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mirror man
Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814


0 posted 2003-07-08 11:10 PM



Cool Universe
by
mirror man

Chapter 6


     Now comes the great event that everyone on Planet Cool shared at least once in their lives: structured learning.  Institutional, even.  If there was any one thing that could be pointed to, besides his home life, that one could say had a definite influence on Abnorman’s life, school was it.  Whether it was a good or bad influence has yet to be determined.  But in any case, it was there.  And Abnorman went.

     When Abnorman arrived at school, everyone was standing in line, walking into school.  So he got in line and walked in too.  It just seemed like the cool thing to do.
     He walked into a large room with a zillion chairs, and a big lady behind a desk began calling out names.
     “Snot!” she said.
     Abnorman jumped, but she wasn’t talking to him.
     “Here,” said Snot, stepping forward.
     “First seat, first row,” she said, pointing.
     Snot took his seat and sat down.
     “Dummy!” she said.
     Abnorman jumped again, but she wasn’t talking to him again.
     “Here,” said Dummy, stepping forward.
     “Second seat, first row,” she said, pointing.
     Dummy took his seat and sat down.
     “Dopey!” she said.
     By this time, Abnorman was starting to get the idea, so he didn’t jump anymore.
     “Here,” said Dopey.
     “Third seat, first row,” she said, pointing.
     Dopey took his seat and sat down.
     And so it went.  There were also Snoozy, Sleazy, Grumbly, Grovel, Hammer, Beef, Crazy, Paranoid, Schizoid, Tricky, Cinderella, Cheerleader, Sneerly, Pretty Boy, Gorgeous, and lots and lots of cousins: Henry, Mozart, Jesus, God, Shakesdude, Dead, Id, Van Ghost, and Cosmos.  To name a few.
     It was a big class.  Very crowded.  Fortunately, Abnorman would soon discover that half of these kids would either die or disappear, and then there would be more room.  That’s the way it worked.
     When everyone was seated, the lady introduced herself.  
     “My name is Mrs. Pinch,” she said.  “I will be your teacher for Coolish, Spelling, Grammar, and Language.  You all have a book under your chair.  So I want you all to take out your Coolish books now and turn to page one.”
     Everyone took out their books, turned to page one, and there was a picture of the letter A.  Mrs. Pinch explained that this was the letter A and that it was pronounced aay, aah, aaa, and so on.  Then they all turned to the next page on which was a picture of the letter B.  Mrs. Pinch explained that this was the letter B and that it was pronounced bee, buh, and sometimes not at all.  Then they turned to the next page on which was a picture of the letter C.  Mrs. Pinch explained that this was the letter C and it was pronounced cee, kuh, or not at all also.  
     They went like this through the entire alphabet.  E, I, O, U, and Y were a real mess.  Likewise for G, H, P, Q, and X.  Why anyone even used these letters Abnorman didn’t know.  And neither did anyone else.  But in case anyone forgot what they looked like, they were also written in huge letters across the tops of all the walls.
     “Now,” said Mrs. Pinch, “garble garble bloch frak.  For which humm humm goog zorch.  The agg sof blib blib, and the yak.”  Adding, “And so on.”
     Everyone nodded understandingly.
     Mrs. Pinch continued, “There are 26 letters in the alphabet, 21 consonants and 5 vowels, unless you count why.  We’ll get to them later.  Right now---”
     Abnorman raised a hand.  “Excuse me, Mrs. Pinch?”
     “Yes?” said Mrs. Pinch.
     “I was just wondering,” said Abnorman.  “What’s all this got to do with saving the universe?”
     “Saving the universe?”
     “Yes,” said Abnorman.  It seemed like a perfectly cool question.
     But Mrs. Pinch wasn’t so sure.
     “Yes...well...,” said Mrs. Pinch.  She stared at Abnorman thoughtfully.
     And it suddenly occurred to Abnorman that she hadn’t thought about that.  And not only that, but no one had thought about saving the universe, either.  And they were all staring at him.  Because he wasn’t cool.
     “Yes,” said Mrs. Pinch.  “Well, saving the universe isn’t for just anyone.  What’s your name?”
     Oh boy.  Now Abnorman was gonna get it.  He could feel them all staring at him, drilling holes in his head, and silently accusing him of not being just anyone.  Of not being cool.
     He began to sweat, he didn’t know what to say.  So, because he didn’t want them to think that he was trying to be above himself, he said, “Cousin God.”
     “Well, Cousin God,” said Mrs. Pinch, “first you have to know how to spell the universe.”
     “How do you spell it?” said Abnorman.
     She spelled it for him.
     “Thank you,” said Abnorman.  He sat down and everyone quit staring at him.  That was good.  And he felt even better when he realized later that, in one fell swoop, he had just learned how to spell everything.  Maybe no one else cared about saving the universe, but it was a great help in spelling.
     Mrs. Pinch continued, “Right now, I’d like all of you to compose a short essay, about 500 words, telling a little about yourself and anything you might have brought along to show us.  Raise your hand when you’re done.”
     They all scribbled furiously.  A few minutes later, a hand shot up and Mrs. Pinch had him stand up and read.
     “My name is Cousin Cosmos,” he said.
     “Cosmos!” someone said.  “Ha, ha!  What a stupid name!”
     “Please class,” said Mrs. Pinch, “let us not interrupt each other.  You’ll all get your chance to speak in turn.  Go ahead, Cousin Cosmos.”
     “My name is Cousin Cosmos,” Cousin Cosmos continued, “and it has been my observation that existence is a relative thing.  First is our family, bound by ties of space and time, and then by strangers, many of whom we do not know and yet are drawn towards by the gravity of universal mass.  I am reminded every day that all my velocity is based on the frame of reference that other velocities give it, and that I must work constantly to push back all the singularity I have received.  I am strongly drawn to curved space and regard Newtonian physics as unjustified and based on force.
Umm...that’s it for now.  I may have more later.”
     “Very good,” said Mrs. Pinch.
     Then Cousin Cosmos sat down and everyone stared at him, puzzling over his wild hair and his rumpled coat.
     Abnorman turned to the boy next to him and said proudly, “That’s my Cousin Cosmos.  He’s smart.”
     “Yeah?” said the boy suspiciously.
     “Yeah,” said Abnorman.
     “I hate smart!” someone yelled.
     Another hand shot up in class, and a boy stood up and said, “My name is Cousin Expanding---”
     “Ha, ha!” said someone.  “Expanding.  What a stupid name.”
     “Please, class,” said Mrs. Pinch.  “Let Cousin Expanding speak.  Go ahead, Cousin Expanding.”
     “My name is Cousin Expanding,” said Cousin Expanding, “and I believe in the theory of the Big Bang.”
     “Big Bang!” said Mrs. Pinch with a start.
     “Yes,” said Cousin Expanding.  “I believe the universe started out as one giant, all encompassing black hole---”
     “Black hole!” said Mrs. Pinch alarmedly.
     “Yes,” said Cousin Expanding.  “A natural result of the universal naked singularity---”
     “Naked!” said Mrs. Pinch.
     “Yes,” said Cousin Expanding, “in the first few seconds of time.  And not, as some would believe, as a steady state phenomenon.  This steady state phenomenon, I believe, is based on a common fallacy---”
     “Phallusy!” yelled Mrs. Pinch, jumping out of her chair.  “Oh, you naughty boy!  Such language!  We will have no such language in this class.  Now, you sit down and observe your Cousin Cosmos, and maybe you’ll learn something.”
     So Cousin Expanding sat down and was ignored the rest of the day.

     Another hand rose, a boy stood up, and he said, “My name is Cousin Shakesdude.”  He was wearing his usual weird clothes that day: a shirt with puffed shoulders and no sleeves, shorts that bulged at the waist, and shoes with pointy toes.
     “To be or not to be,” he said, “that is the question.   Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take up arms against a bunch of troubles, and by opposing, end them.  To die, to sleep, maybe even dream, aye there’s the kicker---” 1
     “The rub,” said Abnorman.
     “What?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “The rub,” said Abnorman again.
     “The rub what?” said Cousin Shakesdude.
     “I don’t know,” said Abnorman.  “There’s the rub.  It makes sense, dontcha think?”
     Cousin Shakesdude looked down at his paper, read it all over again, and said, “Aye, there’s the rub...Yes, yes.  It does make sense.  Thanks, cousin.”
     “Don’t mention it,” said Abnorman magnanimously.
     “Where’d you get that stupid suit?” someone said from the back.  “You look like a sissy.”
     “I also wroteth a poem,” Cousin Shakesdude continued unperturbed.  “I calleth it ‘The Phoenix and the Turtle.’”  He paused, and said, “Let the bird of loudest lay, on the sole Arabian tree---"
     “And where’d you get that stupid name?” someone else said.  “You dress like a faggot.”
     Cousin Shakesdude continued, “But thou shrieking harbinger, foul precurrer of the fiend---”
     “The faggot writes poems.”
     “---augur of the fever’s end---”
     “Faggot, faggot, faggot,” the chant rose from the room.  “Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot!”
     “Please please,” said Mrs. Pinch.  “Quiet everyone.  That was very good, Cousin Shakesdude.  You may sit down.”
     So Cousin Shakesdude sat down.
     The boy  next to Abnorman turned and said, “He’s your cousin too?”
     “Yeah,” said Abnorman.  “I got lots of cousins.  He’s from Californaheim.”
     “Your family’s weird,” he said.
     Yes.  Well, what could Abnorman say?  This kid would just have to go to Californaheim himself.  And then he’d understand.

     Another hand shot up and the boy behind Abnorman stood.  “My name is Cousin Jesus,” he said.
     “Aw, Jesus!” someone said.
     “Verily,” said Cousin Jesus.  “I say unto you, ye are the salt of the earth.  But if the salt have lose its savor, wherewith shall it be salted?”
     “When’s the last time you got a haircut?” someone said.
     “Thursday,” he said.
     “What the hell’s that you’re wearing?” someone else said.  “It looks like a dress.”
     “Judge not according to the appearance,” Cousin Jesus continued undaunted.  “By their fruits ye shall know them.  When it is evening, ye say, it will be fair weather--”
     “What is this, a weather report?”
     “He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.”
     “I can hear just fine, weirdo.”
     “The sower soeth the word,” continued Cousin Jesus.  “Therefore---”
     “Shut up!”
     “Shut up!”
     “Shut up!”
     “Dogs!” yelled Jesus in disgust.  And everyone was silent.  Then Cousin Jesus looked around the room and said slowly, “I say unto you, he that is without sin, let him cast the first stone.”  He looked everyone in the eye, pointing.  Heh, heh!
     “Siddown!”
     “Troublemaker!”
     “Weirdo!”
     Then about ten books went flying through the air and hit him in the head.
     “Ow!” said Cousin Jesus. And he sat down.
     “Thank you, Cousin Jesus,” said Mrs. Pinch.  “You may sit down.”
     Cousin Jesus rubbed his head, turned to Abnorman and said, “I don’t get it.  It worked two thousand years ago.”
     “Haha!” said Cousin Satan, and he turned to the kid next to him and said, “Hey kid, wanna play stink finger?”

     Then a giant rat walked into the room and sat down next to Abnorman.
     This was the first time Abnorman had seen a giant rat since getting off the bus, so he didn’t know what to say.
     Mrs. Pinch, however, seemed to be used to it.  She looked at the giant rat and said, “Excuse me, but who are you?”
     “I’m Cousin Dog,” said the giant rat.
     “You look like a rat to me,” said Mrs. Pinch.
     “Oh no,” said the giant rat.  “I’m a dog.”
     “Very well,” said Mrs. Pinch.
     But Abnorman wasn’t so sure.  Whatever rats were supposed to do in a sane world -- munching kids, eating rat heinies, or biting monkey butts -- they weren’t supposed to walk into class, say they were a dog, and claim they were his cousin.
     Abnorman stood up and yelled, “I protest!”  Then he jumped and looked around, alarmed at what he’d said.  Fortunately, this was a long time before he would know why.  So he continued, “He’s not a dog.  He’s a rat!  And not only that, but he’s trying to take over the universe!”
     “Am not,” said Cousin Dog defensively.
     “Now really,” said Mrs. Pinch admosh...admonoch...admonich... reprovingly.  “Dogs aren’t trying to take over the universe.”
     “Dogs is people’s best friends,” said the giant rat, stumbling over his atrocious spoken and spelled words -- that is, he spoke them atrociously and would have spelled them likewise if he knew how to spell -- and trying to show how deeply he hadn’t been hurt and also confused.
     “Are not!” said Abnorman.
     “Oh, what you said!” said the giant rat.
     “Now now,” said Mrs. Pinch.  “That’s not a very nice thing to say.  Quiet down, both of you.”  She turned to the giant rat and said, “Now, Cousin Dog, there seems to be some misunderstanding.  Since this is your first day here, perhaps you’d like to tell us your story.  About five hundred words will do.”
     “How many’s that?” said the giant rat.
     “About five hundred,” said Mrs. Pinch.
     “Very well,” said the giant rat.  He couldn’t count either.
     So Abnorman sat down and the giant rat stood up and said, “My name is Cousin Dog.  Lots of people mistake me for a giant rat because I’m actually a chihuahua.  Even my parents mistook me for a giant rat and abandoned me when I was just a wee pup.”  Sniff, sniff.  A tear slowly trickled down his hairy cheek, and he paused to wipe it away and continued, “I was left to fend for myself.  And so I did.  It was a great tragedy, destined to end the course of my entire life.  But I prevailed.  I lived on whatever I could find.  Turds, snot, slime, vomit, there’s nothing quite like the smell of fresh vomit, you know.  You name it, I ate it.  I especially like horse turds.  But I can eat anything.  I also like fleas and ticks, of which I carry an abundant supply at all times.  I love the smell of as--”
     “Thank you, Cousin Dog,” said Mrs. Pinch hurriedly.  “That’s really quite---”
     “Oh, but there’s more,” said the giant rat pointedly.  “Through all this I had not a friend in the world.”  He looked around sadly and everyone looked back sadly, and he continued, “I came to believe that existence, not just my existence, but all existence, is merely another form of all forms which inhabit the universe.  Space, time, matter, and mind, are thus all forms of the same thing.  And existence itself is a form of non-existence.  Yes is no, and being is non-being.”
     “Really?” said Abnorman.
     “Really,” said the giant rat.  
     Abnorman thought about this.  It was very interesting.  Never before had he heard anything so insane, and being insane himself, and having been in fact born insane, it seemed to explain things and at the same time hold promise of forming a workable theory that would link sanity with insanity and...and...something.  
     “And all of it from eating vomit?” said Abnorman.
     “Oh no,” said the giant rat.  “In fact, it came from just the opposite.  And all at once.”  He paused for theatrical effect, because he liked pauses -- he had four -- and because he like the anticipation of talking about disgusting things, and especially disgusting things that came upon him all at once.
     “Ah!” said Abnorman with sudden inspiration.  “Non-vomit!”
     “Exactly,” said the giant rat approvingly.  “The phenomenon of being as nothingness.”  Adding, “Which is kinda like being dead, only you know about it.”
     “Cool,” said Abnorman.
     “I noticed it first when I was out for a walk one day and felt the urge to puke,” said the giant rat.  “Everywhere I looked, I felt like throwing up.  And I did, too.  On the sidewalk, I threw up.  On the bushes, I threw up.  On the birds, I threw up.  I saw a rat, I threw up.  Vomit, puke, gag, uppie chuck everywhere I went....”
     A few of the girls began to giggle nervously.
     “...I walked into a park and saw an old people sleeping on a bench.  I threw up.  I saw a tree with all twisty roots.  I threw up---”
     “Shut up,” someone said.
     “---I had beans, hamburger, eggs and bacon for breakfast, and I threw it all up.”
     “Jesus, you’re making me sick,” said Cousin Jesus.
     “I saw my own vomit,” the giant rat continued.
     “Shut up,” said someone.
     “It looked good,” said the giant rat.
     “Shut up.”
     “But it smelled bad.”
     “Shut up.”
     “Which made me hungry.”
     “Shut up.”
     “And I wanted to puke.”
     “Shut up!”
     “And then it occurred to me.  If I ate the vomit, and puked it up again, would it be more vomit?  Yes!  Vomit from vomit, and more vomit from more vomit.  And the vision of an endless chain of vomitous events, starting here and eventually covering the entire universe, suddenly flooded my non-mind and gave form to the formlessness of my previous non-being.  I was suddenly one with the universe!  I jumped, I danced, I capered in the grass.  Oh joy!  Oh rapture!  Oh, e vomitus unum!”
Adding, “And then I threw up and ate it.”
     “Someone make him shut up!” everyone yelled.
     Yes.  They were all looking green under the gills.
     “That’s very good,” said Mrs. pinch.  She was starting to look a little green too.  “You may sit down.”
     And so Cousin Dog sat down and stayed.

     Everyone seemed to be convinced that Cousin Dog was a dog.  But Abnorman remained suspiciously ambiguous.  Which was a good thing for the universe, because it insured his continued insanity.
     He leaned over to Cousin Dog and said, “So what do you call your theory?”
     “Existendal...egstatent...eggsisdent...the Theory of Universal Vomit,” said Cousin Dog.
     Abnorman thought about that.  “Vomit?” he said.  “Sounds crazy to me.”
     “That’s because you’re all insane,” said Cousin Dog confidently.
     Ah-ha! thought Abnorman.  That made sense!  He didn’t know if he liked Cousin Dog or not, but he thought he might like to know more about the Theory of Universal Vomit.  It showed signs of promise.

     The boy next to Abnorman, the one Abnorman had been talking to before he talked to Cousin Dog, stood up and said, “My name is Beef.”  Beef quickly looked around the room, scowled, and continued, “and anybody who thinks that’s a funny name can discuss it with my five friends,” and he held up a big, meaty, five-fingered fist.  Then he looked around some more and said, “And that’s all I gotta say, you know what I’m saying?”
     Everyone knew what he was saying, so he sat down.
     “Good speech,” said Abnorman.
     “Thanks.”
     Then Abnorman was seized with a sudden inspiration to tell the truth, and he stood up.
     “My name is Cousin Vito,” said Abnorman, “and my family is in the mafia.”
     “Is not,” said a voice.  It was Cousin Ananias.
     “We kill dudes for money,” continued Abnorman.  “My Grampa Guido used to be a Don, but now he’s retired and spends all his time drinking wine, smoking cigars, watching TV, and talking about the good old days.”
     “Does not,” said Cousin Ananias.
     Abnorman stared at Cousin Ananias.  What did he know, anyway?
     Abnorman continued, “We also have rats.”  He pulled a dead rat out of his pocket and held it up for everyone to see.  He handed it to Beef and said, “Here, pass it around.”
     “Oh!” said Cousin Dog in fright.
     As the rat made its way around the room, Abnorman said, “We had a whole herd of ‘em break out of the basement and try to take over the universe.  But we killed ‘em all and buried ‘em in the back yard -- except for the ones we ate.”
     “You ate a rat?” said Beef.
     “Sure,” said Abnorman.  “I ate two.”
     “Cannibal!” yelled Cousin Dog.
     “Did not,” said Cousin Ananias.
     “Did too.”
     “Cannibal!”
     “Did not.”
     “Did too.”
     Then Abnorman lost his patience.  “Jesus!” he said, “you’re such a liar.”
     “Yeah,” said Cousin Satan.
     “Leave me out of this,” said Cousin Jesus.
     Then there was a pause, and not knowing what else to say, Abnorman said, “Thank you,” and sat down.
     Then Beef looked at Abnorman and said, “Wow.  Your family kills dudes for money?”
     “Sure,” said Abnorman.  
     Beef narrowed his eyes skeptically and said, “Really?”
     “Sure,” said Abnorman.  “Remember that guy nobody liked?”
     “Yeah,” said Beef vaguely.
     “We killed him,” said Abnorman.
     Which immediately removed all doubt.

     A boy on Abnorman’s far right stood up and said, “My name is Cousin Horatio.  I believe in the rewards of simple virtue, that by being truthful, good, reverent, brave, nice, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, fearless, hard working, dependable, kind, and good, anyone, regardless of their station in life, and with a little luck, may rise to become a millionaire, billionaire, gazillionaire, or even President.”
     “Good luck,” said someone.
     Cousin Horatio sat down.
     The girl on the other side of Beef stood up and said, “Hi.  My name is Gorgeous.”  And she was, too (for an alien, that is).  She had long, blond hair, big beautiful green eyes, and a face like Bridgett Baredot.  
     “I like big, strong dudes,” said Gorgeous, “dudes who will protect me from all the weirdoes---”
     “Boo!” said Cousin Weirdo.
     “Oh!” said Gorgeous with a jump.
     “Hee, hee,” said Cousin Weirdo.
     “Good going,” said Cousin Satan smiling.
     Then Beef reached across the aisle and punched Cousin Weirdo hard in the arm.
     “Ow!” said Cousin Weirdo.  “Why’d you do that?”
     “You flinched,” said Beef, giving him the hard stare.  And then to Gorgeous, he said, smiling, “Hey, babe.”
     “And that’s all,” said Gorgeous, and she smiled and sat down.
     Everyone stared at Gorgeous, and some boy said, appreciatively, “Ahhhh!”
     “Oooooooo!” said some other boy appreciatively also.
     “Gaaa!” said a third, appreciatively also even.
     “The rewards of simple virtue,” said Cousin Horatio proudly.
     Abnorman agreed.  It was a great day for virtue.

     Another boy stood up and said, “My name is Cousin dead, and I like to have sex---”
     “AAAAAAA!” screamed Mrs. Pinch, and the room was silent.
     “Excuse me,” said Cousin Dead.   “I was just saying---”
     “AAAAAAA!” screamed Mrs. Pinch.  “We don’t say we have sex!”
     “But----”
     “We never say we have sex!”
     “But----”
     “Shut up and sit down!” screamed Mrs. Pinch.
     So Cousin Dead shut up and sat down.  Which, when you think about it, kinda made sense.  Not that I’m complaining.

     Anyway, not much happened after that.  Nothing any fun, anyway.

     copyright 1998, 2000

     Author’s note: this is a work of fiction.  All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to real life hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental.

[This message has been edited by mirror man (07-08-2003 11:21 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 mirror man - All Rights Reserved
Skyfire
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1 posted 2003-07-09 01:49 AM


*grin* you have WAY too much time on your hands... I love it!

Skyfire owns you - Stinky Twinky

mirror man
Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814

2 posted 2003-08-05 12:41 PM


To anyone reading this:

Author's unpleasant note: this is the final and only version of this novel that I have released to the public.  However, this novel has been copied and used by others without my knowledge or consent.  So if you should happen to come across another copy of this novel, under this name or another, in any medium, on the web or not, it is not released with my knowledge and consent and so is pirate.  Or plagiarism.  Or both.

mirror man
Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814

3 posted 2003-08-09 08:16 AM


Special note to teachers, educators:

This novel, this version, may be copied and distributed in any medium as needed for classroom study.

-- mirror man


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