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Aggressive Compensation
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Aggressive Compensation |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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I was not supposed to be there. I was not supposed to walk home alone. Yet life could be comfortable there, and that is what had I hoped for--perhaps an hour's amusement. So I walked to the bar, and found what I was looking for---quarters stacked for games of pool, dice in the back, and a juke box cranking "good enough" music--and people...in all their imperfections, unintentionally funny at times. It did not escape my attention that I stood elbow-to-elbow with the sources of my amusement. I ordered scotch and soda. TALL. So I drank. And then I danced. I shot pool, unsuccessfully. So I drank some more. I danced some more. I rolled the dice, even more unsuccessfully. I downed the shots that were offered me, and didn't even blink, after that double shot of Cuervo---I threw the dart and hit a triple--barely missing the bleached blonde stumbling by, (how blonde of her to walk my way while I held weapons in my hand...) But back then I owned a watch, and she was ticking at me LOUD. So I bid my friends goodnight, and said "bosh" to the offers of a ride home. "It's just around the bend," I said. "A five minute walk at best." Kisses and hugs goodnight down the bar, till finally I found the door and breathed in the starlit air of no smoke or mirrors, not lighted by cliche'd red lights. Feeling good, I proceeded to walk home. I didn't hear the footsteps until I rounded the bend of the shopping center strip--someone had cut through the alley and was walking behind me, within my hearing of the steps. You'd think I would have been afraid, but I wasn't. I assumed the steps belonged to a friend of mine, following me in playful lesson. So I said nothing and walked on. Glancing back revealed only a shadowed silhouette--could have been anybody. But then a fear gripped my heart aa I turned onto my tree-lined street. The footsteps quickened, and I stopped, stupidly asking, "Who's there?" My only answer was footsteps now running toward me. So I too, ran, trying for the first door I could bang upon, not even thinking to holler. I spied the house, between two trees, and dared to run between them to get to the door. That is where he tackled me. From the side, he knocked me down--one knee across my throat and the other just below my ribs, knocking the wind out of me and rendering my voice a mere squeak. I still did not believe, but I was stunned when he quickly had my pants undone and entered me--and in my shock I thought, "He's IN me. Oh my dear God, he has done this before." Tori Amos said it first I think, how funny it is the thoughts you have at times like these. My first thought was that he was "tiny"--and my second thought berated the first, in one of my mind's eternal arguments, "Well, wouldn't you call this AGGRESSIVE COMPENSATION?" But he began his machinations, still very much to my disbelief. He cursed me in Spanish (I understand that much to know)and as he writhed above me, something deep, something inside my brain snapped---and I grew angry. More than angry. That's not the word. I was ENRAGED. It was not a thing I thought about, but something that I just did, I began to meet him thrust for thrust, grinding in my fury--I still could not speak, so I silently, in fascination watched his face change. His eyes softened and he kissed me (I wish he hadn't kissed me) and he caressed my head lovingly, saying, "Baby, I know you love me, but this is WRONG." And then just as quickly, his face returned to demon, and he looked at me with hatred, and I closed my eyes, fearing the back of his hand. But he simply spat on me and called me "WHORE," as his erection wilted. He was off of me and running, as quickly as he had tackled me. I lay there stunned and realized where I was--one simple block away from home. I caught the bus there to go to elementary school. Part of me stepped out of myself, and saw me, as a child in line, toting books and waiting nervously for the bus to arrive. I sat up then and something evil, still quite mad with rage made me yell at him the bit of spanish that I knew: "Paquito.....!!!!" I don't know why, but I laughed as I gathered myself together. And no, I never reported it. One rape a night is quite enough. So I kept this story as my own for years---until one day, while in the company of a kind man, I told him. That day was the first time I cried for that night. For this gentle man that heard me out through this story, held me, kissed me on the head and said, "Guess what? You WON. You stole his power from him, and I am proud of you." With those words, and that simple kindness,one man erased another man's cruelty--and the word "whore" from my self-definition. [This message has been edited by serenity (edited 10-27-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I will tell you privately how much this touched me. Publicly, I'll just say that this made me cry and smile..I'm so proud of you. And so glad you are my friend. |
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Wanda Member
since 2001-10-23
Posts 461 |
This is powerfully written, and I am assuming this actually happened to you. I can't believe anyone could write such without the experience. My heart goes out to any woman who has to experience this type of thing. Wanda |
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The Lady of Shallot Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818USA |
well, I've been raped, and I could never write of it, if this is personal, you did a fine job.... -befriend yourself and you will never be alone- |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
I lay there stunned and realized where I was--one simple block away from home. I caught the bus there to go to elementary school. Part of me stepped out of myself, and saw me, as a child in line, toting books and waiting nervously for the bus to arrive. ======================= That day was the first time I cried for that night. For this gentle man that heard me out through this story, held me, kissed me on the head and said, "Guess what? You WON. You stole his power from him, and I am proud of you." With those words, and that simple kindness,one man erased another man's cruelty--and the word "whore" from my self-definition. ========================================== Obvioulsy I am too close to you to be able to read this an not be deeply effected... Having just seen Tori this past weekend.... and her stark impacting occapella performance of "Me and a Gun" added to the shiver that ran down my spine.... This kind of violation happens more than anyone really ever wants to believe ... You know how I love when you write prose, and you know how I believe we heal and learn from one another in the release of the words. Life hands us many things of which the reasons we will never know...some leave us scarred .... some leave us stronger, All I know is...I dont believe there is such a thing as a "whore"....its just a (certain kind of mans) word for a woman he cant own... Let no one own you but you baby. And YES...you did WIN and add my name to the list of PROUD. love you KA ME I can be your hero baby ... I will kiss away the pain |
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Accordionmaid Member
since 2001-10-28
Posts 153MA/USA |
There's a lot of healing that comes from writing about something traumatic, I think. I've surprised myself with how much it helps me. Great job. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
This was a difficult write--and I thank you all for your sensitivity, especially to the moderators for allowing me to write about a "borderline" subject--funny, I lost my voice that night and it took over twenty years to find it again. Shame can do that to you. So thanks all, once again. And I realize I have been selfishly posting and not reading, no excuses, it's just that when the "muse" is upon me, I don't read much, as I find it influences me subconsciously. I will try to return the favor--unless of course another frenzy hits me on the head---smiles and thanks to the prose forum for allowing me to stretch my fingers here. Love to all. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
serenity, i visit the prose forum occasionally but seldom leave any comments... i am glad that i came across this and feel compelled to leave some comment behind.. this is SOLID!! and i applaud the courage in you... |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Karen, I can't begin to understand. But I can say he was no man. Evil only survives as a secret. This is no secret anymore! You win everytime you demonstrate your sensitivity inpsite of your pain. Your tender, caring heart seems always open on these pages. And now I know you to be courageous as well. So while I cannot feel your pain, somehow, I think I feel your rage!  Sin isn't fair, but God got even, grace isn't fair either. larry c [This message has been edited by Larry C (edited 11-14-2001).] |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Oh Karen...this touched me more deeply than I can put into words. Tears run down my face at the thought of you having to go through this...yet, I smile too, because yes...you did win...not only on that night, but in writing this, and finding your voice again, you have WON...and I too, am proud of you. Love you dearly, lady.  "My friends are my estate." ~Emily Dickinson [This message has been edited by vlraynes (07-24-2003 03:09 PM).] |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
I love you and your strength (and your choice of Spanish). Susan C. |
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