»
Main Forums
»
Passions in Prose
»
character description
| Passions in Prose |
|
character description |
|
|
davidmerriman Member
since 2003-04-30
Posts 123Dallas, TX |
He was the product of billions of years of evolution. He had broad shoulders, although weak and without muscle and his face was thin and nearly jawless. It was a face that held no scar, rash, or malformation, yet appeared remarkably unhealthy. It was a strange and oddly likeable mixture of eyes, nose, bone, and lips that did not cooperate—normal features broken apart in revolt from a once fine face. The remains of his handsomeness were still there, buried deep in years of leaving his body to waste, and some day, if he wanted to, he could uncover it and brush the repugnance away like dust from a book. But on that cold, early Sunday evening, it laid upon his neck a pale, wrinkled droop eroding away from the elements of deep thought. Still, his defined cheekbones were visible, and his eyes, though never quite focused on this world, were a beautiful mix of green and blue, splashed together as if simultaneously poured down a drain funneling into his iris. They were deep eyes that viewed the world glazed and delusional, and his lids sank heavily upon them like weights. His ears stuck out and sprouted little tuffs of hair, though they were rarely visible amidst his long, matted mane—a mixture of gray and brown, disgusting and beautiful and tangled in dirt. The mistreatment of his hair created thick knots, in which he would pull at, ripping away at himself in boredom or deep thought. It was hard to know just how long his hair was, for it was so wild and unruly that it never stayed straight (his natural form), but it was unarguably much too long, and the infrequent washings made his mesh of knots nasty and foul smelling. Yet, much like his face, in all its repulsiveness his hair had its allure. It was disgusting and damaged—much like a dirty, wounded soldier who hasn’t found the way home yet. He correctly appeared uncared for, left to rot in the foulness of his own incapability. Some would feel pity towards him, as if the poor man had been under such a great stress or suffering that he could not take care of himself or that it no longer mattered to him. Nothing, not even wounds or cuts were tended to, and his hygiene was atrocious by modern standards. Yellow and disarrayed lines of teeth equipped his sagging mouth, and if some poor soul were to actually get close enough to smell his breath, the victim would find a stale repulsion creep through his or her open nose. |
||
| © Copyright 2003 David Merriman - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Lexia Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 111Nowhere |
Not much to say because I don't know in what context this description fits. It's vivid, but I think you've used a few too many adjectives. Sometimes less is more, especially when it comes to fiction writing. Hope this helps, Lexi You may only be one person to the world, but you may also be the world to one person. |
||
|
Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Good descriptions, but like Lex said, its out of context and hard to understand what it is exactly about. Also it doesnt go anywhere, it needs some sort of conclusion. Just my thoughts. "The usefulness of a cup is in its emptiness, for a cup that is full can hold no more." |
||
|
Zyell Member
since 2000-07-28
Posts 121USA |
I agree with the others, the descriptions are good but a little over done. AND what is the purpose, I'm dangling here going, huh? What are you attempting to convey, where is the beef, you set us up and then it goes nowhere. I don't mean to be too harsh because I think your writing has wonderful potential. I do hope you'll write more.... |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
