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Critical Analysis #1
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Life
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Life |
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cougaryouth Junior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 25 |
Anxiety is high doubts are set what ifs have been thought but still you are shy Decisions are made fellings are hurt insults are said and paths have been laid And time rolls on and you learn new things your body gets older and you lose romance but you gain new freinds and your mind gets wiser it goes so fast but time rolls on you meet the one but you hesitate and after sometime you know shes the one you face new problems and you think you should run but you stick around because the world scares you to live all alone without the ones you love And time rolls on and you learn new things your body gets older and you lose romance but you gain new freinds and your mind gets wiser it goes so fast but time rolls on |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Cougar, I really like this one...especialy the third stanza...the simple stages of life. I think you could make this poem even better with specific description(events)that take place in these stages.Just a thought. I am looking forward to future post... Hawk ps-Welcome to Passions  |
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Artur Hawkwing Member
since 1999-06-30
Posts 444USA |
Welcome, cougaryouth! I liked this poem a lot, as a matter of fact. 1. You are direct to the point and the way you say things come from a fresh perspective. 2. You think with depth about situations arising around you. You come up with your own answers, and you explain things in a way that makes it more meaningful. I am a person who likes to read poems that are simple and direct to the point. Well done. My suggestion: stay simple and direct to the point. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, I'm not going to go into too much detail about the poem but rather just a few pointers about technique etc. If someone shows you a lost red scarf, do you think it is more interesting to say to the person, "It is a red scarf." or to say, "The scarf, red in nature, lost it's neck thereby reducing its pride to knitted contemplation about its purpose in life."...okay so maybe the second one wasn't all that interesting but I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make. Blue sky, yellow sun, wet water, dark night...etc. doesn't tell me a anything I don't know all ready and it certainly doesn't tell the reader your thoughts on the sky or the sun, etc. For example, in this poem you say, "Decisions are made/feelings are hurt/insults are said/and paths have been laid" What decisions, what feelings, what insults and what paths?? You're telling me the sky is blue (I already know this) but you give me no insight to why you think the sky is blue or how the sky became blue. Don't tell me you have a slice of pizza, tell me how it smells, how it tastes, how much it costs, how you earned the money to buy the slice or how you made the pizza....ya get get my drift? Anyways that's my advice....and I don't think there is anything wrong with minimalism as long as it has depth....very tricky thing, perhaps ask Haze for some more advice on this, if that is the form you're searching for. Also I don't think the repetition of the "And time rolls on...." stanza is not necessary. It's not a song, it's a poem and doesn't really need a chorus, nor is the stanza that important to warrent repetition. Just my opinion. It also be nice to hear comments from the other on their feelings about comments made towards their work. What did you think about the whole "Tonya" debacle and what do you think about the advice offered towards you're work by the other poets here? It always helps to communicate and be courteous to those who freely offer their advice, otherwise they might feel like their efforts are unappreciated, you don't have to talk their ears off but a few words once in awhile wouldn't hurt, once again, just my opinion. Thanks for the read, Trevor |
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