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Critical Analysis #1
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I need critiquing on this poem ASAP
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I need critiquing on this poem ASAP |
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Buffpimp Junior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 39 |
Ok well this is a poem i made for the love of my life, my dream girl. Deep within my heart there burns a love so strong. A desire, a passion that is yours alone that will make you belong. I am yours and yours alone for my heart yearns for you. A heart that has never been shown in this shape, way, or form. I havent told you how much nor have i showed you But my love is shown as such a strong bond between you and I. There are no words I know that can describe the way I feel. Its as rare as snow to find the right words at the right time. I want you to know that no matter what happens to us I will always love you no matter what the fuss. Please be honest in your critiquing. I havent made a GOOD poem in a few years and i need help. Thank you. Patrick |
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Stargazer Junior Member
since 2000-01-21
Posts 16Alvordton, OH USA |
The words are sincere, and quite lovely really . . but I do have some critique . . The pattern is extremely inconsitant . . .Or maybe that was the pattern you were going for? I don't know, because I don't live in your mind  I personally am a beliver in patterns of some level . . . of course, the technical quality doesn't rate the quality of the poem all in all . . . it's beauty and emotional level are vastly important . . and your poem ranks way up there in those categories! Stargazer "I wish they would only take me as I am." -Vincent Van Gogh |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Welcome to Passions and the CA. Since you asked for analysis, here is my two cents worth. First, the font and color you have chosen makes it very difficult to read. Please try something which is a little easier. Second, your rhyme scheme doesn't seem to hold together. To me anyway, a poem should either rhyme or not. Yours does sometimes a nd sometimes does not. Also, it may be just me again, but I find it awkward when the 1st and 3rd lines of a quatrain rhyme while the 2nd and 4th do not. Finally, you seem at times to maintain some meter while at other times you do not. Again, I think consistency would be better. This may be what Stargazer refers to above. Overall, a love poem with a very good emotional message which might be better expressed in free verse. Thanks and keep them coming. I hope to see lots more in the future. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
The sincerity that shines in this poem should make a good impression on the person you've written it for, whatever imperfections we might point out. (That is, of course, if your behavior in person corresponds with what you say in writing -- we're not ONLY on paper.) I would seriously reconsider the last line, however. "Fuss" is weak, right there at the end where you need to be strongest. It sounds like it is dragged in for the rhyme, and since you're not consistently rhyming here, it isn't needed. Say something closer to your heart. By the way, judging from the fourth stanza, you don't live in Michigan. "Rare as snow"? From where I sit, that's all I can see! |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
The ending needs work...seriously. Yes, the word "fuss" rhymes with "us", but you've traded a sincere poem's powerful ending for a rhyme. As for the inconsistency with the rhyme patterns (2nd line/4th line, 1st line/3rd line) I didn't really notice or care about that. I think it risks becoming singsongy if you patterned it perfectly. Don't worry about consistency. One thing about a love poem: if the feelings are captured perfectly, the way they're put down won't matter worth a damn. |
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