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quietlydying
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

0 posted 2002-04-09 10:22 PM


this was written the other day to try and get something off my mind.  you can tell by the jumbled, mismatched, throw-together style of the piece that it was written to help deal with some issues that had suddenly resurfaced in english class one day.

i would like to know everything you think about this.  about the topic, the writing, etc.  i feel it needs a little more work, but i would like to know what you think.


Straggly strands of her sweat-soaked matted hair stick to her cheek.  Hot and flushed, she presses her face against the cool, hard tile floor.  Her heart is still racing and she lies there in a crumpled heap with limbs sprawled every which way.  Her chest heaves up and down, up and down, while she gasps for breath.

The violent storm of tears has slowed to a mere trickle as the potent chemicals course through her delicate, fragile veins.  The heavy steel door is firmly locked [the key safely tucked away in Jane Doe's pocket], the security camera on.

They're watching her [the pathetic pile of flesh and bone], half-naked, drift in and out of consciousness.  She is at their mercy.  

Sometimes the cure can only worsen the problem.

/jen/

so foul and fair a day i have not seen.  - macbeth act 1, scene 3

© Copyright 2002 jennifer elizabeth - All Rights Reserved
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

1 posted 2002-04-19 03:53 PM


I'm not sure what to say about this, as I am not very good at critique. I would have liked more description though, and I think this might be very interesting re-written not as a descriptive piece, but through the point of view of the character's thought processes.

I thought the premise was interesting, however, and I wanted you to know that I had read it. Let me know if you do something further with this. I would love to see where it goes.

Kethry
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082
Victoria Australia
2 posted 2002-04-24 06:10 AM


As a descriptive piece this is well written, it is an interesting view of (insanity)?
This gives me that impression
"as the potent chemicals course through her delicate, fragile veins.  The heavy steel door is firmly locked [the key safely tucked away in Jane Doe's pocket], the security camera on."
It is also a good place to start a story as you can go forward or backward from here and I too like the descriptions but would have enjoyed more.
Perhaps you can expand on it...
Keth

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind.  Unknown



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