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The Piano Player (A Sonnet)
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The Piano Player (A Sonnet) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
A different subject this time. The Piano Player He sits there at the keyboard, looks too old, A glass of whiskey never far from hand, His fingers stiff, unsteady; he's been told "Can't play so well for that, you understand." But every key he strikes cries out "How wrong", He's paid his dues, in blood and sweat and tears, And earned more gift than most to play the song Of hope and love -- he's done it all these years. So now he works this noisy, smoke-filled room; Performs to entertain the rowdy crowd Of drunks and whores who reek of cheap perfume; He plays requests for tips, and plays too loud. He smokes and plays and drinks and dreams of fame But knows his lot forever stays the same. < !signature--> Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 12-28-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Though your name, again, does not apply I understand the sentiment (I guess I am not the only one who feels a little funny when someone calls me a "poet"). What I think you could work on most with this sonnet is the flow of the lines. Punctuation is useful (and often necessary) but too much of it or the wrong punctuation can break up a line's flow. "He sits there, at the keyboard; looks too old, A glass of whiskey never far from hand; His fingers stiff, unsteady, he's been told, 'Can't play so well for that, you understand.'" Maybe by rearranging your first quatrain you can improve the flow. "A glass of whiskey never far from hand, He sits, there, at the keyboard, looking old. 'Can't play so well for that, you understand,' [some rearranging followed by] he's been told." Just a suggestion. The first line in any poem is of greatest importance. If it is good then the reader will read the second line. This is true of any writing (and this is how I know this to be true ... my tryst into poetry being relatively short). As a whole, I enjoyed the poem. It paints a tragic (and, sadly, a too common) picture. Your couplet, I thought, was a fitting conclusion to your opening quatrain. Sad and fitting. Keep them coming, Pete. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
As I am a greenhorn at sonnet writing, I don't feel I can critique...all I can say is I liked it very much...if it puts a picture in my mind, I consider it to be good work. warmhrt P.S. You really should consider changing your forum name... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks for the replies and the help. I really don't know where this poem came from but it just seemed to suddenly fall together.  Jim, I see what you meant on the punctuation. I have corrected it at least somewhat. I feel like the slight pauses are desirable but maybe they come naturally without so many commas. As far as the flow of the lines, I have not made any changes. The first cut was more like what you suggested but it just didn't seem to convey the message I intended. To me, the current "..., looks too old" has a slightly different connotation than "... looking old." A slight difference, granted, but I wanted it to say he looks older than he should or really is, not just that he looks old. I also originally considered reordering the initial lines but again this seemed to change the meaning or message. This is a poem about a very plain guy and it seemed to need a relatively plain start as opposed to something more heroic or grand. It would seem that your reasoning somewhat followed mine. Perhaps, as you suggested, we are fellow "left-brainers." But perhaps, also, this is not entirely bad. Anyway, after considering your excellent advice, I think I want to leave the wording as-is. What I wonder now is where is Trevor to complain about a couple of rather obvious cliches. Thanks all. Pete |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry, I pressed the Submit button twice. This was just a copy of the previous one.   [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 12-28-1999).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
This does read much better, Pete. Good revisions. (I left a note for you under "My Autistic Son", btw) < !signature-->Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-28-1999).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Good sonnet, I liked the subject matter and thought you ended it well. I wish I had read it before the editing but it seems good and solid the way you have it now. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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lily Junior Member
since 1999-12-27
Posts 16united states |
i liked this except for the blood sweat and tears part. that seems cliche |
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Astraea Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 378California! Yeah! Okay, I'm done now |
I love the piano. So this one strikes a cord inside. Very lovely. ~Astraea "Sometimes stars can only be seen in darkness." "Sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things." |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i like the imagery, but i agree about the blood sweat and tears part. i particularly the unchanging of the man. the way that he dreams, but never achieves, because he knows his place. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Lily and Roxane, Notice that both of you read the original line ". . . blood and sweat and tears" as ". . . blood sweat and tears" This is exactly the interpretation I intended by using that "cliche." Blood Sweat and Tears was one of the most talented groups, in my opinion. And although their lot has probably not been as tragic as my Piano Player, they are still around but they are certainly no longer at the top. Instead, they play state fairs and amusement parks and such. Many years ago, a friend of mine played piano for them for a short time. The bottom line is I deliberately included that almost reference. And thank you for being the first to notice, or at least mention it. Pete |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
"And when I die And when I'm gone ..." Nice stuff, Pete. I could see Billy Joel's Piano Man a few years down the track. About the obsession with avoiding cliches, they sometimes do the job better than some stilted attempt to be "original". |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Loved it man, the imagery, the flow, the whole lot. Wonderful. |
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