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bodies under blankets
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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bodies under blankets |
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karneliann Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44Baltimore, MD, USA |
bodies under blankets driving back after dusk violet bruises fading to black humps and bumps of appalachians awaken in me the memory of your sleeping form illuminated by drowsy sunlight quivering slightly under the a.c. snowy caps and hollows beckon urging pilgrims' palms to touch and I know manifest destiny it's within arm's reach shifting swishingly under the sheet in the early morning hours of secret surveillance < !signature--> "My empire is of the imagination." -- She [This message has been edited by karneliann (edited 01-13-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 karneliann - All Rights Reserved | |||
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Karneliann, this is beautiful... the "swishingly" was a stopper (I don't think you need it) I tripped over it a few times. Other than that this is very good. it sings of romance & "secret surveillence" What a line! Over all-Truly, I loved it! |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Beautiful truly is the word. This poem seems to let the reader explore a moment that is very intimate, almost magical, to the speaker. "violet bruises fading to black" and "in the early morning hours/ of secret surveillance" were among my favorite lines. |
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simplyYRREHS Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 162 |
Beautiful indeed! And I loved "swishingly". That is so descriptive for me! Can hear and feel with that one word, the coolness and the way a sheet moves with "bodies underneath". Enjoyed your work!  Sherry |
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karneliann Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44Baltimore, MD, USA |
thanks everyone, this poem is dear to me; i hoped it would get a positive response. and thanks, sherry, i'm glad you like my "swishingly," cuz i was all ready to defend it. i thought it captured the feeling of smooth, cool sheets. it's intentionally a toungue twister; even if you trip over it, i thought it worked in this context. but, as they say, to each her own. "My empire is of the imagination." -- She |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kar: I too stumbled a bit over "swishingly" when I read this out loud. But aside from that there is very little negative criticism I can offer this one. The imagery is vivid and the romantic feeling is palpable. Excellent work. One more thing (this IS CA  ). The lowercases throughout were distracting to me when I read "Appalachians" and "Manifest Destiny". Just my opinion, though.Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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karneliann Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44Baltimore, MD, USA |
jim- believe me, i don't mind the criticism. this is critical analysis, after all, and as much as i'm tickled when people like my poetry, i don't mind some criticism. i'd like there to be some sort of discussion. one of the best compliments a person could give me would be to consider my work thought-provoking. "My empire is of the imagination." -- She |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
karneliann-- i really liked this piece, it is, like all of yours out here, incredibly interesting and thought-provoking, presented with a calm, contemplative yet almost dream-like tone. i loved the r/j reference, and the humps and bumps of the appalachians. (i'm not bothered by the lack of capitalization, i actually prefer it myself.) "swishingly" i also liked, lol. but one thing that bothered me about the piece? the manifest destiny lines seem, i don't know, a little out of place here or something, they ring a false note in my ear. perhaps it's the change in tone in those lines, from the somewhat whistful mind-drifting-off-to-memory mood of the preceding lines to the bolder, aggressive connotations the phrase "manifest destiny" invokes. maybe that's what you intended, lol. (i will say from the manifest destiny lines to the end the tone is much darker, more disturbing, especially the last line.) as i read it, the "snowy caps and hollows" of the sleeping form give rise or trigger an urge in the speaker for "manifest destiny", a desire to possess, tame, control, or 'take' the sleeping 'land' below, with somewhat sinister intentions, and i see this in conflict not only with the lovely recollection of romeo and juliet just preceding, but also with the "violet bruises fading" in the third line. (i read the "bruises" as being the speaker's own, and think of the speaker, in the first ten lines, anyway, as one acquainted with pain, but not a conqueror.) i wonder, therefore, whether a little more in the beginning, or less at the end, would serve you better here. just a thought. like i said, an incredibly provocative piece. thank you very much for posting this here. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-15-2000).] |
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