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Going Too Far
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Going Too Far |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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he stood upon the cliff, overlooking an endless ocean he moved slowly, closer, to the very edge, to see what was below. as he knelt with fingers grasping rock, the earth gave way beneath him, he fell with flailing limbs and screams, till shock overcame him, as he envisioned his fate. the jagged rocks were closer now, but he fell silently, his mind no longer saw the end, he welcomed the fall, he'd never felt so free. then reality splashed him in the face, as cold, clear water surrounded him, he'd landed in a deep pool, hidden among the rocks, "I'm alive. I have survived what I thought would be the end of me!" Perhaps next time he won't be tempted, to look over the edge, and he will wisely decide to remain on solid ground. warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-25-2000).] |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
i'm sure i can't begin to fathom the meaning of this allegorical tale, but i do know that i like it  (even though i'm not a huge fan of free verse)... keep up the good work  sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
jerome, Thanks for reading, and for commenting, and positively so. I think this poem, though I saw it as having one meaning when I wrote it, could really mean something else to whomever reads it. It is very much open to individual interpretation. Thanks again, warmhrt |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
warmhrt, This one speaks to me. I, personally, am one who has looked over the edge time and again. Somehow the pool always seems to be there. The really wonderful thing about this poem is that anyone can relate to it if they grasp its meaning. Good read. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jason, Thank you. I'm so glad you could relate to this. I've been in that pool a few times myself, though I'm so inquisitive that I don't learn my lesson. Thanks again for reading and for commenting. warmhrt |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Warmhrt, I can totaly relate to this...there is always some line you know you shouldn't cross, unfortunately most of us learn the hard way it seems. I think you could continue this tale with the trials of not "drowning" in the "pool" once you've fallen(just a thought from personal experience)...thank you for the read. Hawk |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
warmhrt-- a very interesting piece! would that all of our temptations lead to nothing more serious than a good dunking, lol. i liked the line "he'd never felt so free"... it has a certain echo afterwards, and puts a little spin on "perhaps next time he won't be tempted", and the ability of wisdom or reason to keep you away from your desires. nice job. one thing, though? perhaps the line "and screams" should be in the past tense like the rest of the poem ("and screamed")? (or maybe just say "a scream", i don't know.) i think you were trying to make the reader really feel the terror of the fall, and i like that, but the abrupt change in tense seemed a little jarring. just a thought. nice work here, warmhrt, i enjoyed this one. jenni |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hawk, Maybe I will continue it ... good idea. Thanks jenni, I should not have put the comma where it is, as the line should read, "he fell with flailing arms and screams", with screams being a noun, not a verb. Not sure now which way I should fix it ... don't know if that is clear enough. I'll figure it out. Thanks, jenni, for reading and for your kind comments. warmhrt |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Warmhrt I too liked this .. especially so when i read it in a "philosophical" frame of mind. I guess there isn't a person in the world who can't relate some experience that would "fit" this poem, or part of it. We all gaze over an empty ocean at times, we all try to find some excitement, release, whatever in that emptiness and sometimes that desire leads maybe to a "fall". The most interesting lines for me were "he welcomed the fall, he'd never felt so free." The freedom of the inevitable ..... I know it well ; and Jenni's comment regarding the soft landing was particularly apposite.For me, at least, the final stanza had the ring of wishful thinking, almost futility, about it. We will always be tempted and i guess many will fall ....... lol Great thought provoking piece .. but then that's what you intended. Philip |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, Thank you so much for your kind comments. Yes, I did intend it to be thought-provoking, as I do most of my work. This one, though, seems to speak to a wider audience than many of my other poems, because we all are tempted by something at some time in our lives. Thanks again, Philip, warmhrt |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Warmhrt, As much as I hate to disagree with some of my erudite and articulate predecessors here, I do think this could stand for some improvement. Don't get me wrong, I do think it has its moments but I think you've let the 'message' (which I actually disagree with) take over the story. Let's look at it more closely, shall we: he stood upon the cliff, overlooking an endless ocean --the ocean isn't endless and I think you're cheating when you use such words to provoke the immensity you want to. I'm pretty much alone in my distaste for such words (which include among others forever and eternity) but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop stating my opinion. he moved slowly, closer, to the very edge, to see what was below. --This parts okay. Simple but with a rising tension. as he knelt with fingers grasping rock, the earth gave way beneath him, he fell with flailing limbs and screams, --I thought this worked well as well -- strong image and I wanted to read more. till shock overcame him, as he realized his fate. --and here's a let down. I don't think there's any reason to put this here. You've got us going, we know what could possibly happen, why spell it out for us? Keep the action going. the jagged rocks were closer now, but he fell silently, his mind no longer saw the end, --but you don't tell us what he saw. Here's a great moment for stream of conscious imaging but I was left flat. Let your imagination fly as long as he's flying -- er, falling. he welcomed the fall, he'd never felt so free. --Why not to try to provoke this feeling with images of freedom or a vision or some moment of lost sanity? You use quotes later, why not here? then reality splashed him in the face, as cold, clear water surrounded him, --I could be wrong but wouldn't the water 'hidden in the rocks' be dark and not clear. he'd landed in a deep pool, --I figured that one out but perhaps you want to emphasize the hidden rocks part by putting that line before this one? hidden among the rocks, "I'm alive. I have survived what I thought would be the end of me!" --But the reader did too. Why do you need this explanation? Perhaps next time he won't be tempted, to look over the edge, and he will wisely decide to remain on solid ground. --and you end with a moral that essentially says don't take chances, stay on safe ground, and never let your curiousity take you anywhere (remember, he looked, he didn't jump to see what would happen). What happened was an accident and those things happen. Personally, I'll take my chances (without being stupid, I hope) and keep looking to see 'what was below'. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Well there we are then .. I guess Brad's critique confirms the success of this piece ... he read it in a completely different way to me... lol. I couldn't disagree more with him about the final stanza .. I never saw it as a "moral" quite the opposite in fact .. As a moral it reads in a far too smug and self satified kind of way to "fit" with my reading of the remainder of the poem. I read it with the strong echo of "BUT OF COURSE HE WON'T LEARN" in my mind .. It's ironic .. ... that's what I think anyway .. Philip |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Oh, Brad, Brad, Brad, I respectfully realize you are entitled to your opinion, as individual as each interpretation can be, although I feel you need to stretch your narrow vision a bit. Well, I guess I have been subjected to my first real Slice and Dice ... do ya use a machine or a knife? Philip, Thank you for confirming that this is much more than what it seems. warmhrt |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Warmhrt and Phillip, Sorry guys but accidents happen every day (that's how you set the poem up by the way) -- so the whole irony falls apart. You two really wanna argue with me? Ha, I'd think it would be fun. the incredibly egotistical, Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Heh heh ~squaring up for a showdown here~ (but later )Meanwhile - we've gone through the "Phil" phase Brad, now you just need to get rid of the annoying extra "L" !! ... back later ... the even more incredibly egotistical Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 01-25-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The extra 'l' is gone from now on, dude!!! I am from California, you know .Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Gentleman, I do not feel the need to defend or debate; I stand on solid ground, for now. Who knows what the future will bring... The often quite a smart a**, warmhrt |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
California ... THAT explains both the egotism AND being wrong all the time (O.J. Simpson jury, Rodney King verdict, Diana Ross and her Psychic Friends, etc., etc., etc. ad infinitum. "he stood upon the cliff, overlooking an endless ocean he moved slowly, closer, to the very edge, to see what was below." The ocean can certain appear "endless" and you are describing what he sees (an ocean without end) so, where is the problem? It's not like you are saying "I'll love you forever" or "I've been waiting for an eternity". (Take note of the differences here, Brad. "as he knelt with fingers grasping rock, the earth gave way beneath him, he fell with flailing limbs and screams, till shock overcame him, as he realized his fate." "Realized" (sound, not meaning) doesn't seem to flow quite very well here. "the jagged rocks were closer now, but he fell silently, his mind no longer saw the end, he welcomed the fall, he'd never felt so free." I liked this very much. "then reality splashed him in the face, as cold, clear water surrounded him, he'd landed in a deep pool, hidden among the rocks, 'I'm alive. I have survived what I thought would be the end of me!'" And then: "Perhaps next time he won't be tempted, to look over the edge, and he will wisely decide to remain on solid ground." I like the uncertainty of "Perhaps". Perhaps (heh-heh) this is what Philip (with one "l" ... again, take note Brad) saw in his reading of this. The most egotistical and biggest smarta**, Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jimteach, You finally got around to checking this out. Thanks for your constructive criticism. Does "envisions" sound better than "realizes"? Little difference in meaning, but I think it would fit. Thanks, from one smart a** to another, warmhrt |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WH: This is just my opinion, but I think "envisioned" would fit nicely here, considering the line in your next stanza, "his mind no longer saw the end". I like the parallels created by using "envisioned" and I like it's sound better too. I think it's a keeper. Jim |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jim, Don't you mean ad nauseum? What exactly does 'endless' look like? My argument is that anything 'endless', 'forever', 'eternity' and so forth is automatically an abstraction of 'very big' or 'very long' or longer or bigger than I can see, feel, or hear at that moment. There is a huge difference between saying 'endless' and 'farther than I can see' and it is of course hyperbolic. Furthermore, shouldn't we all be trying to encapsulate the image of the ocean (I know what the ocean looks like and I know the feeling she wants to evoke) in a way that makes me feel that immensity, that moment. As an abstraction, it does the opposite. It turns that moment into a geometrical hypothesis which actually distances the reader (okay, distances me ). Even worse, it's a word that is used in everyday language with no meaning at all (it's so common and so natural that people don't even notice it -- except me. ).Warmhrt, I've lived most of my life in California, Japan, and now Korea (where I live in an apartment that shakes when trucks go by). What exactly is solid ground? I'm having fun again, Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad, Korea huh? Well, I think you have worked very hard at it, and have earned the right to also call yourself a smarta** whenever and however it suits you. And there are always endless possibilities for the use of this title. warmhrt |
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