Please critique. Be ruthless if you must. I want to learn. Thank you.

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Passions in Prose

Please critique. Be ruthless if you must. I want to learn. Thank you.

Barbara Trautman
Member

since 2002-10-23

Posts 90

0 posted 2003-02-11 10:04 PM

SURVIVOR

I was a tender 16 year old
When my first love found me
Virginal, naïve, susceptible
Overwhelmed by such as he.
Four years older, suave, handsome
Me, just a cute little teenager
Phone calls, flowers, visits overwhelmed
His laughing eyes and teasing ways enraptured.
His words spun like a golden web
Dancing around my head
His attentions flowed through my being
As I helplessly drowned
In the honey of his words.
I could not think except thoughts of him
I could not breathe unless he was near
My heart didn’t beat except for him
My life was now meaningless without him.
Seduction had been accomplished
Now, I was a pawn moved at his command
It was almost too easy, I was so young
My life without him had no meaning.
Everything lost its purpose
Except for him
Without him, my life was bereft
My body became heavy, my heart swollen and sore.
Soon, I was abandoned
A new conquest lay at his feet
One day he climbed on his Harley
Going to her instead of me.
A semi appeared as if by magic
Before he had time to think
He had ridden into the monster
His neck broken, his life was gone.
Now, I am much older and here I stand
A single red rose in my hand
Sorry because he lies beneath my feet
No longer able
To spin the fables I wanted to believe
But, here I am still alive….

I SURVIVED! (sort of)

SPIRIT
Senior Member

since 2002-12-29

Posts 1745
California Desert

1 posted 2003-02-11 10:53 PM

I am not in the position to critique anyone's writes. I can tell you I honestly enjoyed the read very much. The only thing that made me feel like something not quite right when you said A semi appeared as if by magic only because it sounds a little too happy for the circumstance, and that is only my own humble opinion. A very nice piece.

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

2 posted 2003-02-11 11:42 PM

Are you sure you want this posted in Prose?

Barbara Trautman
Member

since 2002-10-23

Posts 90

3 posted 2003-02-12 03:53 PM

Thank you for your kind words. I will take another look at that line. Anything else?

To: Poet deVine -- Thank you for your response. I'm new here and I don't know where my work really fits. Some say it is poetry, some say it's prose. What is it really? I've never had any training so please help me out if you will. I would appreciate any guidance you can offer. Barb

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

4 posted 2003-02-12 04:48 PM

Barbara, this reads like a free verse and a very nice one too. I'm sure one of the moderators would be happy to transfer it to Open if you'd like that. Wonderful write though!

SPIRIT
Senior Member

since 2002-12-29

Posts 1745
California Desert

5 posted 2003-02-12 06:15 PM

You know, no matter where it ends up - here or in Open it really is a great write, very enjoyable, I just came in to read it again.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

6 posted 2003-02-14 03:35 AM

Enjoyed...James

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