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Hawk183
Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130


0 posted 2000-01-09 10:36 PM


(ok...I have to give title credit to Brad...  )

In the aftermath, a walking carcass
found a home.
Breath and sweat doused
with great and terrible wisdom,
knowledge leaking onto a vinyl grave.

The stomach men recoiled in anger,
pumping 168 hours a week,
"oh...just one sip of OJ," they cried.

Litter stained the yard,
his mind having been filled,
and the grass blades laughed
at the wretching fool.
Bless their green little hearts,
always smiling so pleasantly,
even as he plucks them from their home.

And in enters Yellow Death,
big guy with no pity,
always never enough curtain,
his trumpets buzzing from the table.

He follows the little white rabbit,
maybe five or six back down the hole,
no Wonderland in this coma.

The opossum wakes with a mighty thirst,
hit the garbage and find the sauce,
endless roads on stormy nights,
just look at all the roadkill.




[This message has been edited by Hawk183 (edited 01-12-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Ryan Whittington - All Rights Reserved
J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
1 posted 2000-01-10 12:43 PM


Hawk,
  This poem is great. The imagery, the metaphor, the very idea.(and I read the posts leading to the title and I'm afraid you're right) But alas the format I found to be somewhat distracting; so I began wondering...is the distraction there on purpose? I have resolved that it is, to somewhat discombobulate the mind. Brings me closer to the lines anyway. If this was not the intention it is a sweet accident that really makes this piece work.
                          J.L.H.


 Jason
I...I have seen the best minds of my generation...
--Allen Ginsberg

haze
Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA
2 posted 2000-01-10 02:28 PM


Just Excellent!
Quiet Lightning
Member
since 1999-12-26
Posts 56

3 posted 2000-01-10 08:25 PM


This poem was deep.To deep for me to get.
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
4 posted 2000-01-11 08:18 AM


Hawk:

This is very, very good, Hawk.  The imagery is very strong (actually, sometimes it seems to veil the meaning of the poem rather than illustrate it).  I'm not completely clear on the meaning of this but I look forward to your explanation.  

"In the aftermath, a walking carcass
found a home.
Breath and sweat doused
with great and terrible wisdom,
knowledge leaking onto a vinyl grave."

This stanza is obscure and excellent.  "knowledge leaking into a vinyl grave" had me asking "What does he mean by knowledge?"  Actually, I am still asking that.    Could it be the "walking carcass" is a drunk vomiting into a trash can?  Never heard of alchohol referred to as "great and terrible wisdom" though. I have heard the phrase "Regurgitation of knowledge" to describe simple "recall" though ... was that the play you were working from? Way to throw me off the track, man!

"The stomach men recoiled in anger,
pumping 168 hours a week,
'oh...just one sip of OJ,' they cried."

Reminds me of a book I had when I was a kid that showed a picture of little men with sledge-hammers and pick-axes breaking up food in a person's stomach.  I liked the image here and the use of 168 hrs./wk. (24x7=168 for those without a calculator handy).

"Litter stained the yard,
his mind having been filled,
and the grass blades laughed
at the wretching fool.
Bless their green little hearts,
always smiling so pleasantly,
even as he plucks them from their home."

Is this a reference to the stomach settling effects of eating grass for animals?  Just wondering.

"And in enters Yellow Death,
big guy with no pity,
always never enough curtain,
his trumpets buzzing from the table."

Who is Yellow Death?  Why are his "trumpets buzzing from the table"?  Wait a minute!  I think I've got it (pause in reading while Jim dances around his office cubicle).  Yellow Death is the sun, the "trumpets buzzing from the table" is the alarm clock.  "Never enough curtain" ... I can relate.  Old "Yellow Death" finds even the smallest opening, huh?

"He follows the little white rabbit,
maybe five or six back down the hole,
no wonderland in this coma."

He being the sun ... even finds the rabbits deep in the ground.

"The opossum wakes with a mighty thirst,
hit the garbage and find the sauce,
endless roads on stormy nights,
just look at all the roadkill."

This is really sick now that I know what the sauce is (regurgitated "knowledge" hehe)   .  But I loved trying to figure this one out.  Thanks Hawk.  Keep them coming with quality like this.  Thanks.



 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther


Hawk183
Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130

5 posted 2000-01-11 03:43 PM


Jim,

Ok...I've gotta say you got this almost perfect...however...there are some metaphors left that I think may be too obscure.  I'm gonna wait a few more post before I tell all...and I really appreciate the compliment...this was a lot of fun for me.

JL...

To say that I put any substantial forethought into the form would be an exageration...however...in writing it,there was a certain attempt at chaos and insanity...so "yes and no." Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Haze...Thanks for the kind statement.

QL...Don't feel bad...this one is pretty odd.  But thanks for reading.

Hawk

[This message has been edited by Hawk183 (edited 01-11-2000).]

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
6 posted 2000-01-12 08:09 AM


Da** it Hawk, I can't get this thing out of my head!  The little white rabbit thing.  "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late-I'm late-I'm late" keeps resounding through my head.  It's that "Wonderland" reference, by the way (maybe you need to capitalize "Wonderland" ... a proper noun ... Lewis Carroll would have liked it that way I think).     Loved the Alice's Adventures imagery, though.

I suspect that the above was an illustration of the "partaker of great and terrible wisdom" slipping back into his comatose recovery from the previous night's "aftermath".  I think I originally mistakened "He" at the beginning of the fifth stanza as being "Yellow Death" rather than the "partaker".  Do I have it right now or was I right before?

I know I'm still missing some of the imagery.  I don't think it is necessarily too obscure ... it is simply waiting for someone as obsessive as myself to figure it out.     Fine, fine job here, again.  Thank you.< !signature-->

 Jim

"If I rest, I rust."  - Martin Luther



[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-12-2000).]

Hawk183
Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130

7 posted 2000-01-12 11:34 AM


Jim,

Way to go man! The "He" in the fifth stanza is in fact our "partaker"...although I like the creativity of your first post.  There is something very realistic about those "white rabbits" though, I tried to do both here...the "Alice" adventure mixed with the reality of the situation.  The last stanza, I think, is the tough one(because the way its meant,its not really sick at all ). I am very happy that you are enjoying this one, and I will appease the ghost of Carroll.

Hawk

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
8 posted 2000-01-12 12:04 PM


Hawk:

The roadkill ... victims of "partaker's" driving?  If so, then you are right, it is not "sick".  It adds another dimension to this.  Tell me if I'm wrong or right before I run too far with this thought.

Jim

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-12-2000).]

poetry_kills
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
9 posted 2000-01-12 12:46 PM


i like this poem... i'm not one to attempt interpretation of poems like this... unless i see a theme i usually just appreciate the writing... i am interested in the story behind it though and what events it talks of... i'll keep checking back til you finally let us in on the mystery    very good work though -- i dig it.

--jerome the boy with no brain

Hawk183
Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130

10 posted 2000-01-12 01:35 PM


Jim,

You are absolutely 100% on the money!  I'm speaking of the death that occurs in driving and the very "death" that is left when these "partakers" travel on their "road".  
I knew you would get it...keep running!

Jerome...
I am glad you enjoyed this one...it won't be long before all is clear.  When Jim is through,I probably won't need to post an explanation.

Hawk

[This message has been edited by Hawk183 (edited 01-12-2000).]

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
11 posted 2000-01-12 02:01 PM


Keep running?  I've got the green light?  Just want to add that this was incredibly enjoyable.  The message tacked to the "road-kill" metaphor is icing on the cake, good sir.  So, without further ado, Jim's interpretation:

Some drunk guy gets home from a night of drunken revelry ["the aftermath"] and staggers home only to vomit in the garbage can outside ["great and terrible wisdom, knowledge leaking into a vinyl grave"].

His stomach is clearly upset [stomach people].  Still not 100% clear on the laughing grass blades.  I think that he [the drunk] may have been crawling on hands and knees at this point.

He wakes up in his bed, the sun [Yellow Death] and alarm clock [trumpets buzzing on the table] rudely interupt his alcohol induced coma.  Our intrepid drunk, unphased, slips back into oblivion anyway [the rabbit hole with no Wonderland at the other end].

While the opossum is finding the drunk's vomit in the trash can [the sauce] the morning light reveals the multitude of victims of our unconscious drunk's mixing of revelry and driving.

This was outstanding, Hawk.  Let me know what I missed.  I'm tired now and need a nap.    Later.

 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther


Hawk183
Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130

12 posted 2000-01-12 02:36 PM


Jim,
You got it...almost perfect...but you do sound tired so I'll finish it for ya
You were right about the man on the lawn,clawing his way inside.  The white rabbit metaphor is meant as you put it...however I threw in the "maybe five or six" as an added bonus to show the man's consumption of little white pills to cure his ailment (hence-"back down the hole") This was just a little humor for myself...but you captured perfectly the overall meaning of every stanza.Bravo!  People seemed to shy away at even commenting on this one...thank you for letting me know my efforts were not completely in vain.

Hawk

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
13 posted 2000-01-12 02:43 PM


Hawk:

No need for thanks.  The pleasure was mine and the loss theirs.  

Jim

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
14 posted 2000-01-17 03:10 AM


Well, it was my title -- I enjoyed this very much and, yes, I've been there. I also enjoyed Jim's and your discussion. While I don't believe in 'right' answers to poetry (including the author's answer; it's just one interpretation), I do think that it's fun to share the whole reading experience. Okay, I gotta get back on the wagon.
Brad

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