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Critical Analysis #1
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Adolescence
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Adolescence |
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Rodeo Jones Junior Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 18San Jose, CA, USA |
Sleep nagging at my eyelids Eluded once again by love's evanescence Body craving what the mind forbids Momentary bouts of luminescence Silent suffering from within my cerebrum Lonely with what cannot be defined Obliquely spinning in my personal conundrum Glancing at a youth, that at one point shined Today is drowning in plans for tomorrow Righteously spent on fated torment Blindly passing in selfish sorrow Through the shrouds of adolescence I already resent Who does share in my eternal dull pain Another failed lover, blinded by dust From the brown barren fields which ne'er see rain Of the lightness of feeling, some call trust |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i think that this is a brilliant analysis of the adolescent years. the first stanza, better, the first line is completely beautiful and the poems continues to be so from there. i wouldn't like the use of the word cerebrum if it didn't so flowingly rhyme with conundrum Righteously spent on fated torment i don't understand what the "fated torment" is. the rest of the stanza is eloquent and clear. Who does share in my eternal dull pain Another failed lover, blinded by dust excellent!!! these two lines are the best. From the brown barren fields which ne'er see rain Of the lightness of feeling, some call trust again these lines are a little unclear to me. do you mind explaining them. beautiful poem though. one last thing, the ne'er, i think is unnecessary. i say this a lot, but it sounds too archaic. you see a lot of our comtemporaries saying "thee, thou, ye, shalt, sayeth, dost" and you worry.  great poem. |
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Rodeo Jones Junior Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 18San Jose, CA, USA |
Thanks for the critique, here are the answers to your questions... Today is drowning in plans for tomorrow Righteously spent on fated torment Line 1: Living in the future rather than the present, i.e., do this and this and this for college  Line 2: Righteously spent <= sarcastic, it isn't really righteous because...it all comes to "fated torment", i.e., it ain't gettin' any better. blinded by dust from the brown barren fields which ne'er see rain of the lightness of feeling, some call trust Really more appropriate in one line. Using a drought ridden field to describe my "love life". Here I'm kinda pondering if I'll ever be able to lift the burden off of my shoulders and tell somebody what I really want wrt love. Heh, email me if you wanna know. As for the ne'er... I put it in to keep the syllable number down a bit. I thought that line was a bit bulky, so I wanted to chop it down. Aside from it being cheesy, I don't know if it fits. Never seems a little big there. I really don't know. |
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