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Critical Analysis #1
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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Sometimes I think How many people I meet in the world How many people I’m with at A movie On a bus Rollercoaster A museum And café And if I exist Even if its briefly For a moment In their thoughts Taking time Away from Someone Or something else Like his Walk Mustache Shirt Jacket T-Shirt And face Do for me quote: |
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| © Copyright 2000 patchoulipumpkin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
I've been there... I know exactly that feeling. You've captured it beautifully here... the only suggestion I have is not so many line breaks - maybe just spacing - so as not to break up the beautiful flow you've got going. -wen "I am everything you want I am everything you need. I am everything inside of you That you wish you could be I say all the right things At exactly the right time But I mean nothing to you And I don't know why." -"Everything You Want" Vertical Horizon |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
excellent writing, you capture the emotion well. I like the flow...the listing as thoughts exist breifly in the moment. Excellent work as always Fine Poet. |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
patch -- I think you do really neat work and it's totally out of character for me to hack and slash -- especially when I'm reading a good piece like this one... the thing is -- to me -- as a lover of free verse and beat in particular -- one of the challenges of turning a thought into a poem is to use words less ordinary, so, I twisted your fine work here just slightly into a Rebel style just for kicks ... Mulling over the copious people I encounter in the world How many people I’m with at A movie On a bus Rollercoaster museum café And if I exist Even if its briefly For a moment In their thoughts Mesmering time Away from Someone Or something else Like his Walk Mustache Shirt Jacket T-Shirt And face Do for me |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Thanks for all your comments, and rebel, i love your suggestion, its great, gives it a bit more flavour, that it didn't have. Thanks for the ideas.. |
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