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Otter(the poem)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Otter(the poem) |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
I decided to go ahead and post some of the poem. Keep in mind this is an experimental piece; any suggestion is greatly appreciated. II. No thing is accepted at face value here. No Free lunch can be found. I've abandoned my hope for fear; And left myself, let down. I've wasted breath, Inside crashes, tears, and moans. Life, sex, and death, Created in endless circles, On and on. And I'm king on that throne. Independence...is scrawled , Christless and without gain, On bleeding arms, that define my all, And a brutal peace is all that is attained. I got mine during brilliant nights, Which left me duller days. When I abandoned my ethical fights, In search of better ways. My creation is the monster, That which makes one turn the leaf, My deepest sponsors, Are scorn, rage, envy, and deceit. I've led myself to these closed doors, Knowing I had no keys. Begged, cried, and screamed for more, With noone to hear my pleas. I've allowed thieves to fill me, Until stolen truths ran in the floor. I've given myself to pity, And bought myself from whores. I'm as empty as my meter, There shall be nothing after this. I'll have no thoughts to read her, Somehow it seems like bliss. III. My grotesque soul has rubbed itself raw; Ground itself to bleeding; Masturbated insatiably to fantasies, Of society's, Abysmal cruelties. The idea of America, Has been raped, my friends; Chewed up, swallowed, and expelled, Again and again. Into the toilets of poets' paper and ink. I've become sick to death, Of sitting in the corner, Searching for an interesting theme, In everything I see. This poet's soul is giving me indigestion. < !signature--> Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg [This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 01-18-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
The style of the poem notwithstanding, but going more with the content of it, if you're searching for something "poetic" to say about something, you'll never have anything poetic to say about anything. Guaranteed. Going with the the style of the poem, it seemed too general to say anything at all. Very vivid, but vivid about nothing in particular. I was disappointed. You started talking about America, then talked about writing. It had too short an attention span, in my opinion. See you around. Wordshaman |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Is this a continuation of some kind. You mentioned at the top that it is part of a larger piece. So considering that, i can't really comment on it, in that its not in its entirety. Having just read what you posted, i can say that i didn't really understand what you were talking about, except for maybe nihilism. Again, i can't give you any real critique until i have read the whole work. But there is some interesting language you use, "Masturbated insatiably to fantasies", along with more aggressive words i.e. "expel, crashes, brutal, peace, drained, grotesque, abysmal. Its very raw and harsh, but like i said i need to read it all to pass any real critique.. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
I'm in the middle of revision with this piece.(as you can tell it needs it)I suppose I was a bit too eager to finish it up. Forgive the construction. Wordshaman, Thanks for your comments. You are absolutely correct. The way this is reading right now I cannot believe I posted it. The theme,if I can actually get it across, is one that fascinates me. But, this just sounds like poetic rambling..."vivid about nothing in particular." J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
JL, I think this a very powerful piece(message maybe). The words are sharp and biting, I enjoyed this tremendously.I also suffer from the indegestion that a Rolaid just can't cure. Hawk |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
This has wonderful potential, but I agree that it needs some work. Tell me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that you are saying you see the world analytically, not in the "real" sense, and you're sick of it. You want to view the world the way you did before you began writing. The trick is, as Wordshaman put it, not to look at the world differently ... let the poetry come to you. You should not have to search for it. The best poetry comes from inspiration that just flows to you. Then it is your wish to write it or not. Don't feel driven by the need to write or produce poetry. warmhrt |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Hawk, Thanks for your comments. I hope you do read the finished product, I promise a clearer picture of what's going on. J. Warmhrt, You've hit the nail on the head. I view the world, if not because of poetic, because of journalistic instinct, from the outside in. It's where I get material from, what I base every piece on. This is not as personal a piece as it seems. However, as I have had to say before on this one, the reader can infer nothing the author has left out. Thank you for your comments and advice. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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