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And now on the lighter side...The Great Sumo
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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And now on the lighter side...The Great Sumo |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
The Great Sumo by Kirk T Walker Bulging, Straining, Japanese. Pounding, Heavy, Bent at knees. Calm eyes Slanted, Solemn lips, Entwined In each Other’s grips. Power Wielding Men of mass, Mountains To sea Fall, alas. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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simplyYRREHS Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 162 |
HAHAHA...amusing dance with meter and vocabulary! Thanks for the smile! Just a note (trying to critique)...the commas throw the rhythm for me, if I try to adhere to their pause. In the first stanza, the commas appropriately place the "space" needed for a smooth read, however in the second stanza, the lack of comma after "calm eyes" sort of makes me read a bit faster, hence throwing off the balance. I would eliminate the punctuation all together because a natural read would allow for the flow a little better!  Sherry[This message has been edited by simplyYRREHS (edited 01-14-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Kirk, LOL ... nice imagery! Well, I don't know if I would call it nice ... maybe fleshy! warmhrt |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kirk: I love sumo and I really liked this. I just have a problem with the "entwined" word being applied to sumo wrestlers. And maybe the last line "Mountains Fall to Sea, alas" rather than "Mountains to Sea Fall, alas". It reads more smoothly to me that way. Another good job. Keep them coming. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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karneliann Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44Baltimore, MD, USA |
this is a great picture! i really like it. i have to say that i agree with both sherry and jim's suggestions. of course, i'm all anti-punctuation, but even trying to put that aside, i think that this piece would be a smoother read if you at least got rid of the commas. i also like jim's revision of the last line, altho i think that "entwined" works fine; makes me think of an indistinguishable mass of flesh. i'm not familiar with sumo, so this is just like gross-out comedy to me. very effective! "My empire is of the imagination." -- She |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Cool, this made me laugh. REally well done... |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
kirk: i like this one, but i have one suggestion for you... as i was reading it i couldn't help but wish this poem had been formatted in some traditional japanese form... mabye you could have two versions of it... if you ever actually do it, let me know, i'd love to see it ;o) sincerely, **jerome the boy with no brain |
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Xeonox
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764CA, USA |
I am going to assume a lot of things here. I assume that you are comparing the strength of the sumos to the mountains and the sea. Also I assume that the sumo wrestling is moer than a sport. It is a type of a tradtion between two of them. Ronil (Inspiration for my poems is all around me for my muse is my reality.) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey, congratulations Kirk, you have managed to pull a few voices from the shadows, some of which we haven't heard from in a while. Nice job, Pete |
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Carla New Member
since 2001-04-15
Posts 6 |
This terrific poem uses minimal words very cleverly, a photo at a glance. It encompasses the amusing visual aspects in the first stanza, the slight step-back of the Western mind at that which must always be a mite incomprehensible, and a guess at the eventual fate of such Man-Mountains. I like the fun of this poem, enjoyed its hidden depths. Slight nits with the second paragraph, where the punctuation sets up the unfortunate image of solemn lips entwined together, that CAN'T be what you intended (?). -Carla |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Xeonox: Man, you have been digging in the archives! This is an old post. Actually I think it might have been on of my very firsts. Thanks for the comments. Carla: I have edited the punctuation, replacing the comma after lips with a period. Does this help? I hope so. I certainly didn't intend for these "man-mountains" to lock lips! ha ha Thanks a lot for the comments! |
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