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Any Restaurant |
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davidmerriman Member
since 2003-04-30
Posts 123Dallas, TX |
The room stood still for a minute; Henry wasn't talking, no waiter was bothering us asking how we liked our food, and the blur of music, noise and decorations of the restaurant became predictable enough to settle into my mind. Then it came. I did not plan the sudden epiphany; it was not my first, but it was my most powerful, amidst all the static. I focused my thoughts out of the room, out of the carpet and walls and voices around me, and everything became blurry. I saw my existence as a great question with no answer, and my surroundings became a worthless joke. Life was barren, cold, and puzzling. Nothing should be here, I thought. This…this can’t be right. Why is there…anything? My thoughts raced, escaping everything for a few seconds, and I became aware of my own meaningless existence. I resurfaced and looked back at Henry; this was my friend staring at me. “Henry,” I let out a large sigh of resignation, not from my nervousness of opening up to him, but from the fear of my ideas being dismissed. “Do you believe in Heaven?” Henry looked at me as though the question were trivial, but I knew better. He was giving me a look of doubt, as if he never took the time to truly ponder the thought. “Well…yes,” he said. “I believe in Heaven. At least, I believe we go somewhere when we die. I can’t imagine not going anywhere, just rotting in the ground.” He seemed pleased with his answer. I said nothing, just continuing to stare out in space, trying to recreate the epiphany of insignificance. It didn’t work. It was difficult with the smiling faces scattered around the restaurant and Henry’s dull stare across the table that brought so many memories of normalcy. The weekends we would go to the movies, trying to get in without a ticket but always forking over the money in the end. The days we would sit out in my backyard, cracking open cold drinks and talking about nothing. The world was familiar, explored, enthralling yet predictable. Each year had new things to become accustomed to, and there were always things to look forward to in the future. I should be more concerned with the Oscars than metaphysical paradoxes. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm living in good health and in good company, what more could I ask for? In that moment I pictured Sarah’s face smiling at me; a cute mesh of a slender look and a soft, sweet face, with a certain wit to it that drew you to her. No, not her. Why does she keep entering my thoughts? Why. Just tell me, why can’t I forget her face? Just forget about her, why can’t I just forget about her? That…I’m need…ah. I need to clear my mind. I thought about her again. Her long, flowing hair that seemingly called my name, yet her head turned to signal my own inevitable defeat; her cruel disinterest. I felt such a longing for her, a face I've never touched, a smile I'd never break with my greedy kiss. She was out of the picture, out of the question, but never out of my mind. I sighed in despair and forced her out, with the blur of static that infested the restaurant now filling my brain. I forgot about her, and started to look at my food. It wasn’t cold, but after the onslaught of emotion, the food didn’t seem that fresh anymore. I haphazardly picked away at my fries, without hunger or desire. I should be hungry. I thought. Why do I analyze things to such extremes? Maybe it’s from science class, when I learned that we are nothing more than groups of atoms in a string of reactions, drifting in time and space. But how do I even know that it’s true; how can I trust my textbooks and teachers? Why can’t I just realize that I’m doomed to NOT know the reason of my existence. Even if science is getting closer, I should leave it aside for a life of ignorance. I do most of the day, when I wake up and trudge to work; when I turn on the TV, when I go to church, when I morn over a loss. I live most of the day. My mind just tends to wander, tends to get lost. “Do you ever think, ‘Why are we here? What’s the meaning of all this?’” I looked at Henry and the fear of dismissal flooded back into my mind. “Am I crazy?” I thought. I should just sit down and eat my meal, this is stupid. “Yes, I do think about it.” He didn’t seem as concerned as I was, as if the words held less weight to him. “I think about God, and his purpose for creating the Universe. Do you know in the Bible, it carefully explains how the Earth was created, and how mankind was formed, but it does not say why? To worship God? If that were so, he would have presented himself in a more accessible manner. I mean, the guy pretty much hides himself; he gets other people to talk for him. I understand how we are here, I just quite frankly don’t know why.” He didn’t get it. He doesn’t understand. I grew frustrated and started to thrust the food in my mouth, a large, barbeque bacon cheeseburger, with all the greens tossed aside. This burger is delicious. I thought to myself. In between bites, I thought about Sarah. Where is she? Is she alone, like I am? I would like to be with her now. No, I couldn't. I couldn't be with her. It would never work. She's too beautiful, too good for me. I wouldn't know what to say. I'd be lost in those eyes, that hair. That hair. I could not face such a foe. Besides, I haven't spoken with her in at least six months, maybe even closer to a year. She could be anywhere. I'd never see her, although I could get her phone number. She must be in the directory... "Henry, what ever happened to that Sarah girl? Um, what was her last name? You know, the one who used to hang out with us." He could see through my facade of disinterest. "Yeah...sorry bud. She has a boyfriend now. They're pretty serious. I saw them together at Loews and we talked for a while. They were too busy making out to say much, but you know. She's pretty hot, but I mean, come on, everyone knows that. He seemed like one of those rich kids, with nice hair and an even nicer car. I remember you had a big crush on her. Who didn't come to think of it. I would stare her down everyday in the hall, not even trying to hide it either. My head would be like ‘swing’! Totally turned around and walking straight into the hall." He managed to be blunt and ramble at the same time. That was one of Henry's trademarks. I wasn't shocked, nor was I depressed by the news of Sarah. Yeah, just like I thought. I knew it. She has a boyfriend. I mean, come on, I shouldn’t have been so stupid to think she would be single. Well, I mean, she wasn’t even that nice to me in the first place. Whatever. Good for her. She's happy. I stabbed more bites at my burger, to distract my raging thought rather than to satisfy my hunger. The realization of my meaninglessness in the Universe was dwarfed by the realization that I was unloved and not understood. I had no further epiphanies, paid my check, and went home alone, by myself, although Henry would swear he came along. |
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| © Copyright 2003 David Merriman - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
So much going on in here. I will return to this in a day or so, to offer a more detailed reply. I'm almost on my way out the door to go to work. Keep up the good writing. Kacy |
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davidmerriman Member
since 2003-04-30
Posts 123Dallas, TX |
thanks for looking at it, I await your reply. :-) [This message has been edited by davidmerriman (05-07-2003 05:40 PM).] |
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