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Critical Analysis #1
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Photography
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Photography |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
This is probably too much of an editorial, and might be crappy poetry, but thought i would share anyhow Native Americans Say a Photograph Steals The soul That the shutter Clicks Something away Takes a piece And prints it back As a third eye Looking at us Looking at ourselves And I think What was it like before we All had cameras To take Pictures Of birthdays Smiles Walks Vacations Holidays There seemed to be more control Without Methinks Sans Camera We owned our eyes We saw the day As it was And it was As it should be We still had birthdays We still smiled Laughed Even cried I’m sure And there wasn’t A flash in sight Only faces Looking at faces Of people Looking at people Like a zoo We now put bars In front of the world With cameras Lenses Camcorders And turn the world Into an exotic animal That we have removed From its normal home So that we can see Something we have Never seen before So we photograph Things Like A barn That has a sign near it MOST PHOTOGRAPHED BARN IN THE WORLD And I asked someone What they were taking a picture of They said “That Barn” “Didn’t you see the sign” I saw the sign And felt Maybe The Native Americans Understood something Because I couldn't see a barn All I could see was "That barn" And wondered if anybody Had seen it Before It had quotation marks [This message has been edited by patchoulipumpkin (edited 01-27-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Patch: I like introspective work and I like this. The only problem I have with it (and this is only my opinion) is the format. Again, this is only my opinion, but this seems to me to be more like parenthetical prose (very good prose, at that) than free-verse poetry. I just want you to know that I do not intend this to be a slam. This is how I would break it down: "Native Americans say a photograph steals the soul, that the shutter clicks something away takes a piece and prints it back as a third eye looking at us looking at ourselves. [And -- conjunction use at beginning of sentence --] I think [perhaps "wonder" here instead of "think] what was it like before we all had cameras to take pictures of birthdays, smiles, walks vacations, [and] holidays. "There seemed to be more control without, methinks, sans camera. We owned our eyes, we saw the day as it was, and it was as it should be. We still had birthdays, we still smiled, laughed, even cried, I’m sure, and there wasn’t a flash in sight. Only faces looking at faces of people looking at people "Like a zoo we now put bars in front of the world with cameras, lenses, camcorders, and turn the world into an exotic animal that we have removed from its normal home so that we can see something we have never seen before. "[So -- conjunction use] we photograph things like A barn that has a sign near it "MOST PHOTOGRAPHED BARN IN THE WORLD" and I asked someone what they were taking a picture of. "They said, 'That barn. Didn’t you see the sign?' "I saw the sign and felt [perhaps thought?] 'Maybe the Native Americans understood something,' because I couldn't see a barn all I could see was THAT barn and wondered if anybody had seen it before when it was a barn." In this you clearly state your thesis, develop your position well, and your conclusion is a slam dunk. Thanks for the read. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-27-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
patch-- this is an awesome piece, i absolutely LOVED it. and i disagree with jim here entirely, this is very, very good poetry, in my opinion. for example, the lines ... the shutter Clicks Something away have a impact that you just don't get from jim's prose version. you do that so well throughout the piece, isolate a word or phrase by a line break, giving it maximum effect. this is not prose arbitraily cut up into short little lines. i thought this piece was excellent, patch, in both content and form (with the possible exception of the lines "methinks / sans camera"... thought this was a bit of a misstep). very provocative, very original. thanks for a great read! jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-27-2000).] |
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DesertJana Junior Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 19USA |
patch... I have to agree with jenni. This is a highly provative work with a true and clear voice. Powerfully played and resonant. "I saw the sign And felt Maybe The Native Americans Understood something Because I couldn't see a barn All I could see was "That barn" And wondered if anybody Had seen it Before It had quotation marks" EXCELLENT! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
An innovative and insightful piece of work you've wrought, Patch. I, too, think the format is fine and effective the way it stands. One comment pertaining to your subject matter (has nothing to do with the poem itself): The memories that the mind loses are kept alive in photographs. great work, warmhrt P.S. Jims thinks he's grading research papers.  i.e. thesis, positions, conclusions ... |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Patch: Remarkable! A piece that reads well as both poetry and prose!  Nice work here Patch.WH: Always the smarta** ... you have to admit, though, that it does (1) have all the elements of good prose and (2) reads well as prose. Back to Patch: Since Warmheart suggested I was grading this I don't want to disappoint you so I would give the prose an "A" and the poetry an "A-". Not too shabby, huh? Thanks again for the read.Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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