»
Main Forums
»
Passions in Prose
»
Inspiring the Lost - Part Three: A Matter of Decision
| Passions in Prose |
|
Inspiring the Lost - Part Three: A Matter of Decision |
|
|
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
|
Part One: /pip/Forum15/HTML/001049.html Part Two: /pip/Forum15/HTML/001061.html Unlike some other stories, I'm afraid the 'parts' of this one canno stand by themselves. If you try to read this without reading the others, you'll at the best be lost. Chris Inspiring the Lost – Part Three: A Matter of Decision ©2001 Christopher Ward Bran felt his chest knot as Sandren the baker rolled his fist in the air. While not someone most would have chosen to be a forward scout, Bran knew as well as any child of Leafwood that the bearish man was quite swift when you tried to make off with one of his pastries. Everyone ducked low at the signal and paused. Jonathan and Nessan scurried up toward the front where Sandren and the other lookouts were stationed. The young man watched with a mix of fright and tension as the three conferred. Jonathan and Sandren disappeared into the tangle of trees while Nessan slid back toward the group. Bran watched his father moving lithely through the brush as if seeing the older man for the first time. Nessan had always been a fair father, a fair man. But to Bran he’d always felt distant, as if he were a figure of stone – inexorable and unreachable. Seeing him here in this light, under tense situations, Bran saw that his father wasn’t the rock he’d always imagined. The glint of suppressed panic on the short man’s face contrasted with a sorrowful look to give the man a face that was undeniably human. All too human, Bran thought as he choked back an unknown feeling for his father. To shy away from uncomfortable thoughts, Bran glanced around at faces he’d known all his life. He saw the same terror and uncertainty there that he felt in his own face, and had seen in his father’s. For the most part, the men sat on their haunches with their hands firmly grasping makeshift weapons, or ones he recognized as having come from his father’s forge. These people knew their lives were being unavoidably changed – and not for the better. They were simple people and lived simple lives. They lived lives that didn’t change. Change was not something they viewed as good. Bran kept to himself the realization that change was exactly what he was looking for. A distant thought played in the back of his mind, teasing him with the idea that even change such as this would be good. After catching their breath, the groups had quickly introduced themselves. Bran acted as the mediator. Nessan immediately latched onto Jonathan – a man he told Bran in a private whisper was a “natural leader.” Being too small to warrant an actual legislative body, Leafwood went to Nessan to help settle disputes. The same fairness Bran understood about the man he’d known all his life stood Nessan in good stead as a town mediator. It wasn’t something he particularly enjoyed, but Bran had heard him state more than once that it was better that he do it than someone who would be trying to gain advantage from the position. So it was that in times of trouble (of which the small town had seen very few) Bran’s father became the nominal leader. Again, not something the older man wished, but something he accepted. His father was at the front of the group now, talking with Kevin and Eric. Eric surprised Bran by his presence even less than Sandren did. Despite being the oldest man Bran knew, Eric was also the toughest. The grizzled old man was an ex-soldier from Regent Canton’s army. Bran remembered many days sitting in front of the veteran’s house listening to war stories while sneaking sidelong glances at his granddaughter Mina. Bran sighed thinking about the young girl. She was roughly his age and unarguably the prettiest girl in Leafwood. Nessan, finished with his exchange, returned to the center of the group. Those there huddled around him. “There’s another scouting party ahead of us in a clearing. They appear to be making camp for the night. Jonathan and Sandren are going ahead to decide the best way to attack them. Now is the best time. They’re unaware that there’s danger to them. They think themselves safe here in the woods and away from civilization. Also, they’ve spent the entire day walking and are tired. What they’ll be doing now is settling down to eat and drink.” Nessan rested a hand on Bran’s shoulder, a familiarity that took the young man back with surprise. Instead of shying away at the reaction, the older man simply squeezed gently at his son’s shoulder and smiled wanly. “We decided that we should included everyone in the decision. If you don’t choose to fight, then your best bet is to sneak by while we attack. They’ll be distracted and not too likely to notice people running through the forest behind. Those that choose not to fight need to warn the town. “Jonathan says,” he paused for a moment. “He says that these groups are just small bands of scouting parties. He says there is an army headed this way, and I believe him.” Nessan looked around at the faces of the men nearby. Slowly, each nodded agreement. They had all seen Jonathan fight, and his demeanor brooked no doubt. Aside from that, he had three stout companions and one very large black cat to bolster belief. “If the army’s path takes them near Leafwood, it’s gone. Our families and our homes will be destroyed. Our wives and children will be raped and tortured. And if we’re lucky, will die as well. Those that survive will be shipped to death camps, where the survivors will be crammed together in small cells and force fed grain and water in order to…” Nessan paused to cough the hitch out of his voice. “In order to flesh them out for cooking.” A few gasps escaped the lips of the men nearby. Bran swallowed back the wave of bile threatening to erupt from his stomach. He shivered in the warm night air and avoided looking at his father for fear of what he might see there. He didn’t need his father to be anything less than the rock he’d been Bran’s entire life. But Bran knew, by the sound of the man’s voice if nothing else, that the stone was slowly crumbling. “So, it’s on your heads. Decide, as you must, though it needs be done quickly. We’ll set into motion s soon as Jonathan and Sandren return.” Nessan nodded at the men surrounding him and slowly pulled away with his hand still gently clutching Bran’s shoulder. Once aside, the older man gestured at his son to sit. Bran softly cleared his throat and found a clear patch of ground. When his father asked, he did – there had never been any room for discussion in his relationship with the older man. At that moment though, Bran doubted he would have argued anyway. Nessan obviously had something he felt important to tell Bran, though the young man had no idea what it could be. Bran attempted a weak smile, but found he couldn’t maintain eye contact with his father. That same crumbling he’d noticed earlier prevented him. He didn’t want to face the fear in his father, or he would have to face it in himself as well. “Bran,” Nessan started, his voice low and gentle, something Bran had heard few times in his life. “I want you to do something for me, something important even though you might not want to do it.” Bran nodded over the lump in his throat. “I want you to stay back when we launch our attack. When a short time has passed, I want you to run back to the town as quickly as you can. Before you raise the town alarm, I want you to talk to your mother and tell her all that’s happened here in the woods today.” Nessan sighed deeply, running his fingers over his balding head. “The ‘messenger’ we had earlier, the one who warned us about the attack on Aliron?” Nessan prompted Bran, making sure he understood. “She’s in our house. Your mother’s caring for her now. I want you to ask mother what she learned from that poor woman. Be sure to remember everything she tells you. “When she’s done, you tell her that I want her and your sister to go to the smithy and prepare for siege. She’ll know what you’re talking about. When you’re sure that your mother has everything and is setting events in motion, I want you to come back and find us. If you can’t find me… If you can’t find me, find Jonathan. Better yet,” he amended with a flash of his hand. “Find Arianna. That lady has a better head for tactics than anyone I’ve ever met in my life, though I admit to being no soldier. Even Eric was impressed with her!” Bran unconsciously arched an eyebrow at the information. Not that Arianna, a girl, was good at something usually reserved for men, but rather that his father had already learned this. It had only been a little over two hours since dusk, and a good portion of that had been spent walking. How his father had managed to learn so much about the strangers was nothing short of amazing to Bran who barely knew their names. “Bran,” his father exhaled. He put his hand on the young man’s shoulder again. Despite the earlier occurrence, Bran still felt uncomfortable with the abnormal familiarity. “Son, I realize I don’t tell you… well, ever. Truth be told, I’ve always wanted to let you choose your own path. It’s no secret to your mother and I that you want nothing to do with the family business. We know your heart travels different paths. Bran, we understand this. But now, now we don’t have choices.” Bran nodded, still looking into the forest behind his father. He was overwhelmed and on the verge of falling to pieces. The thought of avoiding the impending battle relieved him, much to his shame, but that it was happening regardless filled him with a terror he’d never experienced. “I know father,” Bran said, trying to look at his father’s face. He took a deep breath and shared the sorrow in his father’s eyes. But when he looked into his father’s eyes, he noticed something other than the impenetrable sadness that seemed to have taken over the man’s features. In the depths of those gray eyes he saw courage, expectancy. He saw opportunity. Bran didn’t understand what he was seeing, but his father’s wolfish grin in response to his surprise told the young man that he’d not seen incorrectly. Trying to match him, Bran returned a grin that was more feral than wolfish, but sufficed for the moment. Nessan let out a small chuckle and squeezed Bran’s shoulder. Then, much to Bran’s relief, he released it and started rubbing his hands against his thighs. “You’ve more in you than I’d hoped m’boy,” Nessan said. Though he was speaking to Bran, he was staring out over the men huddled several feet away. “And that’s good too, because we all need as much courage as we can dredge up right now. Look son, if I don’t make it back, you make sure you take care of your mother and sister. And tell them for me… tell them that I love them and that I trust them in your hands.” Nessan stood and started back for the group of men. His hand rested on his son’s arm a moment, his head turned away. “And Bran,” “Yes father?” “Take care of yourself.” |
||
| © Copyright 2001 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Dernit - I didn't send that email, did I? *sigh* I feel like I'm missing something - like this very important piece of information was lost in the transition from part two to part three. It may just be my simple mind  but here we go from "there's lots more out there" - to someone scouting. I need to know who this pastry weilding scout is, and why he's scouting (I know, it's implied...but in this case, I'd like to be told the events of it.) Would make the transition more smooth, to me."The glint of suppressed panic on the short man’s face contrasted with a sorrowful look to give the man a face that was undeniably human." Too many faces. Maybe another word for the second 'face' - appearance, countenance, etc. "All too human, Bran thought as he choked back an unknown feeling for his father." Here, I think it would look better if the thought was in quotes (and italicised)... "All too human," Bran thought... I know Bran is a thoughtful person. He's in a situation of great change, and there's a lot to ponder...but Mina? I liked the direction that "remeniscent" (sp?) thought was going - giving info on Eric, but it went a teeny tiny tad too far into the memory, for the situation he's in. Does that make ANY sense? "We’ll set into motion s soon as Jonathan and Sandren return.” " Should be as instead of s. "Nessan nodded at the men surrounding him and slowly pulled away with his hand still gently clutching Bran’s shoulder" Need a comma between "hand" and "still" “Find Arianna. That lady has a better head for tactics than anyone I’ve ever met in my life, though I admit to being no soldier. Even Eric was impressed with her!” sigh - Arianna is my hero! BUT - even thought she's cool and all, I think the exclamation point at the end of Nessan's statement was a bit much. He's being too serious to warrant that effect, I think a period would do just fine. In fact, it would make him sound more reverent...more 'grave'. yanno?"He took a deep breath and shared the sorrow in his father’s eyes. But when he looked into his father’s eyes," repititionrepititionrepitition You're driving me nuts with this piece-meal stuff, Chris. I just have to sit and wait and wait and wait... (don't tell me to cope, brat)  Okay - Don't forget the little people when you get published. Seriously though, I love the story - you know that. You're very good at generating anticipation in your reader...I want to know what comes next, yanno?Keep it up keep it up! BOL Nic [This message has been edited by Nicole (edited 04-05-2001).] |
||
|
Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Very, very awesome Chris! It's getting better and better as it goes on. Bran is getting very mature, very quickly and I have no complaints, makes him a more likable character... This one did seem to start in an odd place, I couldn't figure out what the heck the scouts were and what the baker had to do with it. In the paragraph that describes the raping, pillaging, eating, etc.. the third sentence should say "And if we're lucky, WE'LL die as well" not will. Can't wait for the next installment, I need more man! "And every state of mind, left to itself, every shutting up of the creature within the dungeon of its own mind - is, in the end, Hell" - C.S. Lewis |
||
|
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
I don't wish to critique. I wish to read more please.....You mentioned in another thread that you type 10,000 words a day....could you speed it up a bit so we can read all of this!!??? |
||
|
Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
Okay, so you have the next piece sitting somewhere on your hardrive and I can sneak in and read it, right? I KNEW there was an avantage to getting up before you... *sigh* Have I told you lately that you amaze me? And screw you and your disbelief... I am not biased! (Nicole, tell him!) And LATER comes the red pen! HAHAHAHAHA!  ... more on that smilie later  Btw, listen to Linda. ... Where is she? [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 04-09-2001).] |
||
|
kitkat Senior Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 878Nova Scotia |
I just sat here and read all three parts. I need to visit this forum more often. I enjoy your stories Chris. I to was a little lost at the opening of this part but I get lost easily any way. Bran is maturing nicely. Looking forward to the next part. 4 right?? More more more please. |
||
|
Phreak Junior Member
since 2001-04-11
Posts 26 |
Fascinating. Really really good story...read all of them, can't wait for more. |
||
|
Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I'm here, Elizabeth, I'm here!  (Chris didn't ICQ this one to me, THAT'S what took me so long ... pout) Tonight's menu: HAMBURGER ALA CHRISTOPHER  "Bran knew as well as any child of Leafwood that the bearish man was quite swift when you tried to make off with one of his pastries. " Bearish? Is that a word? Not that it sounds so bad that it should be discarded automagically, mind you, but hey ... just thought I'd ask. "Nessan had always been a fair father, a fair man. But to Bran he'd always felt distant ... Maybe this is the stifling perfectionist in me, but I cringed when I read the sentence that started with "but." Methinks you could easily work it in as part of the preceding sentence, or perhaps begin it with something like "To Bran, however, ..." "The glint of suppressed panic on the short man's face contrasted with a sorrowful look to give the man a face that was undeniably human" I'm going with Nicole on this, except I think there are too many instances of "man" (man's) as well as "face." A synonym for face, if you wish, but if t'were me, I would simply remove "on the short man's face" and allow the reader to draw the conclusion that the facial expressions appear on, you guessed it, the implied "man's face!" (Hehe) Additionally, if the "short" is important to you, you can attach it to the second "man ..." Also, last sentence in said paragraph, "All too human" would be easier to recognize as a verbatim thought if it were italicized ... though I don't believe quotes are necessary. "To shy away from uncomfortable thoughts, Bran glanced around at faces he'd known all his life. He saw the same terror and uncertainty there that he felt in his own face ..." Are you seeing faces in your dreams, Chris? Is that it? Or was there a blue light special on this particular word at the Kmart in your brain? "These people knew their lives were being unavoidably changed – and not for the better. " How? Why? BE SPECIFIC! "After catching their breath, the groups had quickly introduced themselves" Catching their breath from what? Even given the allusion to goblin hunting (or what have you) in part II, this is still a bit vague. As far as I've read here, they've done nothing but amble through the forest (albeit stealthily) thus far. Do they all have emphysema? Exactly what brought these groups together, anyway? The "makeshift weapons" indicate impending violence, but you've yet to define or even allude to a target here. "Again, not something the older man wished, but something he accepted" Drop "again." Too informal for narrative. Who are you trying to convince? "His father was at the front of the group now, talking with Kevin and Eric" While not "wrong" per se, the introduction of new names without an immediate description is unorthodox and confusing here. Soften the abruptness with "two men Bran recognized as" or, even better, assign brief titles to them: "the grizzled veteran, Eric," etc. I notice you didn't touch on this Kevin person ... is he someone who was introduced in an earlier part? It's been a while since I read the last two ... just skimmed over part II to jog my memory. "Nessan, finished with his exchange, returned to the center of the group" I, after careful consideration, have decided that the wording above is unforgivably awkward. Return the subject to his proper place following "exchange," if you please. Creative phrasing is good, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it. "Jonathan and Sandren are going ahead to decide the best way to attack them. Now is the best time. They're unaware that there's danger to them. They think themselves safe here in the woods and away from civilization. Also, they've spent the entire day walking and are tired. What they'll be doing now is settling down to eat and drink." This bit just bothers me. It seems like Nessan is preaching rather than coaching men who are about to enter a wholesale slaughter. You could have easily paraphrased all the important parts of this speech in two to three sentences. Sorry, I can't offer anything more specific without rewriting your paragraph myself, which I won't do. "Despite the earlier occurrence, Bran still felt uncomfortable with the abnormal familiarity." A clinically sterilized rendition of human interaction ... drop the "despite" clause and leave out "abnormal" ... makes me think of a tumor or something. "He took a deep breath and shared the sorrow in his father's eyes. But when he looked into his father's eyes, " Mens' faces, father's eyes .... could bear without repetition. "Bran didn't understand what he was seeing, but his father's wolfish grin in response to his surprise told the young man that he'd not seen incorrectly." I think "he'd not read the emotion incorrectly" might put across your point a bit better, as well as eliminating the repetition of "see" (seeing, seen). OK, the rest of this is just general stuff ... I've touched on the lack of concrete motivation for this hunting party throughout. To this end, it is my opinion that a description of their quarry is in order ... give the reader a reason to hate this PARTICULAR group of beasties. Do not assume that we despise by association with the last little green man we encountered in the story. Describe the gore on the monsters' claws from their victims ... the spoils they've taken from their last conquest of a human village ... their unbearable halitosis ... SOMETHING. A vague enemy is uninspiring and does not work to build the suspense that is critical to the success of a passage such as you have here. Additionally, I have to again concur with Nicole about the sense of something missing between this part and the last ... there is a definite hole that begs to be filled. Remember that even when significant amounts of time lapse in a novel between one chapter and the next, the interim is usually supplied by flashbacks or internal monolgue ... especially when you are telling the story from a single perspective. Keep working, my friend. You have the beginnings of something great here. Linda |
||
|
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
*ouch* LOL Hey, thank you all for the good and bad parts. I admit that this one didn't see as much effort as the others, but I was forced...? I am merking down all the comments and critiques, and will work them into everything when the piece is done and I go back for a more comprehensive edit. As to the switchover - uhmm - sorry. The previous chapter used to have the smooth switch, with explanations and indrotudctions and such, which would have made the beginning of this much smoother. I uhh - just forgot to put it in the beginning of this one. DOh.  C |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
