navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Triumph over life
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Triumph over life Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Miss Abagail Mannering
Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 136
byron, il

0 posted 2000-01-26 12:29 PM


Triumph over life,
by Miss Abagail Mannering

Sometimes with life's
little twists and turns,
we trust in love
and then get burned.
We give your hearts
and share our souls;
we open our worlds
to fill in the holes.

*chorus****
And life's just peachy,
if you don't mind the pits.
Down the road of life
you survive by wits.
Sometimes life's hard
and ocassionally kind.
You can triumph all
if you take the time.
***********

Now, some judge love
by your rank and class,
and put great store
inthings of your past.
While others care only
on outward apperance,
and consider your goals
in life, an interfearance.

Most care little
for what's inside,
and if you 'put out'
they say, "Thanks for the ride!"
They find their pleasure
by inflicting pain.
The have no remorse
and feel no shame.

*chorus*

The ones we trust
dismiss our faith.
The cast aside
all feelings of grace.
They use what they can
then they turn away...
and ignore you when
you beg them to stay.

So, our hearts grow cold
and we want to die,
but we still hold on
to that same old lie.
We smile and nod
'cause it's still the same.
We think nothin' in life
will ever change.

*chorus*

But triumph will come
if we have faith enough.
When in our deep pain
we find true love.
And on that day,
look back on the past;
think of the fools gone,
and have a good laugh!

*chorus*
( This song was written April 4th, 1999..for my
friend's band...it was inspired by the breakup of my
most recent bf..and my favorite saying at the
time;"life's just peachy, if you don't mind the pits!")



 "Some people aren't worth a puddle of ant pee in the middle of a dessert when it's 100 degrees in the shade." -me

© Copyright 2000 Shanna Casinger - All Rights Reserved
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
1 posted 2001-01-01 04:47 PM


AbaGail~
This was pretty well done.
I hope time has allowed you to move on down the road
as another year has come upon us.

Keep writing and I hope you find happiness in 2001.
~*Marge*~




~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
2 posted 2001-01-02 12:32 PM


Miss Abagail:

I suppose what I am missing here is the music.  In a song, you have more control over the pitch and tempo than you typically do in a poem.  For that reason, reading this as a poem ... specifically as verse, I found several places where the meter stumbled and, as an inevitable result, caused some of the rhyme to sound awkward.  Also, there are times when the rhyme seems forced, causing syntax problems in some of your lines.

I don't know what the music sounds like for this song so I can't really comment on it as a song.  I think you can justifiably get away with cliche in song lyrics but, in poetry, it tends to become grating.  Not meaning to sound like a voyeur, but if this happened to you, then you are one of only two people with first-hand knowledge of the particulars of the break-up.  I would suggest that you be more specific.

Sorry.  

Jim

Miss Abagail Mannering
Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 136
byron, il
3 posted 2001-01-15 12:16 PM


OUCH!!...thank you Jim -
quite honestly, i had completely forgotten i had posted this in here...

Thanks MArge, I have found happiness in 2001, I am engaged to a wonderful man, and life is good.

"Ya have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince... just watch out for all the pond scum!!!"

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Triumph over life

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary