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A Serious Sonnet -- Jim, Brad: do your worst *braces himself*
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Serious Sonnet -- Jim, Brad: do your worst *braces himself* |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
this is my first (and i'd say my "best") sonnet, but i need to know what i did wrong (probably in meter  ) so i can improve... here it is, rip it apart... Love Sonnet # L every morn the golden sun doth rise and waken my soul to life again it traverseth not along the skies nor seeketh the praise of common men but rather riseth in thine auburn eyes where burn the fires of thy noble love and swell the flood-waters of my sighs which no other man hath witness of some claim to have sailed the seven seas and other men still, with kings hath dined yet i undertake much nobler deeds when i, in love, hath lived and died so, it is to that sun in auburn eyes that i shall live and peacefully die **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jerome Solomon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jerome: So how is it I get grouped with Brad as someone whose reply you must "brace" yourself against? I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult! (Kidding of course, Brad. I know it's and insult).  Okay, you asked me to do my worst. First, structure. This is actually a good shot at a sonnet, Jerome, especially for a first shot. You are right about the meter. There are places where your iambic pentameter breaks down (sonnets are usually written in iambic pentameter with occasional variations). Let's take a look at your first two lines as examples: "every morn the golden sun doth rise" EV- / -ery MORN / the GOLD- / -en SUN / doth RISE This is how I would break down the first line. Some might disagree with the way I split up "Every" but I think, in natural speech people pronounce "every" with two syllables. This way, however, the first foot is missing one syllable. I might at the word "On" at the beginning to give you perfect meter there. Keep in mind, though, that there are differing opinions on how to break down "Every". "and waken my soul to life again" Your meter here stumbles after "waken". (and WAK_ / -en my / SOUL to ...). Maybe changing "waken" to "wakes" would fix it. You also seem to be a syllable short in this and several other lines in this sonnet. Iambic pentameter is 5, two beat, iambic (da-DUM) feet, or ten beats. This one has nine as written and would have eight if you made the change to "waken". I actually like the use of the archaic language here. Many people have considerable difficulty writing in this manner but I think you've pulled it off quite well here. Some of your rhymes are near rhymes (seas/deeds, dined/died, eyes/die). You may want to see what you can do about that. What I really like about this poem is its subject matter. Can't help it ... I'm a hopeless romantic.  I especially like Lines 5 and your couplet (Lines 13 and 14). Nice work here. I can't wait to read your next one. P.S. Now was that so painful? Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
jim: it was in no way intended as an insult, only to say that i trust the both of you to give me sound advice about structure thank you so very much for your comments: hopefully i'll be a better poet for it... i have one question about line 2 though... if i made it "and AWAKENS my soul to life again", would that fix both problems you pointed out, or just create new ones? again, thank you  sincerely, **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jerome: It would then read: and a- /WAK-ens/ my SOUL / to LIFE / a-GAIN That would cure the problem of the syllable count but your first two syllables would be non-stressed and your second two would be trochaic (DUM-da). Perhaps: "And wakes my sleeping soul to life again" "and WAKES / my SLEEP- / -ing SOUL / to LIFE /a-GAIN" That would, I think, fix both shortfalls of the line. Oh yeah. I was joking about the insult thing. Brad knows his stuff when it comes to poetry (Politics? That's another matter). Seriously, it's no insult being grouped with Brad for the reasons you mentioned. Perhaps an undeserved honor (for now, heh-heh) but not an insult.Later. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Oh, I love sonnets...but in this one doesn't quite make it in the form it's in now, but a bit of revision, you've got a great sonnet. Sonnets, 14 lines, ten syllables a line of iambic pentameter...strict format, enough to make the best of poets grumble sometimes. I've taken the liberty of doing an example revision for you, just to show you. Love Sonnet # L each early morn the golden sun doth rise and waken up my soul to life again it travels not along the clear blue skies nor seeketh out the praise of common men but rather riseth in thine auburn eyes where burn the fires of thy noble love and swell the waters flooded by my sighs which no eternal man hath witness of some claim to've sailed the world, the seven seas and other men still with fine kings hath dined yet i've to undertake much nobler deeds when i, in love, hath lived and then have died so, it is to that sun in auburn eyes that i shall live and peacefully shall die The easiest thing I can suggest to you is to read it out loud or to yourself and over emphasize the stressed syllables when reading it so you get the feel for it. each EARly MORN the GOLDen SUN doth RISE and WAKen UP my SOUL to LIFE aGAIN it TRAVels Not aLONG the CLEAR blue SKIES nor SEEKeth OUT the PRAISE of COMmon MEN Anyway, I hope this helps...love your idea and theme for this one |
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falzone13 New Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 5Plainsboro, NJ |
Nice. I'm glad to see someone is still trying to write within the classic constraints. It's tough, but I find it rewarding when done. You seem to have done a good job here. I guess, after reading all the other comments, I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said. But I'd like to see more of what you've written. I think there's a lot of potential there, especially considering the format you chose. Good job. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Very nice content. I guess I'm pretty much a romantic too as most of my sonnets are along similar lines. Jim has already ripped apart the structure, as you say, and I don't think I can add anything there. Thanks and keep at it. Pete |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jerome-- a fine and noble sonnet hast thou here. 'tis my humble belief, nay, my certainty (but not the less humble for it being certain), that the refinements penned by noble james and fairest hoot would much enhance the beauty of this thy creation, and make thy beauty writ worthy of thy beauty's eyes. but, prithee, do tell, from whence doth thou procure'st thy pen, from what noble goose doth come the quill that launched such beauty as this, in christendom's newborn millenium? ay, that i had such a pen, that i might show my love all that love which hath loved before, and so that ageless love of old might new tears spring in youth. for to scale the garden walls of thy lover's heart, tommorow's wit today, though young, hath not that agility as that which first hath endured the march of time. though why this 'tis so hath oft befuddled me, surely it was this, which inspired'st thee to write in such a manner? if this my reply ring false to thy ear, hold still; blame not the author's heart, but feeble quill. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-17-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Wow Jenni, I wish I had said that! |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
jenni: you've got quite an elegant pen there yourself... however, i cannot credit my own writing abilities (nor my quill) to this poem (or any of my lover's rhyme), for it is not i, but love that writes... sincerely, **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jerome-- 'tis Love you say which writes such sentiment in wondr'ous and refin-ed speech, although methinks it hath a speech impediment; or why else doth it coo and lispeth so? just having fun with this, jerome, i liked your piece alot. jenni |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
*laughs* i like that a lot... can i quote that? (you know how authors quote their book reviews?) mine can be "methinks it hath a speech impediment;/ or why else doth it coo and lispeth so?" *waa haa haa haa* my roomate just made radiation blue kool-aid, **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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Ophelia Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19 |
You know, you can't go wrong with Kool-Aid and a roommate that makes it... my roommate always wants to make coffee. (Not a bad thing) And you can never go wrong with your intent on a romantic sonnet. Very impressive Poetry_kills...... |
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Vincent Spaulding Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 59 |
Jerome, I enjoy your poems. This one is beautiful. However, as a sonnet it needs work. The way I count it, nine of its fourteen lines don't have enough stressed syllables. You have a good feel for meter. Unfortunately, the meter you have the most feel for is tetrameter, rather than pentameter. But that's okay. I've long thought of writing (pseudo-)sonnets in tetrameter--just to drive the purists wild. Here's my analysis. (skipped beat assumed)-EV-/ery MORN /the GOLD-/en SUN /doth RISE (ok) and WAK-/en my SOUL/ to LIFE /a-GAIN (needs a fifth foot to be pentameter) (skipped beat assumed)-IT /tra-VERS/-eth NOT/ a-LONG/ the SKIES (ok) nor SEEK-/eth the PRAISE/ of COM-/mon MEN (needs a fifth foot to be pentameter) but RATH-/er RIS-/eth IN/ thine AU-/burn EYES (ok) where BURN/ the FIR-/es OF/ thy NO-/ble LOVE (ok) and SWELL/ the FLOOD-/wat-ers OF/ my SIGHS (needs a fifth foot to be pentameter) which NO/ oth-er MAN /hath WIT-/ ness OF (needs a fifth foot to be pentameter) some CLAIM/ to have SAILED /the SEV-/en SEAS (needs a fifth foot to be pentameter) and OTH-/er men STILL,/ with KINGS/ hath DINED (needs a fifth foot to be pentameter) yet I /und-er-TAKE/ much NOB-/ler DEEDS (needs a fifth foot to be pentameter) when I,/ in LOVE,/ hath LIVED and DIED (needs a fifth foot to be pentameter) so, IT/ is TO /that SUN /in AU-/burn EYES (ok) that I/ shall LIVE/ and PEACE-/ful-ly DIE (needs a fifth foot to be pentameter) |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jerome, Well, it seems I've let this one go and the monster of renaissance poetry has arisen. I have arrived too late and there's nothing more to do but watch from the sidelines. Yes, I would have demolished this on principle. Yes, I would have tried to show you that poetry is not about writing as they did three hundred years ago but about writing and using the subteties of modern English. Yes, I would have shown you the light and beauty of English as you speak it now. But who cares. This and all of your little offshoots are a lot of fun too read. Thanks, Brad |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
Brad: this is certainly not my normal style of writing... i'm composing a number of "archaic" (if you like to use that word) love sonnets for my dearest love as a gift... their intent is to be romantic, not to be serious modern literature... i apologize for all the grief i've caused you here... *heh* sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Yup. That really explored the unexplored there. I really have to commend you on ripping a page right out of John Donne's book and slapping it onto the paper with the utmost skill as you have done. A poem using the sun to describe love! Who would'a thunk?!? (Mine mistress' eyes do not shine like the sun...if it was cliched when Shakespeare came around...think about that.) Wordshaman [This message has been edited by Wordshaman (edited 01-26-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
libbi ....this sonnet started something ...lol |
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