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My Horse, My Escape
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My Horse, My Escape |
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Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding 
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Dear... Someone... Maybe you'll read this when I need you to... maybe you won't. The clouds are raining, the sky is crying, and I feel like the world's against me tonight. I've fallen for someone I can't have right now, and it hurts... sucks... bites... whatever word you would choose. One night made me feel this way, what would an entire relationship make me feel like? I'd be so dependant, and I'd lose myself entirely. This is why I can't have a "real" relationship. I turn into someone else, and I don't like it. Every minute of it I curse myself for my stupidity and my weakness. Some would say my greatest weakness is my greatest strength. I don't agree. If having emotions and tears is a strength, then I'm sorry, but I guess I'm just not strong. I don't do that; I won't do that. It's easier to ignore it all, pretend everything is fine, hide from myself, and then I'm happy. I'm exhausted, my tears burn my eyes, and my throat aches from needing to cry; and the torrents flow. The floodgates are open and I cry for reasons unknown to me. I'm sapped of energy, my worry has exhausted me. If only I could sleep it all away but I can't; life goes on. I must find a way to get through this, like I have countless times before. And no one will know... no one will know. Mom will notice my bloodshot eyes... she'll be worried that I'm smoking weed again. Not to worry Mom, it's from tears. I feel segregated from my sister; she's my only link to sanity at this point. Oh God, I don't know what I'll do if her life ends before mine. Please don't take her from me. Not now, not when I've just found a common ground for me to stand on with her. I've finally reached a point where I'm not jealous of her... please don't take her. Maybe it would be easier on me if you took her before I get a chance to get closer to her. Maybe it would be easier on me if I didn't grow close enough to tell her about HIM. And I cry again, remembering the trust I had, not knowing what was to come for me. Sure it was hard for Reena... I don't think even she fully understood what he did to me. He held my trust and my heart in the palm of his hand. And Lord, did he squeeze. He damn near destroyed me. But I endured. I survived. Just as I will survive tonight. And maybe the sun will shine for an hour or two tomorrow so that I can go for a ride and just ride and ride until I've left everything behind and it's just me and my horse, existing as one... the one I will never be able to be with another human being, no matter how much I love him.... In this way I will master myself. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Rhonda Adolph - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Rhonda, ============================== I must find a way to get through this, like I have countless times before. ============================== Even you know you'll get through this. But don't forget how awful life would be if you could not feel at all! Strength. You have it and you've already declared you'll use it. I take comfort in knowing you will be okay. Peace dear girl, this too shall pass.  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
It's really tough to sit down with yourself and all the problems and decide to survive. There are always people here who will help and encourage you, don't hesitate to ask. As for the piece, I feel that this is really more of a catharsis than a work you want picked at, but I'll just say that you may want to seperate it a little, maybe not do it all in one paragraph.  Oh, make me Thine forever |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Horses can be very therapeutic, as can many animals, in part because IF they do accept us at all, we have a loyal pal. You can tell your horse all your troubles and s/he won't spill the beans, not to mention s/he can help heal love's wounds. You will get through this just fine, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for, Rhonda. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
This is an interesting peice of writing Rhonda, I love the title, because you can take it literally rather than just metaphorically. |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
Rhonda, It was my bike that got me through some pretty hard times where I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I rode the level ground with the anger and furry of the wind, but when I came to a hill, I coasted down, feeling a pause and speck of life's tension easing up a bit. The funny thing about hills are that they are a pain to climb, but once you know you've climbed one, you're empowered, knowing that you can climb the next one, too! I hope the hills have become easier for you to climb since you wrote this. If you would like to talk with someone who has, perhaps, felt some of the things you are feeling, feel free to e-mail me. I wish I would have read this sooner! YOu expressed the feeling extremely well, much better than I could ever even attempt... cathy/miscellanea/misc'e |
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wllz.on.ice Junior Member
since 2004-09-07
Posts 35the united kingdom. |
This is really emotional, it touching because there is so much depth. It's like reading a confession after years of pent-up frustration. I hope things work out in your life. If you can write with such honesty you deserve to find another human. Sure horses are great, but they are scared of shadows. My mother's friend nearly died because of a shadow. Maybe you could find emotional support in your sister. It seems you have lost trust because of this man. Remember, he is the smallest minority possible. (it might not seem that way) But my suggestion: Take it slow, feel that strength, find the trust in someone who can handle it. |
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