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Bad day
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Bad day |
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Quiet Lightning Member
since 1999-12-26
Posts 56 |
Bad day Everyone has a bad day today I woke up late forgot the date and it goes to say I got dressed for school on a Saturday made a mess when i was eating my breakfast spilled the milk on my brand new dress when I went to change my clothes I find out I got a split in my pantyholes A knock on the door is what I don't need An enemy of mine making fun of me I went out to play on this warm cloudy day it rained just minutes after I got out there My best friend went away couldn't call her to play Just to show you today was a bad day |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
Don't get angry at me, but I'm just saying what I think. When you just say right out what you're thinking in the most convenient way at the moment, it isn't poetry yet. Therefore, a challenge -- Write about why that very day was really a *good* day. Think about it, feel it, until you actually get excited about putting it down as a *good* day. (For starters, it *was* Saturday, after all!) And I'll bet the result will be more poetical. (Even if not, it might be therapeutic.) |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i'm with ted here. the image of pantyhose and going out to play is disturbing. i also don't see an enemy just ringing your doorbell and making fun of you. it most often doesn't happen that way. this isn't quite poetry. it shows why you had a bad day, yes, but it needs another layer to it, a surprise, a twist, something significant, or shocking. welcome to critical analysis. |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
cool poem, it was funny, i liked it, as for the pantyhose thing, i didn't even think about it, I don't know i liked it as it was. |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Have to admit I enjoyed this, had a good grin. While a bit raw and unpolished, had a natural feel to it. Don't know where roxane and pumpkin found the pantyhose. I read "pantyholes" as very neat wordplay. Keep 'em coming! It's never too late to have a happy childhood ... |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Yes...Welcome to CA! Your poem has an interesting flow. The "pantyholes" line (the word itself) great play After that...it looses (something) Bad Day ************************** Saturday I woke too late Too soon forgot the day and date Dressed for school and so it goes Made breakfast mess on my brand new dress Changed the clothes and Dang you know I found a split in my pantyholes. Try this one on...Following the etiquette rules of C&C...If you like it, keep it; If not, leave it lie. TA ~haze |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
This poem reminds me of something I read in "Where the Sidewalk Ends"...I can't remember the title though.I smiled wide at this one, though I think you should employ some poetic devices...they make poems even more fun! Nice work. Hawk |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't know. I liked it in its very simplicity which kind of alludes to something more without being pretentious. I enjoyed the pantyholes line the best and I kind of feel that this is an exercise in understatement (the foreboding that Roxane mentions). A child who is not a child kind of thing -- that's interesting. On the other hand, I think it's always a great idea to explore ideas, images, and other interests as much as possible so I agree with Ted and also agree that some of the lines could be reworked -- particularly the first line (unnecessary) and the last line which puts the whole thing slightly off kilter. Brad |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
It reminds me of Jack Prelutsky, a children's poet who used to write things like that, but a little more child oriented. I agree, it doesn't seem to have much deepness to it, but that's cool with me. Not all poetry has to be serious. It's fun to have light hearted stuff every so often. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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