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Cool Universe XIV
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Cool Universe XIV |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Cool Universe by mirror man Chapter 14 Abnorman walked a couple thousand miles that day, and decided to sit down by the road to rest and contemplate his fate. It seemed to him like a totally crazy way to go about anything -- learning bad spelling and non-sex and Niceness -- and now he was out here, somewhere, walking to his cousin’s house. And for what? To save the universe. From what? He didn’t have any idea. It seemed to him the universe was doing just fine without being saved, and furthermore that if it did want to be saved, it would ask him directly and not pop out at him from the sky or preach at him from a stupid book. Which, by the way, no one wanted to read. I mean, it was really boring. And furthermore, if the universe did need to be saved, it wouldn’t be by an uncool kid who didn’t know anything about anything, but rather a renowned scientist or an army general or a genuine hero or...or...or.... And what the heck is a genuine hero anyway? And why? And so it went. The fact is, if you think about something long enough, you’re bound to find a reason not to do it. Some people call this procrastination, but I prefer to think of it as logic. Which is maybe why they don’t teach logic in schools any more. Everybody’s too busy running around doing things when maybe they ought to take time to consider, at least sometime, what it is they are doing and why they are doing it. Which is exactly what Abnorman was thinking at the time -- a terribly mentally precocious lad, I might add -- when he heard a strange noise. “Pssssst!” it said. Abnorman looked around, but all he saw was a road and a bunch of bushes. “Pssssst!” it said again, and this time Abnorman saw something moving in the bushes. “What?” said Abnorman. And a hand came out of the bushes and waved him in. “In here,” it said. So Abnorman walked closer to the bush and looked in. And there was Cousin Schizotonic looking out at him from inside the bush. “Cousin Schizotonic!” said Abnorman. “What are you doing in a bush?” “Shhhh!” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Quick. In here, before someone sees you.” So Abnorman walked into the bush and followed Cousin Schizotonic down a long stone stairway into the earth. “Gosh, Cousin, why all the secrecy?” said Abnorman. “Shhhh,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “They might hear you.” “Who?” said Abnorman. “Them,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Them who?” said Abnorman as quietly as he could. “Shhhh,” said Cousin Schizotonic. So they walked in silence and total darkness. Gradually a dim light began to glow from ahead and with this the sound of an electrical hum, as from some powerful dynamo surging to life, and amid this the intermittent crackle and snap of deadly discharge in the air. Then suddenly they emerged into a huge subterranean vault. “Wow,” said Abnorman, looking around. Along the walls stood gargantuan machines of gauges, knobs, buttons and levers, humming with a strange kind of electric life. And from the ceiling hung an array of wheels, cables, more levers, and pulleys, waiting, it seemed, for only the command to move. And in the middle of it all stood a small metal table attached to conduits which ran to two huge cone-shaped insulators along which rose rings of glowing electricity which reached up nearly to the top of the chamber where was a sky light and an even bigger lightning rod. “Gosh,” said Abnorman, “what’s all this stuff for?” Yes, and how’d he get a skylight in a subterranean vault? “I’m fighting the war to save the universe,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Really?!” said Abnorman, shocked and happily surprised. “That’s great! I thought I was the only one doing that.” “Yes,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “And there are more.” “Yeah?” “Yes,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “I’m making my army as we speak. They won’t catch me off guard next time.” “That’s great!” said Abnorman again. And then, “Speaking of that...um, who exactly are They anyway?” “Shhh,” said Cousin Schizotonic quietly. “They might hear. And it’s Them.” “Okay,” said Abnorman quietly also. “Who are Them?” “Ohhhh,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Them! Them are everywhere!” And then quickly looking around, “Except here. Them are not here. But everywhere else.” “But what do them look like?” said Abnorman. “Like anyone,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Them could be a doctor, or a teacher, or a TV star, or even...,” looking closely at Abnorman, “a relative.” “Oh, no,” said Abnorman nervously. “I’m not a them.” “Are you sure?” said Cousin Schizotonic looking more closely. “Oh, yes,” said Abnorman, nodding more nervously. Somehow, this wasn’t going just right. “Prove it,” said Cousin Schizotonic. Abnorman didn’t know what to do, so he held up two fingers weakly and said, “Peace, dude.” Cousin Schizotonic looked him over skeptically once more, at his peace sign, at the sincerity of his vacant expression, and said, “Okay.” Adding, “I see a true Californaheimian in you.” Abnorman breathed a sigh of relief. This was just a little more crazy than he had expected. “So tell me,” said Abnorman, “what did them do?” “Them took it all away,” said Cousin Schizotonic resentfully. “Took what away?” said Abnorman, looking around. “Oh no, not this,” said Cousin Schizotonic, waving his arms grandly around and somewhat sarcastically. “No, not this. Just everything else. My wife.” “I thought you were divorced.” “Same thing,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “And my house.” “She got the house.” “Same thing,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “And my kids.” “She got the kids.” “Same thing,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “And my savings.” “You didn’t have any savings,” said Abnorman. “Same thing,” said Cousin Schizotonic. He looked at Abnorman closely again and said, “You sound a lot like them again.” “Oh, sorry,” said Abnorman. “I was just trying to reason it out.” “Reason!” yelled Cousin Schizotonic suddenly. “Yes, tell me the reason.” “I don’t know,” said Abnorman defensively. “Then I’ll tell you,” said Cousin Schizotonic. And here he fell silent, for several seconds, until Abnorman said quietly, “Yes?” “I’m thinking,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Oh,” said Abnorman. So Cousin Schizotonic thought. Finally, after thinking, Cousin Schizotonic suddenly jumped up and said, “Because!!” “What?” said Abnorman. “Because!” said Cousin Schizotonic. “That’s why they did it.” “Oh,” said Abnorman quietly. This was not only sounding genuinely crazy, but terribly familiar. “So why didn’t them take this?” he said. “Because,” said Cousin Schizotonic sadly. Abnorman didn’t know what else to say. And Cousin Schizotonic seemed to need time to himself. The fact was, Cousin Schizotonic had been a real dufus during divorce and had given it all away, for which he could think of a dozen really good reasons at the time but now for some reason he couldn’t think of any. The fact was, there was no law that said you couldn’t be a dufus at any time for any reason, and there still isn’t. There ought to be a law, you know. Suddenly Cousin Schizotonic reached his arms upward and yelled, “GOD! Oh God! Give me peace!” Abnorman didn’t say anything, and Cousin Schizotonic continued, “What have I done? What is my transgression? What is my crime? Accuse me! Name me! What displeases you?” He paused rhetorically, sighed, and continued, “OH, God, at least tell me my crime, so that I may know. And convict me then, and give me sentence, so that I might have hope.” He fell silent again, and continued, “God! God!” No, God never said you couldn’t be a dufus and go to heaven. Then again, maybe he was just a little proud of being a dufus (once). And maybe he had even learned something from it (like not to be too anxious to go to heaven). Suddenly he looked around, looked meekly at Abnorman, and then turned away and whispered, “Stop talking to yourself, you idiot!” And then, “What?” And he looked backward at Abnorman and then away again and down and said, “That’s right, we’re not alone.” And then suddenly, “Ha! Ha! Hahahahaha!” And he began jumping and laughing and screaming until Igor came over and slapped him in the face. Whack! “Thanks,” said Cousin Schizotonic, “I needed that.” And he slapped Igor back. “You bastard!” Igor went back over to the side table where he had apparently been all this time and occupied himself with something unseen. Abnorman frowned quizzically at Igor and said to Cousin Schizotonic, “Who’s that?” “Oh, that,” said Cousin Schizotonic casually. “That’s Igor.” Abnorman looked Igor over. Igor was dressed in the usual mad doctor assistant rags, and he had the usual limp and hump back and deformed face and gnarled hands of the mad doctor assistant one sees when one sees a mad doctor in his mad lab somewhere. Especially in Californaheim. In fact, one could even say that Igor was the epitome of all mad doctor assistants everywhere at all times. But still, there was something about him that just wasn’t right. “Cousin Schizotonic,” said Abnorman finally, “where’d you get him.” “Oh, I didn’t get him,” said Cousin Schizotonic proudly, “I made him.” “You made him?” said Abnorman. “Yes,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “That’s what I do here.” “You make people?” said Abnorman. “Well...,” looking at Igor, “sort of.” “Why...why...that’s great!” said Abnorman suddenly. And suddenly seized with inspiration, he continued, “I have to do my end-term project for school. It’s a must do, you see, to graduate. And I’ve been thinking about what do to it on, all the while I was walking out here, and couldn’t come up with anything that anyone else wasn’t already doing or hadn’t already been done. But this! Now that I know you can make people, why, you could show me how to do it, and we could make somebody.” Cousin Schizotonic just stared at Abnorman, so Abnorman continued, “Oh, it’ll be great. And we wouldn’t make just anybody. We could make somebody.” “Like who?” said Cousin Schizotonic dryly. “Oh, I don’t know,” said Abnorman. “How about Dudeham Lincoln?” “Who?” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Okay,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Then how about Aristotle?” “Who?” “Newton.” “Let me get this straight,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “You want me to make Sir Isaac Newton for your school project. Is that right.” “Yeah,” said Abnorman. “It would get me an A for sure.” “For a school project,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Yeah,” said Abnorman. Why not? “That’s...crazy!” said Cousin Schizotonic. “We just haven’t hit on the right person,” said Abnorman confidently. “Joan of Arc.” “Mmmm....” “Theda Beara!” “Theda Beara?” “Yeah!” “Hmmmmm.” Cousin Schizotonic rubbed his stubbled chin in thought. “Gee, I never thought of that.” “Yeah, that’s it!” said Abnorman. “We’ll make Theda Beara. And we’ll give her all her many charms. A nice, round, firm behind. And two big, beautiful, luscious...uh, fronts. Yeah. And oh, such a soft, warm furry...umm....” Abnorman stopped in thought. Perhaps he was a tad too academically enthusiastic. “Are you sure this is for school?” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Absolutely,” said Abnorman. “Cross my heart and hope to die if I’m telling a lie.” Really. “Right,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “So what do you say?” “Well,” said Cousin Schizotonic thoughtfully. “We’d have to get the parts first.” “So where do you get your parts?” said Abnorman. “Igor,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “I send Igor out for all my parts.” “Well then,” said Abnorman, “just send Igor out for parts.” “Mmmm....” Cousin Schizotonic thought it over for a minute and then said, “You don’t understand. Parts are very hard to come by.” “You made Igor, didn’t you?” said Abnorman. “Shhhh,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Igor might hear you. He’s very sensitive about that.” “Oh,” said Abnorman quietly. Then, “Where’d you get the parts to make Igor?” “My ex-mother-in-law,” said Cousin Schizotonic. Abnorman stopped, did a double take, and stared at Igor. “Your ex-mother-in-law?” “Yes,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “She hated me. So when she died,” pointing to Igor, “I thought I’d get my revenge.” Hee, hee. “And anyway, parts is parts.” Just then Igor came over and slapped Cousin Schizotonic again in the face and went back to his unseen work. “She hates me,” Cousin Schizotonic said proudly. “I left out her tongue.” “Oh!” said Abnorman, completely aghast, not knowing what else to say. “Oh!” Cousin Schizotonic just smiled and giggled. Just a little. Abnorman decided not to comment. It would be a while yet before he was married, he thought, so why jump to ignorant judgments? Right? Anyway, that’s what he ought to have thought. “So back to Theda Beara,” said Abnorman. “Sorry,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “It’s really impossible.” Besides, the jackass had already married Theda Beara (once) which is enough times to go to heaven, I think. Abnorman didn’t know what to think. Except that another end-term project had bit the dust. He looked around and said, finally, “I’m hungry. You got anything for lunch?” “In the fridge,” said Cousin Schizotonic, pointing. So Abnorman walked over to the fridge to see what there was to eat, going circumspectly by way of Igor to see what he was working on. But Igor saw him coming and blocked his view with his humped back and a loud grunt. Abnorman reached the fridge and opened the door. Inside, it was almost empty. Except for an old club sandwich. He looked it over. It was at least a week old. And dried out. And a little moldy. And it smelled bad. But there wasn’t anything else there, so he grabbed the club sandwich and walked back circumspectly by Igor, who saw him coming again and guarded his work with another humped back and grunt. Abnorman walked back to Cousin Schizotonic and said, holding out the sandwich, “This is all there was.” Cousin Schizotonic looked at it disapprovingly and said, “Yes.” “I don’t think I’m hungry,” said Abnorman. “Me neither,” said Cousin Schizotonic. Abnorman looked at it sadly and said, “I really need that project.” Cousin Schizotonic looked up and then at the club sandwich and said, “How about a project on old club sandwiches?” This thought had not occurred to him before, and now that he looked at it, a sudden idea came to mind and he said to Cousin Schizotonic, “Do you really think so?” “Sure,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Why not?” “Ha, ha!” said Abnorman. “Great. Let’s do it.” And he walked over to the table and put it down. “What are you doing?” said Cousin Schizotonic. “Making a club sandwich,” said Abnorman. “You already have one,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “But this one’s dead,” said Abnorman. Cousin Schizotonic looked at it. “What, you want me to bring it back to life?” “Sure,” said Abnorman. “Why not?” “Wellll....” said Cousin Schizotonic. “It doesn’t have any eyes.” “We’ll use olives,” said Abnorman. He dug out two shriveled olives and stuck them to the front with toothpicks. “And it doesn’t have any legs,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “We’ll use this stuff. Looks like beef jerky,” said Abnorman. Actually, I think it was salami. He put the stuff like beef jerky on the sides where the legs would go. “And it doesn’t have a tail,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “This old piece of spaghetti,” said Abnorman. He put the old piece of spaghetti on the end. “Hmmm...,” said Cousin Schizotonic. “It does almost look alive.” “Yes,” said Abnorman appreciatively. “It even has fur.” Green. “Well,” said Cousin Schizotonic, “then there’s only one thing do to now.” “What’s that?” said Abnorman. “Bring it back to life!” said Cousin Schizotonic gleefully. And so he danced around the table, attaching cables here and electrodes there, instructing Abnorman to do also, and then Abnorman was dancing around also, and then they turned on some big machine and zapped it with a hundred gigawatts of power and they yelled “It’s alive! It’s alive!” all the time dodging lightning bolts with demented glee. And then the thing slowly, painfully began to crawl to life. Yes, it crawled. It had eyes and ears and fur and feet and a tail and was about the size of a club sandwich, and it sniffed the air and looked around and twitched its whiskers. And Abnorman said, “A rat!” “Hahahahaha!” yelled Cousin Schizotonic. “Success!” So Abnorman had a reanimated rat for his school project. A most stupendous accomplishment. “Too bad about Theda Beara,” he said sadly. “Yes,” Cousin Schizotonic agreed, also sadly. copyright 1998, 2000 Author’s note: this is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to real life hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental. [This message has been edited by mirror man (07-21-2003 05:14 AM).] |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
To anyone reading this: Author's unpleasant note: this is the final and only version of this novel that I have released to the public. However, this novel has been copied and used by others without my knowledge or consent. So if you should happen to come across another copy of this novel, under this name or another, in any medium, on the web or not, it is not released with my knowledge and consent and so is pirate. Or plagiarism. Or both. |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Special note to teachers, educators: This novel, this version, may be copied and distributed in any medium as needed for classroom study. -- mirror man |
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