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My Masochism Monologue
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My Masochism Monologue |
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Night_Myst Junior Member
since 2000-08-16
Posts 34River Falls, WI |
The room is dark. You can see only my silhouette on the stage. After a few moments, I hear the audience begin to whisper. The click of a single overhead light snaps the audience into silence as I appear in the light. Good evening. I won’t bore you with needless information, so I’ll give you what you need. I am the greatest actor in the world. Tom Cruise and Anthony Hopkins have nothing on me. I can make you believe anything I want you to because I’m also a wonderful illusionist. I can pull the wool over your eyes better than David Copperfield with little more effort than a thought. The interesting part of this is that I am everything and nothing all at the same time. I am exactly what you expect me to be, and everything unexpected. I am no one, and I’m your best friend. I’m not schizophrenic, I’m just everyone. Oh yes, and I am a masochist. I’d like to think of myself as a pretty good one too. See, you would never know it. There is no evidence. You can search for razors, knives, blood or scars and you will never find any. Not because I can hide them from you, but because they don’t exist. Not physically, anyway. Before we get to logistics, you’re probably wondering why I do this. Honestly, it hurts. A lot. But the interesting flip side to that one is that it brings great amounts of pleasure all at the same time. If life is horribly painful, it doesn’t take much to get a high. Something of a contradiction, I know, but what in life isn’t? The highs I get are the purest form of a high that ever can be. Damn it, I feel great sometimes. Yeah, I feel pretty low too, but the highs are better than anything else in the world. I can cut deeper than anyone can with a knife or razor. They can cause flesh to open and blood to run, but they can’t possibly cut as deep as I can. When I cut, there is no open flesh and there is no blood running. The plus side on this is that it doesn’t make a mess. I hate cleaning up messes. Besides, it leaves behind some type of evidence that someone could pin on me and I just can’t let that happen. Anyway, you wonder how this is all so. My cutting skips the flesh, blood, and bone and goes straight to the soul. There is no band-aid for the soul. I can’t stop the bleeding once it starts, so I just have to wait. I know how long it will be. Usually, that is. It all doesn’t take too much effort either. That’s the beauty of it all. I can do it in public and no one ever knows. Can’t say that for slitting your wrists, smoking pot, or having sex, can you? They all just continue on in their own oblivious lives and don’t give a damn. But that’s ok. That’s how it should be. Whenever I want to cut, I have plenty of failures set up to let me do so. Competition, social life, conscience, you name it, I can fail in it, or at least make myself think I did. When I fail, I bleed for a while. It’s so easy it’s scary. You’re probably thinking now that I need help and you’re thinking that you’d give me help if I came to you and asked you for it. You like to think that you care and that you really do give a damn. All so you can sleep at night without thinking that you’re doing something wrong. That’s nice. That’s really freaking nice. You know why? Oh, you’ll love this part. You’re going to help me cut. Yes, you are going to help me cut. What? You think you’d never do that? You think that you’d never cause another person deep pain like this? You think that you’re good enough to realize when you’re doing something like that? You’re in for a big surprise here. You don’t even know how much you help me and in oh so many different ways. You help me cut and you help me continue. It’s so easy. All I have to do is stick the knife in, and you’ll twist it. Yes, you will twist that knife and jam it into my soul. You are the one who helps the blood flow from my soul. And you don’t even know when you are doing it. Don’t be so naïve. You might quit if you knew you were doing it, but you never know. Remember, I’m the best actor and best illusionist that you’ll ever see. You will never see the pain flash across my face. You don’t know what to look for and even if you did, you’d rather not look because it’s easier to deny the fact that it ever existed than to face the problem. But you’d help if I came to you and asked for help, wouldn’t you? Of course you would, right? You’re caring and you want to feel good about yourself. You wouldn’t let someone go on suffering, right? You want to make sure everyone feels ok. Ha ha. That’s really funny because in reality, you’re wrong. You’re willing to help me not only cut myself, but you help me continue on. When I come to you screaming for help, you tell me that it’s all fine and you give that knife a twist. Oh, yes, that’s what you do. You would rather give that knife a twist than to help. I don’t know if I blame you either. It is so easy to twist the knife. You don’t even know when you’re doing it. You know, I am the greatest actor. I am damned good at it. I am so good it’s almost funny. To think of how many people I have fooled makes me wonder if there is anything I can’t do. You’re all so easy to trick. You want to believe the best, and I make it so easy for you to do. My list of achievements isn’t small. I am a stellar person. I’m smart. No, really, I’m brilliant. After all, I’ve got you all beat, don’t I? Who are you to say that I am not out thinking all of you. You can’t beat me. You don’t want to beat me and I hate you for it. All I want is to not be able to beat you all and you’re all so easy to beat. Why the hell can’t you do this right and let me lose. Every time I win, I get stronger and it just makes it harder to beat me. I just want to lose. Just once. Why the hell can’t you do that? So yes, I will continue on like this. I don’t have any plans to change. Catch me if you can, but I know none of you will. You all make it so easy for me. I am the greatest. I am the greatest actor and illusionist. I am the greatest person that you will ever not know. So why don’t you help me out here. Give that knife another twist. I dare you not to. The single stage light flicks off and the house lights come up. The audience applauds the invisible shadow that is I. After a few moments, you and the rest of the crowd filter out through the back doors. I look out at the mess of tables with their martini glasses and coffee cups. I can’t help the grin that forms on my lips. I knew you would…did you? [This message has been edited by Night_Myst (03-16-2002 11:30 PM).] |
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Morcastlin Member
since 2002-01-14
Posts 244The Jersey Shore, USA |
Wow, this is a dark and powerfuly written piece! Makes one to rethink their actions! Love, Bonnie |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
You did an absolutely excellent job of depicting the everday life of someone with bi-polar disorder who experiences rapid cycling. I commend you on the metaphors you used to get your points across of the agony tearing on the inside, and the masks used on the outside. I don't think I have ever read anything that showed the internal pain much better than you have written here. And as you said, quote: For in the twist is the survival, or is it? Great piece. The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives. |
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Secret Whisper Member
since 2001-01-25
Posts 298Through the Looking Glass |
... it's easy to act... it's the living it that is the hard part... Quod me nutrit me destruit. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
This was fascinating. I found it a bit repetitive in some areas, but I think it's fine conceptual piece. I like the pathos of the "play". It is eerie, and a bit cabaret. I do think it could do with some editing, but one the whole, I enjoyed it much. |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Night_Myst. this was eerie and subdued in it's presentation and I liked the monologue. Although I agree it was repetitous the repetition made it hypnotic. I don't know why but i was reminded of the magic mirror in the disney version of Snow white...and there's a trip I didn't expect. I don't know if you are talking bi-polar or not, I certainly recognised the absolute shroud of despair...and I like what you did with it. Write on Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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J. K. Mitchell Member
since 2002-01-12
Posts 311GA |
This puts me in mind of people we see on an everyday basis. We see them, speak to them and sometimes we don't even realize the things we do hurt sometimes. I myself have been none to do that. It's the last paragraph though that gets me. There's a whole point to it that I'm just not getting. Are you reaching out for help and everyone just leaves as you predicted therefore they're twisting a knife in you? I'm not sure I understand. "The only love there is, is the love we make."--Prince |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
I enjoyed this-I could see the stage and the audience, even if they are only a metaphor for existence among people who can never know you. No one can ever know anyone, can they? But while you are beating them, because they don't know you-think about the fact that they are beating you because you don't know them. Think about the knife that you are twisting, by being so self-absorbed that you don't even see it in them. Really think about it a minute. Nan |
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