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American Dream
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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American Dream |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas 
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Well, after a long sabbitical from writing (nothing seemed to flow from my mind and pen) I sat down to write this one using iambic (make that trochaic [thanks Nan]) tetrameter, which turned out to be more difficult than I thought. Any structural comments would be appreciated. American Dream Walking with a broken gait Carpal tremor ever slight Wonders where he put the car Thirty feet seems so far Reading app with failing sight Told that he will have to wait Papery heart labored hard Working for his lovely wife Dying after sixty years Nightly he cries forgotten tears Lost time his work was life Ragged weeds fill his yard Now he sits and waits and sits Young case worker calls his name Telling him o'er steaming cup Social Security is bankrupt Noone knew who was to blame When his papery heart quit Alicat 8-3-99 ------------------ Le Jongleur Aspirante [This message has been edited by Alicat (edited 08-04-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Alastair Adamson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
How interesting it would be to follow your mind around for a day, Alicat... Your material is always unique and interesting... Your meter is actually closer to Trochaic Tetrameter - You open your lines with a stressed, rather than unstressed, syllable. Trochaic is much more difficult to accomplish - and there are a couple of spots where some syllable tweaking could be done - like - "Nightly cries forgotten tears" would adhere more closely to your metric norm.... Good poem, as usual, my friend... |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
trochaic tetra....bless me? I have so much to learn! Ali, I thought this was a thought provoking and meaningful piece. I'm sorry, I can not help you a bit in structuring advice. Though, I didn't see the original version..I admit. Now, I have homework to do. What was that again?....tetrameter....hmmmmmm. |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
This is the version to date after several suggestions from Nan and some self-critiquing. Follow this link for poetic terminology American Dream Walking with a broken gait Carpal tremor ever slight Wonders where he put the car Thirty feet so very far Reading app with failing sight Told that he will have to wait Failing heart labored hard Working for his lovely wife Dying after sixty years Nightly cries forgotten tears Working hard throughout his life Always at construction yard Now he sits and waits and sits Young case worker calls his name Telling him o'er steaming cup Public Funding have gone bankrupt Noone knew who was to blame When his heart just called it quits Alicat PS: Thanks for the suggestion Sue ------------------ Le Jongleur Aspirante [This message has been edited by Alicat (edited 08-08-99).] |
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Sue Member
since 1999-08-04
Posts 383France |
If you will allow me, I have a couple of suggestions for the finishing touch. "Failing heart that labored hard" improves the metre. Maybe "always at construction site" would give a pleasing assonance at the end. I'm sure that you yourself are not totally happy with "Social Security is bankrupt" - how about "Public Funds have gone bankrupt" |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Sorry guys.....Alicat challenged me LOL 65 !!!!!!!! |
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