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LRAW
Junior Member

since 1999-11-06

Posts 15

0 posted 2000-01-15 08:53 PM

A Friendly Gift

Give me a knife
or maybe a gun
speak to me slowly
or I will run
Cover me up
and pretend I'm not there
feel me shout
and breathe all my air

Hello Again
You thought I was dead
Maybe I am
But we are still friends
Yes we are still friends

Tuesday was just
a prelude to truth
When I broke our mirror
Hate ran right through
the cracks of our pit
and blackness set in
covered your mind
time ate all your skin

I was so scared
when you ended my life
I turned all the wheels
and the lights shined so bright
I ripped out my eyes
so I could see straight
you blanketed the sun
in the name of fate

Hello Again
You thought I was dead
Maybe I am
but we are still friends
Yes we are still friends

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2000-01-16 01:02 AM

I like the repetition of the "Hello Again..." stanza and the violent imagery, although "Give me a knife or maybe a gun" might be a little overkill. Perhaps a less obvious phrasing would work better.

Ophelia
Junior Member

since 2000-01-12

Posts 19

2 posted 2000-01-16 02:43 AM

LRAW,

I am not sure what this meant to you, however it made me think about a particular fight I had with a friend of mine, (who at the time was more than a friend). I think that the 'give me a gun' line is symbolic, maybe to give the effect that the other person is killing the friendship? I love the line 'feel me shout and breath all my air', I think it is perfect. 'time ate all your skin' also stick out as abnormally creative and original. I love the format and think it works well for the choice of words... great job.

Ophelia

angel6917
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 478
WI

3 posted 2000-01-17 03:54 PM

LRAW,

Your poem really struck home for me. I have felt somewhat the same with many of my "friends." Recently, I broke up with my boyfriend, and I think he'd use this poem to describe how he feels, too.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 2000-01-19 10:04 PM

Normally, I'm not one for hyperbole. I believe feelings are better portrayed by the actual incidents than by trying to find images to represent those images. Nevertheless, I, for some reason, liked the violent imagery in this one. Part of me would like you to explore that a bit more but then it probably wouldn't be appropriate for this forum. It struck me as some of the images in 'Event Horizon', not a great movie by any means but it still had powerful moments that stayed with me.

I would think about adding some punctuation to make it flow more smoothly.

Okay, just call me Mr. Inconsistent

Brad

Wordshaman
Member

since 2000-01-17

Posts 110
Illinois, USA

5 posted 2000-01-20 05:08 AM

Everything is pretty tight on this one...except that the "Yes we are still friends" at the end of the repetition stanza needs to go. Kills the rhythm hardcore. Unless you meant to do that, but it threw me off a little. Stuck out in my mind in a bad way.

Wordshaman

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