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My Only Sonnet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My Only Sonnet |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kenneth Ray Taylor - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
You up for this one Kenneth? Sure y'are. >Sonnet on the Station of the Mother Love the title. >The wisdom of the woman far exceeds >......the wisdom of her husband. Proof of this I assume the .....'s are to format the poem. Don't understand why though. Sonnets don't generally indent except the last lines (sometimes). These lines are iambic pentameter. Standard and flows nicely. >......is proclaimed aloud by nature in the gifts >and offices that God has assigned to each. You've broken the rhythm here. The lines are not iambic and each have an extra syllable. These lines also are irregular rhythm with each other. Perhaps drop the "has" or change to "God's" You've used almost rhymes.. exceeds / each and this / gifts. Actually they are almost not rhyme at all but rather agreement amongst the end vowels. >Preeminence to the man is given first. >......And some perhaps can't see beyond this point-- Drop the extra syllable in the 1st line.. probably the "the". >......that it's only over trifles he enjoys >some measure of authority, but cursed Extra syllable. Maybe drop the "that". >......with mortal limitation, he dies. >............What then becomes of all his splendid plans? Dropped a syllable in the 1st line. Perhaps change it to: with mortal limitation, he then dies. >Does aught remain of anything he's done? >......But He in whom alone pure wisdom lies, A little archaic but I like it. The Arch's really knew how to bend a tongue around a mouth! I'd change the "But" to "No!" >............as a treasure far too precious for the man, >entrusts the child to the care of the wiser one. Extra syllable in top line... maybe drop the "a" The last line has waayy too many syllables. It could be: "entrusts the child to the wiser one." where "child" has a formal 2 syllable count.. chi-ald. How would this all look... The wisdom of the woman far exceeds the wisdom of her husband. Proof of this: proclaimed aloud by nature in the gifts and offices that God's assigned to each. Preeminence to man is given first. And some perhaps can't see beyond this point- it's only over trifles he enjoys some measure of authority, but cursed with mortal limitation, he then dies. What then becomes of all his splendid plans? Does aught remain of anything he's done? No! He in whom alone pure wisdom lies, as treasure far too precious for the man, entrusts the child to the wiser one. Rhyme is not perfect but it reads well. A good poem and an interesting message. Kevin |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
kenneth: it's seemed like forever since you last posted something... good to see you again...  i use irregular stressing and near-rhyme in just about all of my own sonnets... it's good to know that i'm not the only one who tends to break the rules a little to fit my purpose i love the sentiment and i think the poem is summed up wonderfully in "the care of the wiser one"... i find few poems that state the main idea as the first and then again as the last line but to me it is very powerful here as it ties the rest of the lines together in a kind of poetic bundle which leaves a lasting impression on my mind... another superb work from the hand of a wonderful poet  sincerely, **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
kenneth-- let me say first i agree with kevin's sugestions here on improving the meter, rhymes, and format. (nice job, kevin! btw) but... are you serious??? the gifts and offices women get from God are to take care of the children for the men and their splendid plans??? tell me please you were totally captivated by kevin's earlier posting "how to write a poem" and decided to do a satire of your own. this is a satire, isn't it? isn't it? please say yes. jenni |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Kenneth...as is already stated, the meter and syllable count is off a bit on this, but I think with a bit of work you could really have something. Sonnets are very strict in their nature...iambic pentameter, 10 syllables a line, 14 lines. I'd like to see you take the hints given and redo this one to see what happens. |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
Kevin-- I appreciate your taking the time to correct the meter in my poem. Your edited version of my poem comes very close to the way I originally wrote it. Then I read a book which encouraged me to vary the rhythm a little here and there, just so long as the iambic pentameter still was the predominate beat. Perhaps I "overdid" what should have been an exception principle. Poetry Kills--Thank you for your compliments. I use near rhyme a whole lot. I find that it's a good way to avoid "trite rhyme." An example of trite rhyme: Have you ever heard a song for the first time, and though you'd never heard it before, you could practically sing the next line? I also break the rules of meter, not enough to distract from the flow, but enough to embellish the beat. Jenni-- No, my poem is not satire. Ironically, when I read this poem to my writing group, they couldn't take it seriously either. They, however, took the slant that I was trying to kiss up to my wife after an argument. The message of my poem is both very old-fashioned and yet contemporary. Pop culture is just beginning to rediscover that parents are important in the life of a child, which was a no-brainer to us older folks. But the poem doesn't say that the women should stay at home so that the man can pursue his dreams. Rather it says that nothing that a man can do can equal the importance of raising children. This perspective also makes me a more nurturing father, since I realize that nothing I could do is more important. However, the role of chief care-giver will always lie with the mother, exceptional cases aside. Hoot_owl_rn-- Thank you for the vote of confidence. I'm afraid iambic pentameter is not my strong point. It hurts my ears. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Smiles...then Kenneth, rewrite your poem how it is fitting to you and don't label it a sonnet. I've read some very good poetry that is quite similar to a sonnet in form, but without the iambic pentameter and not labeled a sonnet. To have a sonnet, you have no choice but to have iambic pentameter...so do you give up what's pleasing to you for form or keep what pleases you and ditch the format....hard choice sometimes  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kenneth: I'm glad to see this from you in here. It's no secret that I really like sonnets. I think Kevin did an excellent job of critiquing this and I won't repeat his suggestions. You are right that there are certain variations that many consider reasonable alternatives to iambic feet in sonnets. As far as I know, most agree that the sonnet must remain written, decidedly, in iambic pentameter. A few of the variations are the substitutions of trochaic feet at the beginning of lines or at pauses in mid-line. Another is the use of what some call "bastard" iambs or trochees. These are words that are naturally dactylic (DUM-da-da) or anapestic (da-da-DUM) but in their natural reading they seem more like trochees or iambs. To read more about this in here read the lively exchange between me and the lovely and talented Jenni in Not A Poet's recent post "Best Friends or Lovers". Brad thinks much of this is bunk but it appears the issue is an open one. Shakespeare used many of the alternatives as did Poe and Elizabeth Browning. Jenni: Geeze, Jenni, you are so closed minded!  Kevin (again): I enjoyed this quite a bit. Thanks for the read. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-16-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kenneth, I have also been accused of bending the sonnet rules, a charge to which I do not necessarily agree, but I do think you have gone a little too far here. Please don't misunderstand, I do like the poem but, if it is to be a sonnet, you probably should revise it along the lines suggested by Kevin. Or perhaps as Ruth suggested, just don't call it a sonnet. Then it's still a good as well as valid poem. BTW, like Kevin, I was distracted by the indentation and the leading periods. Nice work. Pete |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
Thank you all for your constructive criticism. I belong to a writer's group, and one guy in it drives me crazy. Whenever anyone points out even the most obvious error in his poems, he gets defensive and says, "Well, I meant to do it that way for effect." The only trouble, no worthwhile effect is ever produced by his errors. In my responses to you guys I was afraid of sounding like him. It's easy to be defensive of one's own work. Given a choice, I'd drop "sonnet" from the title, since the poem sounds too stale as it is. |
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