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Critical Analysis #1
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Untitled (She III)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Untitled (She III) |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
She was a wall of jingles. All keys, and chains, and change; Crossing my rooms in dusty daylight. Angels floated with her, Blackness oozed. In, through my cracked panes. Desperation... All was...silence, stark madness. Weeping anger swept up from distant past; But it was the smiles that broke me. And the jazz went on 'till 3A.M. Left... The need was to need her, Without being needed. Sleepless desires stalked the unswept corners, Of my sleepless mind. Me... The truth was engulfed in fruitless contradiction. Daylight's darkness. And bluntly stated, All we need is... Another Weeping. J.L.H. A little experimental. Let me know what does or doesn't work please. Thank you. J. < !signature--> Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg [This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 01-14-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Jason, this I like very much! The opening stanza is a knockout, which is probably why I felt the next three were a bit of a letdown: they paled in comparison. The "Desperation... Left... Me... Weeping..." felt good, but could possibly have been more closely integrated into the flow of the poem. Might also make a great title! Lastly, if you removed the period so it read "All we need is another Weeping..." Felt stronger to me, and that's the way I read it. Good stuff. It's never too late to have a happy childhood ... |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
YES YES YES! Need I say more? Your experiment is a success! & I'll tell you...the first stanza is so good...i wish i had written it! DAMN GOOD! [This message has been edited by haze (edited 01-12-2000).] |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Jl, This is wonderful.. I really,really enjoyed this one. I have to say that I also wish I could put my name on this work. Exellent! Hawk |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I really liked this poem, especially the little transitions where you use one word, its almost like reading a chapter title, its really interesting. I love the lines, "Then need was to need her/Without being needed", thought it was great. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Thank you all for the encouraging comments. The "Desperation...Left...Me...Weeping" thing was an idea an ex gave me about writing a poem inside a poem. This is the only time an attempt at that developed into something. It is an unpolished work, however my favorite line is,"It was the smiles that broke me." I was particularly proud of that one. Thank you all again. Also about the title, "She" is a title I give to poems about past loves. And believe me she was one. Notice there have only been three. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jason, This was a very successful experiment! I suggest you try playing a bit more with chemistry. I do agree with what John had to say, especially about that period before "Weeping". Powerful emotional stuff here, Jason ... Nice work! warmhrt |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
this is excellent. i like the broken up fragments, but i think that the period before "weeping" could be eliminated. otherwise, i think that the formula here works very well. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Well ladies and gents how 'bout it? J.L.H. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
J. L.: How 'bout it, you ask?  J. L., I can't recall if I've ever commented on anything you've written but I can say, quite honestly, that I'm sorry I waited so long.I think this little "experiment" of yours works quite well. The poem within a poem was actually what I noticed first. Because I am partial to puzzles, I would have liked the "mini-poem" to be more difficult to find. Just my preference though, and maybe a thought for the next one you do (I think there should be a "next" one. The imagery in your poem is very strong and this kept my attention quite well. Keep them coming. I promise to frequent your posts more often. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I agree with everyone else so far that the first stanza is brilliant and that the experiment should be considered a success. There is a lot of repetition in the poem which is good for singularity of effect but bad just for repetition's sake. Whether or not you like the effect that repetition can provide is up to you, but here are a few examples: "all", "need, needed, etc", "sleepless", and "daylight". |
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angel6917 Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 478WI |
WOW! A brilliant poem, and it hits you straight in the heart... |
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