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The Shower
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Shower |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
We arrived at noon to iron gates foreboding senses terror awaits Ones in white no word on breath fingers outstretched imminent death All in a line we cannot provoke places distant clinging smoke I enter screaming a deafening noise our dignity stripped helpless toys Salt in my eyes I look around my people falling beaten down Madness has ended guards at a post nameless victims lonely ghost A motion forward into the room just the word Shower meaningless doom < !signature--> Hawk [This message has been edited by Hawk183 (edited 01-19-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ryan Whittington - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Nazi gas chambers? If not it most certainly could be. "Shower", "my people", "dignity stripped" [perhaps a double meaning, the victims of the gas chambers stripped naked], "guards at a post". The only thing I would work on with this is improving the "sound" or "cadence". You have rhyme but the meter in this, I think, should be more pounding (the abruptness of each line gives me this impression). Just my opinion though. Make sure to check your spelling too on "foreboding" and "deafening". I liked this Hawk. Thanks for the read. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I think this poem does a good job commenting on the subject. I agree with Jim about the meter and I suggest using a lot of hard consonant sounds and short vowel sounds to give this a cold concrete feeling. |
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