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falzone13
New Member

since 2000-01-16

Posts 5
Plainsboro, NJ

0 posted 2000-01-16 11:47 PM

This is my first foray into this site, so here goes.  This is a little blank verse, composed in the style of Wordsworth.  I'd just like to know what others think of it.  Thanks.

MEMORIES OF YOU

Walking along an old, forgotten trail,
I came upon a clearing in the woods
Which brought me back to days long past.  I saw
A garden full of roses, red and pink,
Yellow and white, each color full in bloom.
I was transported back in time to when
We were together; days which seemed to last
Forever, nights consumed with peaceful thoughts,
When happiness pervaded through my soul.
The roses’ scents, so warm and yet so full
Of fragrant smells so sweet, made me recall
The redolent aroma of your hair,
The silky feel of your smooth skin against
My cheek, the way you smiled so lovingly
When I was near.  These memories besieged
My mind as I stood looking out upon
The flower patch, forgetting you are gone
Forever, ne’er again able to share
With me these wondrous scenes.  The roses seem
To mock your life with their new blooming buds,
And so I must pass on, leaving behind
Your memories to linger with my thoughts,
Among the roses, for eternity.

karneliann
Junior Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 44
Baltimore, MD, USA

1 posted 2000-01-17 12:28 PM

hey falzone-

this is good stuff! these days i'm not a big fan of structured poetry, but this blank verse is simply delicious. there is definitely something to be said for good form. of course, the word choice is exceptional as well. i really enjoyed the way the speaker's mind was reflected in every way by his/her environment. truly lovely. i can't wait to see more posts from you!

[This message has been edited by karneliann (edited 01-17-2000).]

falzone13
New Member

since 2000-01-16

Posts 5
Plainsboro, NJ

2 posted 2000-01-17 01:05 AM

Thank you for the encouraging words. I guess I'm just old school in that I tend to prefer the structure. There's something about producing a creative piece within constraints that really piques my interest, though I do have a bit of free verse I'll be posting later. I really liked this one though, and would be interested in finding out what others think of it. Again, thanks for your kind words, and since your pieces are definitely far superior to mine (from what I've read), it means a great deal coming from you.

Kevin Taylor
Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada

3 posted 2000-01-18 04:23 PM

Yes, very good.

A couple of comments if I might...

The lines:

A garden full of roses, red and pink,
Yellow and white, each color full in bloom.

I'd reconsider the yellow / white phrase and use those syllables to focus the color / garden.

< !signature-->

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you got there."

[This message has been edited by kevintaylor (edited 01-18-2000).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2000-01-18 04:34 PM

Falzone, I like this very much, the wording is very good. I only have one other comment and it may be just me but I seemed to stumble in reading the line
Forever, ne’er again able to share
It just seems to have too many syllables or something. Or am I just not able to read it right? The rest of the piece flows quite smoothly.

Thanks for the read.

Pete

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