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Love Sonnet # - 3.14
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Love Sonnet # - 3.14 |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
I just got back from Christmas break and looking back it seems I missed a lot of good poems  \ Here's one of my "sonnets." Let me know what you all think.  As the pale moon sets on another day, As I'm gazing deep into your glass eye, As you whisper sweet nothings -- I hear you say, "I shouldn't have eaten those chili-cheese fries." I listen to your melodious belch And sigh with joy for the love I have found. I would place in your hands Orion's belt, If then his pants would not keep falling down. I would give you the world in a second If my humped back could support the great weight, And it's too big to gift wrap, I reckon, And FedEx delivers everything late. So my gift to you must be simply this: The aftertaste of last night's tuna fish. --jerome the boy with no brain |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jerome Solomon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
YES! A sonnet with a sense of humor...Leave JB carve it up for syntax and pentameter...I LOVE IT! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
HAH! Came back to try it again after reading the first line once and look what I've found! Very funny. The old tuna-fish kiss! I'll tell you what ... I'll "carve it up" (as Haze puts it) only if you ask me to. But this piece seems to be more for fun then for demonstrating classic, sonnet writing techique so I'm offering to spare you the pain.  Thanks for the laugh. Tuna-Breath_Kills, wouldn't you agree? lol. Thanks again. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
Wonderful poem! I'm happy to see that GreyKitty has found someone with such depth of soul. She LOVES tuna too! I always enjoy your work. Keep it up. Your sonnet is much easier for me to digest than anything Shakespeare wrote, so you can honestly say that one of the poets from "Passions" has compared your work favorably to William Shakespeare's. |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
jboulder: go right ahead and pick it apart... i could use some help in "traditional" sonnet writing... your advice on this one can help me with my more serious ones... sincerely, **jerome the boy with no brain |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
jerome, This is a masterpiece! Just because it is light hearted doesn't mean it is not a great poem. One of the best I've read since I've been here. You really know how to twist a phrase. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Poetry: As always, I am happy to share some of what I've learned here in the Forum. Sonnets 101. There are three main types: Shakespearean, Spenserian, and Petrarchan/Italian. They are all 14 lines long and are written in iambic pentameter (five iambic feet, da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM). Some poets vary the beats per line and this is okay for some people and there are some allowable substitutions in the meter but, when just starting out I find it best to try to adhere to the rules as closely as possible. Once you understand them and can follow them, then you can break them. Just my opinion, though. They rhyme schemes for the different sonnets are as follows: Shakespearean -- abab/cdcd/efef/gg Spenserian -- abab/bcbc/cdcd/ee Petrarchan/Italian -- abbaabba/cdecde (usually) In all of the sonnets there is usually a thematic turn or a move toward a resolution of a problem or crisis after Line 8. The Shakespearean and the Spenserian should resolve its conflict in its couplet (referred to by some as a punch) while the Petrarchan/Italian affords more time for resolution in its concluding sestet (six lines). Now for the more technical look at your poem. An example of your use of meter: "AS the / PALE MOON / SETS on / a-NOTH- / -er DAY," The capitalized lines represent what I read as accented syllables. Typically, a sonnet is written in 5 iambic (da-DUM) feet. You have 5 feet but the rhythm or meter is sporadic. Compare: DUM-da/DUM-DUM/DUM-da/da-DUM/da-DUM (Yours) da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM (iambic pentameter) If you have difficulty reading the meter I suggest you read several of Shakespeare's sonnets as practice ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day"). Your rhyme scheme is pretty close to the Shakespearean format. Yours is basically: abab/cdcd/efef/gg. Most of your end-rhymes are near rhymes (as opposed to perfect rhymes). I would represent them in you poem like this (lower case representing a near-rhyme to a previous end word): ABAb/CDcd/EFeF/Gg eye/fries, belch/belt, found/down, second/reckon, this/fish are all near rhymes, close but not perfect rhymes. I think this is a very good start. Humorous writing, I find, is very good practice for writing sonnets. For me, it takes less than half the time. Inspite of the technical shortfalls, I honestly thought this poem was great. I appreciated the good laugh I got out of it. I recommend that you not give up on sonnets and I hope I have been of some help. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
jim: first, thank you for your help in this. i've always had a problem with creating exact rhymes that say what i want the verse to say, but i suppose that will improve with time, as i am still a very young writer... as for the meter problem, i understand iambic pentameter (and have read nearly all of Shakespeare's sonnets) but i still have inummerable problems trying to count it out in my mind... do you know any tricks? or perhaps advice for the way to measure the beats and stresses without too much strenuous work?... oh, and one more thing about the rhyme scheme: is approximate rhyme something frowned upon in formal poetry or is it acceptable?thank you again for your advice and help sincerely, **jerome the boy with no brain |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jerome: "i still have inummerable problems trying to count it [iambic pentameter] out in my mind... do you know any tricks?" Two tricks. (1) Practice (actually concentrating on hearing the meter in ANY poem) by reading it out loud. Some poems with particularly strong metrical value are "The Raven" and "The Bells" by Edgar Allan Poe. (2) A good dictionary that shows accented syllables is also useful. "or perhaps advice for the way to measure the beats and stresses without too much strenuous work?" Measuring beats ... when I first starting writing sonnets I counted off the syllables on my fingers. I still have to do that sometimes but now I can usually "hear" ten beats in a line. Stresses ... again, reading poems outloud, paying close attention to the stresses you hear from a natural reading of the line. For example. Read out loud: 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse. Read this out loud the way you've always heard it since you were a kid. The stresses should be obvious. 'twas the NIGHT before CHRIST-mas and ALL through the HOUSE not a CREAT-ure was STIR-ring not EV-en a MOUSE "... oh, and one more thing about the rhyme scheme: is approximate rhyme something frowned upon in formal poetry or is it acceptable?" That depends on who you ask. I, personally, don't mind near-rhymes so much (English is actually a difficult rhyming language). I will recommend what Brad recommended to me: Get a good rhyming dictionary. If I can be of any more help just email me. Lastly, Brad is the authority here on meter. I would suggest you look up a thread on "Syllable Counting" in the Alley. The last post might be in November or December so you might have to dig but it had over 60 replies. I can't remember who originated the post. If you can't find it, let me know. Good luck. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-13-2000).] |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
Jerome, I too find iambic pentameter difficult to write. I also find perfect iambic pentameter to be somewhat boring if it isn't varied here and there. For example, adding an extra unstressed syllable here and there can make a poem less monotonous. I didn't know that one was allowed to do this, until I read about it in Lewis Turco's "New Book of Forms." At the time I had just written my first sonnet. My original ending was "En-TRUSTS the CHILD un-TO the WIS-er ONE." My sonnet was stale and forced. But when I read that varying the meter (while still allowing iambic pentameter to predominate) can add interest to a poem, I changed my final line to: "En-TRUSTS the CHILD to the CARE of the WIS-er ONE." This greatly improved my poem. It also made the poem read more naturally, since it didn't rely on the reader knowing that I intended to accent the second syllable of the word "unto"--most unnatural indeed! As far as counting meter, I also use my fingers to count out the accented syllables, as I would beats to a measure of music. For iambic pentameter one hand suffices. Actually, though, I find iambic pentameter awkward to the ear, sort of like 5/4 time in music. I prefer four beats to the measure myself. But then again, I don't write much serious poetry. [This message has been edited by Kenneth Ray Taylor (edited 01-13-2000).] |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
Regarding your first line. I only count four beats. (Jim counted five, but I'm a bit hard of hearing.) Jim's reckoning: AS the / PALE MOON / SETS on / a-NOTH- / -er DAY My reckoning: as the PALE / moon SETS/ on a- NOTH- / -er DAY I suppose this only goes to show that meter (like a poem itself) is open to various interpretations. |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
great, beautiful, its perfect. Maybe not the rhyming but the ideas and expressions are brilliant. I loved it, man, really good. There's your criticism. |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
patchoulipumpkin: thank you dearly for your kind words... this was only my second sonnet and i'm delighted that it was recieved with such positive remarks... i'll keep an eye out for your works on the forum again, thank yousincerely, **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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SnglDad Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 115Seattle area |
Now that`s one that i can relate to..lol Looks like you had a good time over the holidays? Thanx for sharing the laugh. I really dont understand alot of what Jim has to say in most of his post,but I think this is Great NO offense Jim,it`s just that Im still new at this. [This message has been edited by SnglDad (edited 01-15-2000).] |
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Vincent Spaulding Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 59 |
Great poem! Don't worry about breaking the rules. To coin a clever phrase: rules were made to be broken. |
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Vincent Spaulding Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 59 |
Jerome, I thought you'd get a kick out of this. Jenni just posted a poem called "Sonnet" that she said was inspired by "Jerome's sonnet." Since hers was light-hearted, I assumed that it was the 3.14 Sonnet to which she referred. I figured you'd be flattered. I know I'd be. --Vincent |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
vincent: actually her poem comes from the comments she made on another of the so-called-sonnets that i posted... the title is "A Serious Sonnet: Jim, Brad do your worst"... she said(perhaps jokingly *heh*) that she wished she could get ahold of the "special quill" that i used to write that poem... you can read her posts on that string if you like, perhaps then you'll understand her poem's origins better...  sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Vincent Spaulding Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 59 |
Jerome, Sorry for the misconception on my part. You should be flattered nonetheless. |
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