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Sonnet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sonnet |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
"And like a streaking point of light" And like a streaking point of light in dark, we shine for a short time in our night skies and fade away by the next dawn's first spark so nothing is seen or lost to the eyes. Or as the short song of cicadas dies and the months of summer leave us so soon so as to bring about lonely sad cries, leaving only autumn sounds of the loon. How quickly in our lives we reach the noon and start to vanish from the day's gold light until the only glow is from the moon and nothing of our lives remains in sight. So love vicissitudinary times. To waste these surely is the worst of crimes. I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i love this poem. it has so much truth to it, and it is so beautifully done. i can't really offer any advice about the structure, but i think it's really a wonderful poem. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ryan "Live life to the full this sure ain't a dress rehearsal". This is an exceptionally beautiful poem evoking as it does beautiful natural images (which i love) and using them to illustrate the very ephemeral quality of man's material existence (not spiritual tho  ). The interleaving of the theme was interesting mirrored by the interleaving/overlapping rhyming scheme, I don't know whether this was intentional, but i noticed it ...lol Really excellent job .. and you even got away with the mammoth bit of vocabulary in the penultimate line i think. Oh yes and another thing .. some people would object to the use of "And" as the first word ... for some reason in certain poems I think it works very well, and this is one. It gives the flavour of having broken into a continuum .. a small interruption in the flow of life .... great work Philip |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Ryan, It seems pretty structurally (sp?) sound and the meter seems to be on the button (though I didn't bother to count each line). Third last line, consider changing "remains" to "remain", might flow a tad better? I thought the message was great and presented beautifully. The only thing I didn't like was "cicadia", for some reason I've always hated that reference....makes HULK mad!!!  CRUSH BUGS!!!Also, if ya have the chance could ya explain what "vicissitudinary" is. You fancy art folks and your big words Other than that it's a very beautiful poem...in a kind of sad realization of a "candle in the wind" type of thingy....why do I hear Elton John calling my lawyer asking for money cause I used his line??? Anyways, thanks for the enjoyable read, take care, Trevor Trevor |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
All Righty my friend... You've got your rhyme scheme intact - You knew that, of course..  Your theme develops well... um.. Did you use vicissitudinary just for me??? (For a change of pace, maybe..??) Thankee..LOL.. Hm... Where to start.. I, too, probably would not begin a poem with And.. only because it intimates that your first line isn't really the beginning... You never start a sentence that way either... I know that you knew that - So I'll not dwell on that one... The formal format of the sonnet would be best honored with capitals beginning each line, though...  Let's look at your iambic pentameter, shall we? Here's your version - and-LIKE/a-STREAK/ing-POINT/of-LIGHT/in-DARK we-SHINE/for-A/short-TIME/in-OUR/night-SKIES and-FADE/a-WAY/by-THE/next/DAWN'S/first-SPARK so-NO/thing-IS/seen-OR/lost-TO/the-EYES Or-AS/the-SHORT/song-OF/ci-CA/das-DIES and-THE/months-OF/sum-MER/leave-US/so-SOON so-AS/to-BRING/a-BOUT/lone-LY/sad-CRIES leav-ING/on-LY/au-TUMN/sounds-OF/the-LOON how-QUICK/ly-IN/our-LIVES/we-REACH/the-NOON and-START/to-VAN/ish-FROM/the-DAY'S/gold-LIGHT un-TIL/the-ON/ly-GLOW/is-FROM/the-MOON and-NO/thing-OF/our-LIVES/re-MAINS/in-SIGHT so-LOVE/vi-CIS/si-TU/di-NAR/y-TIMES to-WASTE/these-SURE/ly-IS/the-WORST/of-CRIMES Effective iambic pentameter is more than just a ten syllable count, ya know. If you look at your lines, you'll see that you have some inherently trochaic syntax squished into iambic feet. Articles such as "a", "the", and prepositions like "of" should really be unstressed syllables. Just a little "nip and tuck" here and there can fix it... Check this out... as-STREAK/ing-POINTS/of-LIGHT/with-IN/the-DARK our-SHIN/ing-MO/ment's-BRIEF/in-OUR/night-SKIES and-FADES/a-WAY/by-NEXT/of-DAWN'S/first-SPARK so-NO/thing's-SEEN/or-LOST/to-WATCH/ful-EYES or-AS/ci-CA/da's-SONG/so-QUICK/ly-DIES and-MONTHS/of-SUM/mer-PASS/us-BY/so-SOON to-BRING/a-BOUT/such-SAD/and-LONE/ly-CRIES left-ON/ly-WITH/the-AU/tumn-SOUNDS/of-LOON how-RA/pid-LY/in-LIFE/we-REACH/the-NOON and-START/to-VAN/ish-FROM/the-DAY'S/gold-LIGHT un-TIL/the-ON/ly-GLOW/is-FROM/the-MOON and-NO/thing-OF/our-LIVES/re-MAINS/in-SIGHT so-LOVE/vi/CIS/si-TU/di-NAR/y-TIMES to-WASTE/these-SURE/ly-IS/the-WORST/of-CRIMES OR... As streaking points of light within the dark, Our shining moment's brief in our night skies; And fades away by next of dawn's first spark, So nothing's seen or lost to watchful eyes. Or as cicada's song so quickly dies, And months of summer pass us by so soon; To bring about such sad and lonely cries, Left only with the autumn sounds of loon. How rapidly in life we reach the noon, And start to vanish from the day's gold light; Until the only glow is from the moon, And nothing of our lives remains in sight. So, love vicissitudinary times; To waste these surely is the worst of crimes. Whatcha think, Polar Bear???? [This message has been edited by Nan (edited 01-29-2000).] |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
roxane & Poertree: Thanks for the compliments, I'm glad you liked it. It came out of a school assignment to write a carpe diem (sieze the day in Latin) poem. Trevor: Sorry, but this boy like cicadas (but apparently not as much as my dog *grins*). Nan: Thanks for the input on my meter. I figured it would need a little work. I'll look at your suggestions and and fix it up as soon as I get some time. I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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