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Critical Analysis #1
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Voice
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Voice |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
It comes in the sweet blackness - The soft waves caress my ears and open my heart. The music flows from the speaker Like Angel, or Niagra. The plush velouring - Alluring. Many learn to love the darkness - Few relish the absence of light as I For through the threaded strands Come sensual and savory The taste like spices - Entices. I lay in the shadowy vastness - The current washes through the tattered folds Parting salvation and damnation Souly and purely. The dulcet hue - You. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Wendy Flora - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
This poem was going along wonderfully, and then the last few lines of the last stanza fell apart for me. "Dulcet" seemed to stick out like a sore thumb--a Thesaurus word in a simply worded poem. I like the idea of the non-rhythmic rhyming couplets at the end of the stanzas. That worked for me quite well. All in all, this is a great poem. You shed a little light on your personal darkness and the shape it takes. Wordshaman |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
"Voice, alluring, entices you" -beautifully played. I would have to disagree with Ws on this one...I liked dulcet. The flow and rhythm of this work is a quiet seduction of darkness, drawing you deeper. The only change I would suggest would be to ditch "the" in "taste like spices" and make taste=tastes. I also realize this messes with the format which seemed important to the poem. Make no mistake, Wendy Flora, I loved this piece and its soft sensuality. I offer strong KUDOS! Til Again, ~haze [This message has been edited by haze (edited 01-19-2000).] |
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Wendy Flora Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 182Virginia |
Interesting comments, you two, thank you. I will take them and play around with this somewhat.  -wen |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Very nice. I really liked this poem, especially the mood created by the soft sounds. One thing I thought you could do is to drop out "the" here and there. For instance: It comes in * sweet blackness - The soft waves caress my ears and open my heart. * Music flows from the speaker Like Angel, or Niagra. The plush velouring - Alluring. Many learn to love * darkness - Few relish the absence of light as I For through * threaded strands Come sensual and savory * taste(s) like spices - (borrowed from haze's comments) Entices. I lay in * shadowy vastness - The current washes through * tattered folds Parting salvation and damnation Souly and purely. The dulcet hue - You. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Wendy, Loved this poem, but have to go with Kirk, and maybe a little further. I think the only "The" you have to leave in is before current, and change the second to last line to "dulcet hues -". Try reading it through that way. Very smooth ... improves a bit on an already great piece of work. Nice one. warmhrt |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I enjoyed this poem.. It has a hypnotic quality to it, brought on by the last words of each stanza- a staple of a mood. I have to agree with shaman that "dulcet" took away from the poem a little bit, it seemed too great a word to be used considering the poem's prior content. Nonetheless, i enjoyed it. |
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