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tonia
Junior Member
since 2003-06-13
Posts 41
taiwan

0 posted 2003-06-15 05:38 AM


Hi readers,
I would really appreciate it if anyone could give comments on this short passage. It could be grammar, ideas, vocabulary, diction...anything...…eetc. Thank you so much for reading!  

             The deepest sentiment...
  On a rainy afternoon, a fifteen-year-old girl sits in front of her computer, typing out the most genuine feelings that flow out of her complicated thinking. As she types, her tears trickle down her pinkish cheeks. Despite that she was just about going through another fascinating part of her teenage life, but she was already mature enough to perceive the most perplex thoughts of human mind.

      
  People would usually wonder: what was the factor that caused her to become such a considerate little girl? The answer is quite simple to be conceived. Many girls at her age are mostly getting prepared to burst out of the cocoon and grow to be a stunning butterfly. Yet, it was different for her. She has went through so many dreadful circumstances that she had to conquer by herself so that she knows she doesn't have anymore superfluous time for fun. The girl understands what she should do, and she only has one goal: to become rich.


  Fifteen years ago, a beautiful baby was gifted to an ordinary family. In her naive smile and innocent eyes, no one would have ever seen her fate. She was yet small and not exposed to the dirty atmosphere at a certain extent. Although the baby wasn't polluted by any of the malicious views of human nature, but in her diminutive soul, it almost seems as if she understands why her parents were fighting over the lack of money. Quietly, she made her first wish. She dreamt of becoming a rich billionaire, enjoying the most opulent life that people desired of.

      
  Anne Frank once wrote, "Who would ever think that so much went on in the soul of a young girl?" this quote has exactly reflected the girl's situation. Nevertheless, this girl was still grateful that she obtained more experiences that no other girl at her age would have ever gone through. She had a mind of an experienced deceitful gal, a body of a fifteen-year-old girl, and she wears the most intricate look on her face, which made her seem to be quite a few years older than her actual age. She has been waiting for her opportunity to show her concealed aptitude all these years. At this moment, she is getting ready for the toughest challenge in her upcoming junior and senior year, which is the last two years of her high school career.


  She believes in faith, believes in fate, believes in destiny, but only up to the point that isn't considered as superstitious. She believes that there is a forcing impulse leading her to success. Her strong volition to become successful was getting a little overly excessive that she was starting to lose her way. She no longer knew what she was aiming at anymore, her original intentions and the hard work she had to pay to sculpt a frame of her faked personality was being torn apart, one layer after another. She felt as if she was a no longer respected person, no longer able to attain her unfinished goal.    

To be continued...

[This message has been edited by tonia (06-15-2003 05:43 AM).]

© Copyright 2003 tonia - All Rights Reserved
Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187
St. Paul, MN
1 posted 2004-01-12 03:02 PM


Some good writing in this piece; especially in some of the images that are presented.

I see you'd like some critique here so I'm going to throw out some ideas for you. Take them or leave them as you will as I'm sure some of them will reflect my personal opinion as a writer.

The first thing that really got me is the lack of flow this piece has. It seems more like a few peeks into the story but not enough to bind everything together, A few more paragraphs to link ideas together would be better. More background would be a good thing too, giving the character more motivation and giving the reader a better understanding.

The idea of a young girl who feels compelled to find wealth and in conflict with herself is a good concept and I'd like to see that fleshed out more, I'd like to see the conflict, watch the spreading roots of it and the rot spreading through her as she realized the falseness her life is based on.

At least if that's what you're going for which it defintitely seems that way to me.

Another thing I would refrain from is the use of rhetorical questions. Or questions in general unless the character is asking them and then ponders them. It makes the piece seem more like a documentary then a more emotional look a young girl's life.

Along these lines I'd also try to rework the Anne Frank quote to having the character pondering it rather than our narrator.

As a concept this idea is wonderful and I'd love the places it could go. The writing is pretty good and I have no real complaints there. I hope that you'll continue this and flesh it out. Remember the best question to ask as a writer is "Why?"

Hopefully this critique isn't too much for you and I apologize if it was. I enjoyed the writing and I hope to see more soon

"Knowledge is far superior to Belief, for Belief is the way of the uniformed." - Scott Cunningham

Endlessecho
Member
since 2003-09-05
Posts 398
I live within myself
2 posted 2004-01-29 12:56 PM


Well, I had what I was going to say, but mostly Dusk said it.  

This is a really good peice and I like the idea.  Something made this comtemplative and complicated girl become so simple-minded in her struggle to focus on one goal - to be rich.  It would be more beneficial if you cut down on the word usage and gave more information that told us what all that she had seen was.  Her background.  What had she been through that made her no longer able to see the world with the innocence of a child.  You spoke of her parents.  You don't have to flat out say everything, but we need more information about them and her past so we see how she got here.  

Great work here - just elaborate.  :-)

(I know this - because I do this all the time!  I'm horrible at explaining the reasons - I like the contemplations of the character better.  Unfortunately our readers need to know what we're talking about as well.  This is why I stick to poetry ;-) - you however have the workings of a good story and should keep going. )

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