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Don't Wanna Go
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Don't Wanna Go |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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Oh, how I wish I could stay, and not return to the confines of my own self-pity, nothing of it pretty. I can't pull myself away. I want to absorb as much of you as I can fit into my head, for the lonely times, when nothing rhymes, drawing your essence into my spaces. Then I will be able to feel you again, wrapped around me, as memory replays every second of that day, and, oh, how I'll wish I could've stayed. warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-05-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
wrmhrt, Beutiful sentiment, wonderful expression.The flow is so smooth; and the idea is brilliant. J.L.H. We all go a little mad sometimes... --Alfred Hitchcock |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Warmheart, I too enjoyed the sentiment. I'm very sentimental these days, thanks to that Tucson woman. The last two stanzas run very well, so why six lines in the first? I realise the rhyme is still there, though internalised in the first instance. You could easily break it back into the five line structure, but I think pity and gritty would still jar. They are short, sharp sounds, and to me spoil the lovely melancholy. Oh, my heart. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
An interesting choice of words. All simple, everyday words which somehow come across as more elegant than they really are. Also a sweet sentiment. I think I agree with John about the five lines in the first stanza. Oh, how I wish I could stay, and not return to the confines of my own self-pity, tasting sour and gritty, I can't pull myself away. To me this just looks better with the rest of the poem. Jus one opinion (or maybe two). Thanks. Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
JLH, John, and Pete, Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. Reading it again, I agree with the first stanza being five lines. I also noticed that "gritty" was a bit jarring, and have replaced both sour and gritty. Hope it helped. I think it maintains more of the "mood" now. Thanks, guys.... warmhrt |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
That's better, Warmheart. Still, let me be a bit more specific on what I see as the problem in that first rhyme. It's not just the short sharp sounds I mentioned before. Look at the stress pattern of the third and fourth lines in stanzas Two and three. The last foot in each line goes da DUM. Stress on the last syllable. Then, back to the first, where the last foot is DUM da, unstressed ending, which makes the rhythm faster, and I think spoils the mood. There, I've had more than my ten cents' worth. BTW, thanks for your best wishes. Come Spring, I'll be there ... |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
John, I do so appreciate your further suggestions, but when I write free verse, I am more concerned with getting the emotional feel of the piece across with a decent flow than I am concerned with meter, and emphasis. You are most likely right about the first stanza....it might be smoother with a change, but I could not find a way to say the same thing with other words. To me, these words belong (I've already warned Jim that I can be stubborn). I do appreciate the input, though, and am in no way discouraging it. I need all the help I can get. Thanks, warmhrt |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
I really liked reading this Warmhrt...though it did make me a bit sad...You have put plainly what I mask with metaphors... This was meaningful and very sentimental...my favorite kind of poem  Hawk |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
warmheart-- i really like this piece, i keep coming back to it, drawn, no doubt, by your haunting last line. very, very nice. misery now (the first line, wishing you could stay) and certain misery to come (in the last line, knowing that in the future you'll still feel this way), almost exquisite torture, brought on by self-pity -- you've captured this so beautifully here. can't tell you how many times i've felt this myself. nice work! jenni |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hawk and jenni, Thanks a lot for taking the time to read this. I don't know why, but I was very unsure about this one. Now I'm glad I posted it, and more glad that you enjoyed it. Thanks, again, warmhrt  |
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