the effect. You may wish to examine how you use "would" and "could" in this write. "Would" is more forceful in certain instances. In my opinion, you have a very good start on this short story. With some minor changes, it will work very well! ~ Karen ~ [This message has been edited by Klassy Lassy (02-19-2006 02:46 AM).] |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
I like it. The way you discribed the characteristics of the block and every single action had great discription. I would love to read more Jessica |
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