The Starving Artists' Club

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Death of Valor
Junior Member

since 2000-06-09

Posts 20
New Orleans

0 posted 2001-06-16 12:36 PM

I would appreciate as much in-depth criticism as possible, please. ^_^ Though comments are very welcome.

The Starving Artists' Club

(for Craig, who says I will not end up at a Waffle House in Arkansas)

Rain ran down the windows in thick, solid streams, demanding its presence be acknowledged. It didn't seem to care whether that knowledge was accompanied with distaste or joy – only that it be respected. The rain had started that morning and hadn't stopped – only lulling for brief spurts of time in which customers dashed out to their cars beneath briefcases or newspapers.

A young woman wiped tables off with a dingy purple washcloth.

I'm going to get a bad grade on this paper, my GPA will drop, I'll get into a lousy college, and end up working in a Waffle House in Arkansas serving coffee to big truckers named Bubba.

A man at the counter turned in his chair and signaled her with a wave. He was a dark man with huge, hairy arms. The woman nodded, tossed her rag in the dirty-dish bin, and went to get him more coffee. She had been working for three hours and her feet already ached, despite her great aunt's hand-me-down walking shoes. Her great aunt had problems with her feet and no one else in the family could fit her shoes.

She picked up the coffee pot and had to pause for a wave of dizziness. She wasn't a sickly creature, but whenever she slept in, as she tended to with her particular job hours, it cast a perpetual headache over her for the rest of the day.

It's not just college. It's me. I can't decide on anything to support myself while I write. It all takes up too much time, and I want something I'll enjoy.

"Here ya go, Bubba," she said softly, refilling the man's cup. He nodded, but it was an absent, automatic courtesy that only gave her a better view of the top of his John Deer hat.

It seems the only way to write full-time is to marry someone who can support me. I'm not going to get married just for money. Or security.

She wasn't the prettiest of girls. That was obvious in the lack of relationships she'd had – albeit, she didn't try very hard for any relationships. She found it easier to push men away than lead them on.

When her shift was over, she left and put on a parka for the rain, mounting her bike in the pattering grey outside. The manager always saw her off from the doorway, which she appreciated.

In a short while, she was chaining her bike in front of a coffee shop. Inside, she ordered a cup and pulled out some papers from her pocket, feeling stupid in her Waffle House uniform in the nice, bright coffee shop. It was pleasant – dark green and beige-white tables and counters. There was a glass case by the cash-register with cakes, muffins, and cookies.

She sat at a table and scribbled on half-formed poems for over an hour, waiting for the friend she was supposed to meet, but he never came.

On her way out, adjusting the parka by the door before she stepped into the dark and the rain, she noticed a sign that read "Help Wanted" and applications on the counter below it. She folded one and put it in her pocket with her half-formed poems.

I just want to do something interesting. . . .

[This message has been edited by Death of Valor (edited 06-16-2001).]

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

1 posted 2001-06-16 04:22 AM

This has the same types of ideas that I often have experienced in my own life.  For example, the need to do something interesting, and the fear that one will end up doing something boring for the rest of his/her life.  I loved the comment you made about "working in a Waffle House in Arkansas serving coffee to big truckers named Bubba."  That was a very good way of summing up that fear.

I think this piece is very well-written.  However, I will offer you a few suggestions based upon what gave me a funny feeling in the story, grammar wise.

"She picked up the coffee pot and had to pause for a wave of dizziness."

I would have written this as follows:

"She picked up the coffee pot, pausing, as a wave of dizziness passed over her."

"He nodded, but it was an absent, automatic courtesy that only gave her a better view of the top of his John Deer hat."

This is one of those types of sentences that drive my nuts.  There are many ways of writing this one.  I think I might have chosen rather to write it this way:

"He nodded, but it was simply a gesture expressing automatic courtesy and giving her nothing more than a better view of the top of his John Deer hat."

"When her shift was over, she left and put on a parka for the rain, mounting her bike in the pattering grey outside.  The manager always saw her off from the doorway, which she appreciated."

This one is probably the one that bugged me the most out of the whole thing, and not entirely because of anything you did here.  The first sentence could definitely use revision.  I would write it in this way:

"When her shift was over, she donned a parka and stepped out from the building and into the gray, rainy world outside.  She then mounted her bike."

The second sentence really bugs me.  This is likely because it is POSSIBLY an error, in which something different from the intended meaning may be conveyed.  I've made this error a few times, myself.  Some people may read the sentence as saying that she appreciated the doorway, rather than the action of the manager at the doorway.  I may be wrong, however.  I think a second opinion is needed on this one.

"It was pleasant – dark green and beige-white tables and counters."

I don't know exactly what you were trying to do here, however, I assume that you were describing the resteraunt.  I would have written it this way:

"It was a pleasant place, with tables and counters that were dark green and beige-white."

"She sat at a table and scribbled on half-formed poems for over an hour, waiting for the friend she was supposed to meet, but he never came."

This sentence is a bit too long.  It expresses too many things at once.  This is especially true of the friend.  You might want to include the fact that he did not come in a separate sentence.  That would help to convey the passage of time much more effectively, while at the same time demonstrating the difficulty that the main character has in much of her experiences in life.  So, how about this?

"She sat at a table and scribbled down half-formed poems for over an hour, while waiting for a friend who was supposed to meet with her.  He never came."

Finally, in the last paragraph, cut out the definite article used to present the counter on which the applications were positioned, and use an indefinite article.  "a counter below it".

I am sorry if this "critique" was too harsh.  I just thought I'd help you out in this way, since you requested as much indepth criticism as possible.  Now, I have a bad feeling that my next piece on this forum is going to be met with some very harsh criticism from people wanting revenge...

Anyhow, I liked the story overall. Thankyou for sharing.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

2 posted 2001-06-16 12:55 PM

Hi. Welcome to Passions!! I hope you enjoy your stay here. Please feel free to join us in any discussion forum also.

Now! I read your story, then read Fractal's critique.

I disagree with almost everything he said!! LOL I really enjoyed the story, found it to be full of humanity and reality. You certainly write in a style that is publishable!

[This message has been edited by Poet deVine (edited 06-16-2001).]

Death of Valor
Junior Member

since 2000-06-09

Posts 20
New Orleans

3 posted 2001-06-16 04:23 PM

One for confusing language, one for publishable style.

Any other opinions?

*waves flag* My feelings won't get hurt, I promise! *begs cutely*

(I am a little worried about whether the title fits, or if there are things I could leave out or bring in for coherence....)

Kill me later - I deserve it - but for now just smile. (LJ Smith)

[This message has been edited by Death of Valor (edited 06-16-2001).]

Words_of_Glitter
Member

since 2000-10-25

Posts 90
USA

4 posted 2001-06-17 09:04 PM

Wow, this story was amazing and interesting and held my attention! I also disagreed with a few things the critiquer said. The way he re-wrote your sentences was a little corny...esp. the one about the coffee shop being "pleasant." I thought that the way you wrote was very real. The way that people think. You did an awesome job really and I will look forward to reading more prose from you!

fractal007
Senior Member

since 2000-06-01

Posts 1958

5 posted 2001-06-18 02:04 AM

"Wow, this story was amazing and interesting and held my attention! I also disagreed with a few things the critiquer said. The way he re-wrote your sentences was a little corny...esp."

Dangit!!! I knew it! I haven't even posted anymore prose here, and people are already knocking my randitions in THIS thread.

LOL

I didn't expect everybody to agree with me, lol. I tried... I admit, my style of writing is a bit off from many other people's styles. I've never had mine called corny tho, lol. I HAVE had a girl tell me that my writing sounds like a textbook, LOL.

"If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh"

-- Magus

Death of Valor
Junior Member

since 2000-06-09

Posts 20
New Orleans

6 posted 2001-06-18 02:09 AM

*laughs* You guys are sweet, thanks! ^_^;

Kill me later - I deserve it - but for now just smile. (LJ Smith)

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