"Dreams" essay I just HAD to write

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snakeyez
New Member

since 2003-09-23

Posts 3

0 posted 2003-09-23 04:25 AM

Dreams

I’ve noticed that just about everybody has his or her reasons’ for living.   As in why someone gets up every morning.  Some people it may be for their job, their family, or for some material object that they are pursuing. For me, it’s the dreams I have each and every night about a particular individual.  I have found someone that encompasses everything that makes me want to be alive.  I never thought that something so beautiful and so “what I need” could be wrapped up into one individual, but it is.

I am extremely fortunate to be as close to her as I am. I spend a fair amount of time with her, and I have actually climbed damn near the top of her “friendship scale” if you will.  But a friend is as close as I am ever going to get to her. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, everything I want is still going to be just that, wanted.  This is where my dreams take their important role in my life.

In my dreams, she is right beside me.  My arms are squeezed around her so tight.  I can stare into her eyes, and inevitably, a smile makes its way onto my face. I have her. Everything I want is in my arms, looking at me. Chills run throughout my body because I can feel her next to me. Chills run throughout my body as I type this right now because I can see her face right there.  As my dream continues, I go so far as to actually imagine a relationship with her.  I tell her how lucky I am to have her.  I am constantly awe-struck at what I have.

But as all other shimmers do, this one must also fade away.  I try to keep my eyes closed as long as possible so my dream can continue. So she can stay beside me a little bit longer. So I wont have to open my eyes and face reality. But sure enough, I do open my eyes and she isn’t there. My arms are tightly locked around my extra pillow and emptiness fills both my eyesight and my mind.

So I go about my day. I do my routine. Sometimes, if I am lucky, she will be a part of my routine and more memories will be etched into my mind.

I can almost hear the critics: “get over her”, “find someone else”, “you’re wasting your time.”   I wish it were that easy. I wish there was some switch I could flip and my feelings would change. Trust me, I would have flipped that switch long ago.

So I continue on with my life, waiting for the days to come to an end where I can make my own little world again with her being a part of it.  It’s what I look forward to. Ironically, it’s why I wake up, so I can go back to sleep.

And to the guy that will eventually get to live in my dreams as his reality, I hope you figure out how lucky you are. You are in a place I can only dream about. So good night, sweet dreams.

Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

1 posted 2003-09-23 07:43 PM

For your first post this was good, I enjoy reading personal essays and I thought yours was done well

-ash

I wear my crown of thorns
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

snakeyez
New Member

since 2003-09-23

Posts 3

2 posted 2003-09-25 12:25 PM

Thanks. I was wondering if anybody even hung out in here. LOL

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

3 posted 2003-09-25 12:59 PM

Okay you basically wrote everything I have been going through for the last year.

The only difference is I wouldn't flip that switch if I had it, because what little time I get with him I want.  I want all the memories.

I hope you write more because I was completely engrossed.

Susan

snakeyez
New Member

since 2003-09-23

Posts 3

4 posted 2003-09-26 01:16 AM

Well Susan,

The reason I would "flip the switch" if I could is because I have been feeling this way for over 4 years now. I have surpassed the point of kidding myself into believing something is going to happen with her, and I truly believe I would be happier if I could only see her as a friend and not have to constantly deal with the pain of knowing I can't have her.

I dont know how long you have been dealing with your situation, but hopefully it is still early in the game, and you still have enough time to ultimately get what you want.

Me, I am forever stuck on the "friendship ladder." I wouldnt wish the 4+ years I have had on anybody. It truly has eaten away at me for some time now.

Give me some more information on your situation, and maybe I could help you out.

cuda04
Junior Member

since 2003-09-03

Posts 46
Wisconsin,USA

5 posted 2003-09-26 11:11 PM

I have gone through a situation such as this, but it was more to the effect that I did have him...and then didn't anymore. I have discovered that wishes do not come true and that with only work can they cease to exist. I have moved on, finally. As I was driving home from the house of my current boy friend, I passed his house...(the one I wished about) and I thought..."Do I still love him?" the only answer I could muster was that I wish I did, and wish he did, but wishes, must stop.

Great post, keep em' coming.

Always look forward, never look back, dreams are much more refreshing than regrets.

merlynh
Member

since 1999-09-26

Posts 411
deer park, wa

6 posted 2003-10-14 01:30 AM

This is really sweet, and written pretty well too, the feelings behind this one sided love affair is obviously one sided. I told one of my teenager sweethearts how I felt about her 25 years ago, and she was surprised to hear I had deep feelings for her at all. I knew she didn't have feelings for me then, but I felt ashamed to tell her. I could not bear the fact of what I knew to be true, it was much more pleasant to dream. The dream was far better all those years than hearing the truth. Funny as it may seem I wish I wouldn't have ever told her, old as the dream was it was still mine alone. Maybe some things are better off not being shared, sometimes our gut feelings are right.

Thanks for the memories.

River
Senior Member

since 2003-09-16

Posts 627
my own little world

7 posted 2003-10-17 09:52 PM

wow...this was...really really good. it is the exact same story about a guy i was crazy about for like...5 years? i remember having so many actual dreams about him finally loving me and... me being so happy and everything that's in your essay...and then waking up and realising it was all just a dream. i think i've gotten over him since i moved on to someone else for awhile, but not completely. i hope that someday your dreams will come true, since i know the frustrations that come with them being shattered.

Love hurts as bad as it feels good.

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

8 posted 2003-10-19 10:25 PM

I think everyone has been in situations like this at one time or another, or at least knows someone else who has. I think sometimes though, the dream itself may be better than the reality.Good luck.

j0n4th4n
Member

since 2003-03-11

Posts 94

9 posted 2003-10-20 02:29 PM

i think you`re a bit over-the-top, to be honest, and I honestly think it is up to you to forget her (that is definately what you should do).

no-one, but no-one, is able to fulfill all your desires, and however much you think that she encompases `all you`ll ever need`, you are wrong. you need much, much more! life isnt just about love, and it is NOT the most important thing.

If you ever realised your dream, you would see this.

Dont waste your life like this! Travel. See the world!

Stop moping!

merc
Junior Member

since 2003-10-15

Posts 35

10 posted 2003-10-20 10:33 PM

as harsh as it sounds, listen to this man.

I don't want to get into details, but I've lived this, and too a certain extent I still am. I don't want to be crushingly pessimistic so I won't tell you exactly my circumstances except to say, I wish I'd given up the idea and gone on with my life 10 years ago.

j0n4th4n
Member

since 2003-03-11

Posts 94

11 posted 2003-11-06 05:33 PM

how do you know that all youll ever be is her friend? why dont you ask her out?

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