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-DEE-
Junior Member

since 1999-10-29

Posts 14
SOUTH AFRICA

0 posted 2000-01-27 01:13 AM

If I, but one  mortal mere,
  could rid the world of each sad tear;
And lift the spirits, lift them high;
  and not a smile nor warmth deny.
The words I'd give would flow afree
  and speak of loves pure destiny....

-DEE-

"We feel what we feel, 'cause we do what we do;
we do what we do, 'cause we feel what we feel"

DesertJana
Junior Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 19
USA

1 posted 2000-01-27 12:14 PM

Beautiful sentiment and structure, this rolled, perfect iambic from my tongue.

Lovely work. Kudos.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

2 posted 2000-01-27 01:11 PM

Hey Dee:

Welcome to Passions.  I liked your use of meter in this too (iambic tetrameter for the most part -- perfect except for the first line) and agree that this is a beautiful sentiment.  A few comments:

"If I, but one  mortal mere" is missing a syllable.  To preserve your meter without changing the meaning of the line, I would suggest: "If only I, a mortal mere".

I thought "mortal mere" sounded a bit forced.  I would also suggest "neither smile" instead of "not a smile" for Line 4 because you use the word "nor".  I think neither/nor is, grammatically, a better grouping than "not a/nor".  Could just be my preference or a bias passed on by one of my English Professors years ago in this case.  I think "loves" in the final line should be possessive ("love's") instead of plural as shown.

Again, nice work.  I love to see lyrical poetry in here and I hope to see more of yours soon.

Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2000-01-28 09:55 AM

Hi Dee,

And welcome to Passions. A nice poem indeed. It seems I am late as usually but I want to add my pat on the back. I guess I must echo most of what Jim has said about the minor corrections to the grammar and meter, so I won't repeat it. With those little fixes, I think you have a excellent simple little poem here.

Thanks for the read.

Pete

What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity --
sufficiently sublime in their simplicity --
for the mere enunciation of my theme?
Edgar Allan Poe

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