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PDV's Dialogue Challenge/ Improved Version (I hope)
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PDV's Dialogue Challenge/ Improved Version (I hope) |
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Sadelite Member Elite
since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519 |
“There, I think I’ve got it! Does it still show?” “Don’t think so, but turn around Sexy, and I’ll check it out! EeYaw!” “You jerk, you’ve got a one track mind, and it "ain’t" on the weather we’re having! Now, get serious! Does my slip show?” “You’re fine, Babe--don’t worry so much!" "Who's worrying? Besides you'd better quiet down for a while. It looks like they're about ready to start the formalities.“ “Ladies and Gentleman…eh hm, eh hm… just a moment… Is this microphone working?” “Let’s hope so! I’m so hungry I could, I could eat a –” “A moose, Babe?” “You’re so cruel! And, here I lost five pounds just to lure you by my dress? Forget Y-O-U!” “But how can you refuse such a dashing young man as myself? I look almost as debonair as the honored guest who they are about ready to introduce!” “Speaking of him, who IS he? I know him; I’m SURE I know him from somewhere.” “Shhh… you’re about to find out; it looks like Bruce got the sound system going!” “And last, but not least, I’d like to introduce to you our honored guest from…” “So that’s who he is! He’s been at my brother’s house several times for fund raisers and such—I should have recognized him right off. I wonder if he’ll remember me. What do you say we have a little fun with this guy?" “Sure..." “Ok. His table is over there next to the serving line. Look at him greeting everyone he meets! It’s a good thing there aren’t any babies around or he'd be kissing every one! Just listen to him!" “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cook. It’s so nice to meet you. Mr. and Mrs. Brown, what a pleasure it is. Mr. and Mrs. Smith, so nice to meet you. Mr. Sites, what a pleasure.” "Did you hear him? He's even got it down to abab pattern? Just watch this!" "I'm a-watching you, Babe. Every inch!" "Not that, Silly! Take heed and listen to this pro as she speaks to our dignitary! OK? Here goes:" “Hello. It’s good to see you in these parts again.” “Thank you, Ma’am. It's so nice to meet you. Enjoy the evening.” “Eh-hm, eh-hm! I believe we may have met before..." “It’s a large district Ma’am. Perhaps, we have. As I said, It’s been nice to meet you. Now, if you'll excuse me...” “Of course. And, Sir, I’ll be sure to give my big brother, R.J., your warmest regards. I know he would have enjoyed being here for this occasion, but unfortunately, he just flew to his winter retreat on Thursday. One can’t blame him; the island is lovely during this time of year.” “Did you say, R.J.? “ “Why, yes I did!” “That wouldn't be R.J. Cummings, would it?” “OH?????????? Gentlemen, clear a space for a couple of chairs immediately! You MUST be seated at our table!” [This message has been edited by Sadelite (03-10-2005 08:58 PM).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Are you looking for some constructive critiquing of your work? I can do it if you like. There are some things here that need tightening up. Either here, or via email, let me know Sadie!  And thanks for taking the challenge, I'm really impressed that we have so many willing to write prose! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Like Sharon, I am hesitant to critique. (I had to beg for criticism.  )I hate to do that sometimes because it makes me feel like a "know-it-all", and hey, I'm just struggling to learn like everybody else. I could SEE the action through the dialogue, but confess I got confused here: " “Ladies and Gentleman…eh hm, eh hm… just a moment… Is this microphone working? Testing one , two… Thank you, Bob. I think we have it now… “Let’s hope so! I’m so hungry I could eat a ” “A moose? I’m just kidding, just kidding! It amazes me how you manage to stay thin and sleek, considering how much you eat! And speaking of appearance,you clean up pretty good!“" But all in all, I think you did a fine job of setting the scene through dialogue alone. This challenge is deceptive in that it is tougher than it seems. There are a few tricks to dialogue that I use without the repetive "he said/she said" technique. Sometimes I just immediately describe an action, without attributing the particular comment with "blah blah" he said. For example: * * * "I'm really worried about our son." Her husband wrinkled his brow and he rubbed his forehead--a tell-tale sign of stress that Carla knew well. "Sometimes I worry about you." She took his hand away from his face then, and replaced it with a kiss. * * * But then, that wasn't the challenge.  I just wanted to demonstrate another way of handling dialogue, as while I do believe it's a very good exercize/challenge, I think the technique should be used sparingly in order to avoid confusion. And I hope this didn't come off sounding harsh--sometimes I have the grace and subtlety of a garbage truck at five a.m. But I emphasize that overall, I thought you did a fine job, as I could see the action through the conversation.  |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
I agree, the dialogue is great, not that I am an expert on any sort of writing, just trying like the rest of us, but I think introducing more than one person was brave, but I also think it got confusing as to who was talking when. Other than that Sadie, I applaud you for doing this, I didn't even think of more than one person! Look at what I wrote, sheesh, I am pretty much talking inside my own head! |
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Sadelite Member Elite
since 2003-10-11
Posts 2519 |
Even the improved version needs improvement! I think I bit off more than I could chew with this one. Trying to bring in the extra character was difficult to do, but when I thought about writing dialogue, I couldn't help but remember and chuckle at being in this situation before. I don't mean disrespect to our dignitaries, but the particular one I ran into changed his personality so substantially after he found out my bloodline. I felt it amusing... My critique? Blah--too long and drug out! In spite of that, it was an interesting and profitable exercise! |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
aww no way, you wrote, that is what matters. It is the initial spark that gets you going. Go look at the crap I have posted . . . we only learn by doing and this is much better. Good for you . . . |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I hope you'll join us for the next challenge. Each time you stretch your writing skills, you get better!! |
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