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Inside Out (life Inside prison & Out)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Inside Out (life Inside prison & Out) |
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PartiStarks Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38Brooklyn, NY |
I've just been released from the pin Upstate I was convicted on two accounts of attempted homicide and one account of rape Ten years of hard time, yes indeed I have served, but going back to the mean streets of Brooklyn, hell, won't take a lot of nerve Because the streets are very similar to being inside, I'll tell you a bit about it before I take this long subway ride Being in the pin wasn't much different from being in the streets, the only big difference was you were locked up getting beat By the CO's who were as corrupt as the inmates locked up, they were always doped up but they just never got caught And like the streets, we had our pimps who put their tricks out to work, but unlike the streets, our tricks were doods in a skirt Inside we had Little Louie hustling cigarettes on CB4 & back home we had Shorty Duwop hustling crack on the 5th floor The game is all the same, only the location has changed, just behind bars you are restrained & in the streets freedom & fame So, here comes my train and I'm about to head to Do or Die, but I just wanted to tell you why, the streets are similar to being inside & P.S. In the pin's defense, contrary to the previous relations (between being inside & in the streets) my so called "rehabilitation" got me a free education (This goes out to all of the unfortunate young men, whom I have met this past month, who experienced this -- God bless) I am a new writer. Please tell me how you feel about this poem. ------------------ [This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-01-99).] [This message has been edited by PartiStarks (edited 08-01-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 PartiStarks - All Rights Reserved | |||
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elvira Senior Member
since 1999-07-06
Posts 936California |
i'll try my best to give a bit of constructive criticism, don't take offense please  the structure can be improved by ending each line at the rhyming words you have already, such as: Ten years of hard time, yes indeed I have served, (not a perfect rhyme though) but going back to the mean streets of Brooklyn, hell, won't take a lot of nerve counting syllables will improve the flow of a poem...it's tedious but i try to do it on my own poems...in the above lines, for example, the first line has 11 syllables, and the second line has 18 syllables, they could be rewritten with 13 syllables each as: Ten long hard years are over, my sentence i did serve (now rhymes with nerve) to walk the streets of Brooklyn, won't take a lot of nerve i hope you found this helpfull [This message has been edited by elvira (edited 08-16-99).] |
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PartiStarks Junior Member
since 1999-07-31
Posts 38Brooklyn, NY |
Thank you for you suggestions. That was one of my first poems written. I have learned a great deal from being here and listening to your comments (In the past couple of weeks I've learned to count syllables and stay consistant). |
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Elvira may be right, but if free verse was your choice then all you need is a bit of massaging here and there. Rework the lines - they are long and line breaks could have helped the rythym dramatically. The message is good, the feelings are excellent, make it FLOW - with or without rhyme. ------------------ Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP |
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