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mirror man
Senior Member

since 2001-01-08

Posts 814

0 posted 2003-07-08 01:36 PM

Cool Universe
by
mirror man

Chapter 5

     Abnorman sat at the kitchen table for six whole days.  His milk curdled and turned brown, his chicken/rat/whatever-camuffato died and became infested with flies and maggots.  And he lost a whole week of classic prime time TV viewing.
     Abnorman stared at his plate.  He didn’t know what maggots were.  This was the first time he’d seen any, and he was curious.  So he called Maximum Cool over to explain.
     “Those are maggots,” said Maximum Cool.
     “Maggots?” said Abnorman.  This didn’t really explain, but at least he had a name to put on it.  “So what are they doing?”
     “They’re eating,” said Maximum Cool.
     “Why are they doing that?” said Abnorman.
     “Because they like it,” said Maximum Cool.
     “Oh,” said Abnorman.  Which also didn’t explain anything, but at least he had something that came after Because.
     “So why do they like it?” said Abnorman.
     “Because it’s dead,” said Maximum Cool.
     “Oh,” said Abnorman.  Which also didn’t explain anything, but now he was two steps beyond Because, and without nothing.
     “Why’s it dead?” said Abnorman.
     “Because somebody chopped off its head and cooked it,” said Maximum Cool, beginning to lose his coolness.
     “Why’d they do that?” said Abnorman.
     “So you could eat it,” said Maximum Cool impatiently.
     “Why would I want to eat a dead chicken?” said Abnorman, offended at the thought that anyone would think he wanted to eat a dead chicken.
     “You want to eat it live?” said Maximum Cool.
     “I don’t want to eat it at all,” said Abnorman.
     “Ah, geez!” said Maximum Cool, walking away.

     So Abnorman stared at his maggots for a while more until Too Cool walked by.
     “Hey,” said Abnorman, “did you see this?”
     Too Cool walked over and looked.
     “Oh, wow,” said Too Cool, “you got maggots.”
     “Yeah,” said Abnorman, “that’s what Maximum Cool said.  So what’s maggots?”
     “Baby flies,” said Too Cool.
     “What are they doing in my supper?” said Abnorman.
     “They’re eating it,” said Too Cool.
     “That’s what Maximum Cool said,” said Abnorman.  “What I want to know is, why are they eating it.  Besides because it’s dead.”
     “That’s just the way maggots are,” said Too Cool.  “When something dies, they jump in and start eating.”
     “Oh,” said Abnorman thoughtfully.  It didn’t make sense either, but he had the feeling he was on to something.  “You mean when somebody chops off its head and cooks it.”
     “Not necessarily,” said Too Cool.
     “No?” said Abnorman.
     “No,” said Too Cool.  “It might just die.  You know, when something that was alive isn’t alive any more.  It dies.”
     “What something?” said Abnorman, suddenly feeling strangely anxious.
     “Anything,” said Too Cool, puzzled.
     “Anything?” said Abnorman.
     “Sure,” said Too Cool.  “Anything.  Everything.  Everything that’s alive dies.  And then it isn’t alive any more.”
     “Does not,” said Abnorman.
     “Sure,” said Too Cool.  “I saw it on TV.  And then the maggots eat it.”
     “Everything?” said Abnorman.
     “Yeah,” said Too Cool.
     “Cats?”
     “Yeah.”
     “Dogs?”
     “Yeah.”
     “Rats?”
     “Yeah.”
     “People?”
     “Yeah.”
     “Every people?”
     “Yeah.”
     “Even...even m-m-me people?”
     “Yyyy...eah,” said Too Cool uncertainly.
     Then Abnorman’s eyes filled with water, his mouth squirmed, and he bawled, “Bwaaa-ha-ha!  Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha!”
     Too Cool jumped back and yelled, “What’d I say?”
     “I’m gonna die!” yelled Abnorman.  “I’m gonna die!  And the maggots are gonna eat me...and...and...,” he looked at the plate and yelled, “Bwaaa-ha-ha!  Bwaaa-ha-ha!”
     “Okay!” yelled Daddyo, stomping into the kitchen.  “What’s going on?”
     “Nothing,” said Too Cool innocently.
     “Bwaaa-ha-ha!” bawled Abnorman.
     “What happened?” said Daddyo.
     “I’m gonna die!” yelled Abnorman.
     Daddyo looked at Too Cool and said, “Who told him that?”
     “Not me,” said Too Cool innocently.
     “I’m gonna die!” yelled Abnorman, eyes watering his plate of maggots.
     Daddyo looked at Too Cool disgustedly, looked at Abnorman disgustedly, and said, “You’re not going to die!”
     Then Abnorman stopped crying.
     “What?” said Abnorman.
     “You’re not going to die,” said Daddyo patiently.
     “I’m not?” said Abnorman.
     “No,” said Daddyo.
     “Not ever?” said Abnorman.
     “Well...uh...”
     “I’m gonna die!” yelled Abnorman.  “Bwaaa-ha-ha!”
     “Aw, geez!” yelled Daddyo.  “You got another eighty years left to live.  What are you whining about?”
     “Eighty years?” said Abnorman.
     “At least,” said Daddyo.
     “And then what?” said Abnorman.
     “And then you die,” said Too Cool.
     “I’m gonna die!” yelled Abnorman.  “I’m gonna die!  And the maggots are gonna eat me!  And...and... bwaaa-ha-ha!”
     “Oh, for crying out loud!” said Daddyo.  And he stomped out with Too Cool following innocently behind.

     On the seventh day, it was decided that Too Cool would be allowed to eat breakfast in the dining room with the others.  This was greeted with as many grins and evil sneers from Too Cool as it was with frowns from Abnorman.  Not that Abnorman especially wanted to eat with Too Cool.  Rather, he had planned on dumping his plate on Too Cool’s plate.  Now he would have to think of something else.
     For breakfast, Mama Cool made pancakes with ham and eggs, but for Too Cool she made a separate plate of rat patties which she called “Surprise Burgers.”  These Too Cool wolfed down with a great show of gusto and self-humiliation, all to the undying disgust of everyone around him.
     Nobody had much of an appetite anyway.  And the smell didn’t help either.

     Then it was time to go to school.
     Mama Cool turned to Daddyo and said, “What about Abnorman?”
     “Who?” said Daddyo.
     “Abnorman,” said Mama Cool.  “He has to go to school.”
     “Oh.”  There was a long silence while Daddyo thought about this, and then he said, “Are you sure?”
     “Yes dear,” said Mama Cool.  “He has to go to school.  And he hasn’t eaten his supper.”  More silence, and then, “Well?”
     So Daddyo got up and looked in the Book.  He stopped on a page and frowned.  Then he turned a few more pages, read some more, and frowned again.
     Then he turned a few more pages, read some more, and scowled.  Then he read some more, turned another page, frowned, scowled, read some more, steamed, fumed, turned purple and glared at Abnorman.  Then he opened his mouth.
     And from this mouth, rimmed with rows of blood-dripping fangs one foot long, came a column of fire ten feet high!
     Yaaa!
     [This is scary stuff.  You might not want to read that part.]
     “Just for that!” screamed Daddyo.  “Just for that, you go to school!”
     “What?!” said Abnorman, who had been listening to all this in silence.  But...but, I like it here.  I like not eating rats and maggots and flies.  I don’t wanna go!  I don’t wanna go!  Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha!”
     Then Daddyo turned to Mama Cool and said, “And when he gets home, put him back on his chair!”
     “Oh,” said Abnorman, smiling.  “Okay.”

     So Abnorman went to school.
     For not eating his rats and maggots.
     Forever.

     It happened the way all great events happen, without any seeming purpose, but which, on later review, appeared as part of nothing short of the Great Universal Plan itself.
     Either that, or it was just dumb luck.  No, the rats did it.  Sort of.
     But whatever it was, whatever the reason, it was at this time that the first school bus appeared on Planet Cool (strange coincidence).  It was seen taking kids back and forth to school, and everyone remarked what a useful thing it was.  Then more school buses appeared and more kids went to school in them.  Then Maximum Cool started going to school in one, and since everyone else was going to school in one, it just seemed natural that Abnorman and Too Cool would go in one too.
     On that particular morning, Too Cool’s and Abnorman’s school bus appeared on the corner, down the street from where they lived.
     Now, no one had actually said anything bad about school buses to Abnorman, so it seemed like a good idea at first.  But as he was walking toward it, Abnorman suddenly got the idea that this bus was alive.  It was big and yellow and making a loud sound, and the closer he got to it, the more certain he became that not only was it alive, but everyone who walked into it was being eaten.  He could see them inside, all yelling and screaming to get out.
     He stopped to consider his options, and Too Cool, because he was walking with Abnorman, stopped also.
     “What’s wrong?” said Too Cool.
     “What’s that thing?” said Abnorman, pointing.
     “It’s the school bus,” said Too Cool.  “Whatya think it is?”
     Abnorman didn’t know what to think.  He’d seen it before maybe a hundred times, taking Maximum Cool to school, so he couldn’t very well say he didn’t know what it was.
     On the other hand, it definitely wasn’t what he had thought it was before.  Because now it was staring at him.  And it had big, shiny, metal teeth.
     “Let’s walk,” he said.
     “Are you kidding?” said Too Cool.  “It’s ten miles to school.”
     Abnorman tried to think.
     “Come on.  We’ll be late,” said Too Cool.
     “I want to walk,” said Abnorman.
     “Don’t be stupid,” said Too Cool, and he started to pull Abnorman by the arm.
     “No, no,” said Abnorman.  “I wanna walk.”
     “Tough,” said Too Cool, “’cause I don’t.”
     “No, no,” said Abnorman.  He could feel the terror climb with each unwilling step he took closer to the bus.
     “What’s wrong with you?” said Too Cool, pulling Abnorman harder.
     Then Abnorman pulled backward, Too Cool pulled forward, and it became a regular tug of war.  They struggled like this for about a minute and then Abnorman began to lose ground.
     “Bwaaa!” Abnorman suddenly screamed.  “I don’t wanna go!  I don’t wanna go!  It’s gonna eat me!  Bwaaa-ha-ha!”
     Then Too Cool let go.  “What?”
     “It’s gonna eat me!” said Abnorman.  “It’s a big yellow monster and I don’t wanna be ate!  Bwaaa-ha-ha!”  He was blubbering all over the place.
     “It’s just the school bus,” said Too Cool.
     “Bwaaa-ha-ha!”
     Too Cool, seeing that he was getting nowhere, yelled, “Mom!”
     Mama Cool came out the front door, saw Abnorman crying, and said, “What’s wrong?”
     “He won’t get on the bus,” said Too Cool.  “He thinks it’s going to eat him.”
     Abnorman blubbered some more, and then Mama Cool said, “Now now.  The bus isn’t going to eat you.”  Mama Cool was always like that, real patient like, and caring (not like some others).
     “Yes it is,” Abnorman blubbered.  “It’s a big yellow monster, it has eyes and teeth and it’s gonna eat me!  Bwaaa-ha-ha!”
     “Now now,” she said calmly.  “Maximum Cool gets on it every day, and it hasn’t eaten him.”
     “Yeah,” said Too Cool.
     “He’s not Maximum Cool,” said Abnorman between blubbers.  “The bus eats him every day, and they send back a copy.  I saw ‘em do it on TV.  Bwaaa-ha-ha!”
     Too Cool looked at Mama Cool and said, “He’s crazy.”
     “Look,” said Mama Cool calmly.  “I’ll show you.  I’ll get on the bus, and then I’ll get off, and you can see for yourself.”
     “No!” Abnorman screamed.  “Don’t get on the bus!  It’ll eat you up too!”
     “Now now,” said Mama Cool, “remember what I said about giving things a try?  Okay.  Now you just watch, and then you’ll see.”  So Mama Cool walked up to the bus, stepped inside, and disappeared.
     “Yummm!  Yummm!” said the bus.
     “YAAAAAAA!”  Abnorman screamed.  “The bus ate Mama Cool!”
     When Mama Cool didn’t come back out, Abnorman continued to scream, and Too Cool yelled, “Daddyo!”
     Daddyo came running out the front door.  “What’s going on?”
     “It’s Abnorman,” said Too Cool.  “He won’t get on the bus.  He says it’s going to eat him.”
     “It ate Mom!” Abnorman yelled.
     “Did not!” said Too Cool.
     “Did too!” Abnorman yelled back.  Then a thought occurred to him.  “Go in there, Daddyo, and get her out.”
     Daddyo thought for a moment, scowled at Too Cool and then at Abnorman.  “Get on the bus,” he said.
     “No,” said Abnorman.
     “Get on the bus!” he yelled.
     “No!”
     “Get on the bus or...or...Oh, doggone it.”  Daddyo ran back into the house and came back a minute later with the Book.  He opened it, read it, closed it, and said, “Get on the bus, or I’ll throw you on it myself!”
     “No!”
     He picked Abnorman up and carried him to the bus, kicking and screaming all the way, but when he tried to throw Abnorman in, Abnorman held on like tree sap.
     “No, No, NO!” Abnorman screamed.  “Help!  Help!  Police!  Marshal Dillon!  Paladin!  Batman!  Help!  Bwaaa-ha-ha!”
     “Go get the rope,” Daddyo yelled to Too Cool, holding Abnorman at arm’s length as Abnorman alternately fought for his life and tried to crawl under Daddyo’s skin.
     Too Cool ran into the house and came back out with a twenty-foot piece of rope.  Then they peeled Abnorman off Daddyo, tied him up, gagged him, and threw him in the bus.
     “Geez,” Daddyo grumbled, “the sacrifices I make for my kids.”  Which was true.  He was practically a martyr.
     Then Abnorman recognized the school bus for what it really was.
     “Yaaa!” he screamed.  “It’s a big, giant yellow rat!”
     Then the big, giant yellow rat at him up,  “Yumm, yumm.”

     So Abnorman had failed the universe once again.  It was as terrible disappointment.  Not only for the universe, but also for Abnorman.  He was now completely uncool.  And totally insane.
     Which was maybe a good thing, considering he was going to school.

     copyright 1998, 2000

     Author’s note: this is a work of fiction.  All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to real life hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental.

[This message has been edited by mirror man (07-08-2003 02:02 PM).]

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

1 posted 2003-07-09 01:36 AM

Yes... school buses are evil... *memories*

Skyfire owns you - Stinky Twinky

mirror man
Senior Member

since 2001-01-08

Posts 814

2 posted 2003-07-09 09:20 AM

Yaaa!

mirror man
Senior Member

since 2001-01-08

Posts 814

3 posted 2003-08-05 12:39 PM

To anyone reading this:

Author's unpleasant note: this is the final and only version of this novel that I have released to the public. However, this novel has been copied and used by others without my knowledge or consent. So if you should happen to come across another copy of this novel, under this name or another, in any medium, on the web or not, it is not released with my knowledge and consent and so is pirate. Or plagiarism. Or both.

mirror man
Senior Member

since 2001-01-08

Posts 814

4 posted 2003-08-09 08:14 AM

Special note to teachers, educators:

This novel, this version, may be copied and distributed in any medium as needed for classroom study.

-- mirror man

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