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Another Session
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Another Session |
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Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Another Session Plastic, and wires, are replaced with an image of a dark, strong face, grey, smokey pools of desire, and a strong body. Brown eyes closed, teeth tasting softness, a slender hand carressing a sleek thigh, heat burns cheeks rosey. A husky voice, soft, and sensual, comes deep from a tanned throat, breathless groans are finally released. An arched back, a throaty moan, panting breath, trembling hands, a tongue tasting lonely bruised lips. A final sigh, raw sensitive skin, flushed in heat, a crumpling body, a lonely tear, another session ending. Bright lights interfear, reality becomes insistant, a solitary sigh escapes, a loud click, an unforgotten dial tone. --I don't know if you all will like this one or not? I don't know. Ummm...(Blushing) Misty [This message has been edited by Misty_Skies (edited 12-22-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Misty_Skies - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
It sounds good to me. Except some lines don't lead to the next, so you might want to add some extra dialouge. Some lines kind of contradict each other, but I got your message and I think you did a good job. --A Little Fairy-- |
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Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Lil' Fairy, Hey there, thanks! I just came up with it... Not very many people like what I've written lately. This one actually is how I felt. Yes, I see that I need to add more...Thanks! I'll redo it, and I hope that you will get back to me when I do, and tell me what you think of the changes... *Smiling* Misty |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
I love the concept...I would break the lines differently to hone and sharpen the mood... The C&C below is offered only with respect...Take it or leave it as you see fit... "Plastic and wires Replaced with an image A dark Strong face Grey smokey pools Desire Brown eyes closed Teeth tasting softness A slender hand carressing a sleek thigh Heat burns cheeks rosey. Husky A voice soft sensual deep from a tanned throat Breathless Groans released. An arched back a throaty moan panting breath trembling Hands Tongue tasting lonely bruised lips A final sigh Raw sensitive skin flushed crumpling a lonely tear Another session Finished Bright lights interfear Reality becomes insistant a solitary sigh escapes a loud click an unforgotten dial tone." I offer tightening here to move the verse along with the obvious passion. If you like it, Its yours... [This message has been edited by haze (edited 12-24-1999).] |
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manalive325 Junior Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 21 |
your words do well drawing me into your experience....I feel the desire, image forming....and loneliness at the end. So, that is success. I also think some phrasing work as haze suggests would enhance the read. We get in the habbit of speed reading....the line breaks force the mind to pause and ponder, which is needed to feel. I enjoyed this....keep writing [This message has been edited by manalive325 (edited 12-24-1999).] |
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Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Haze, and Manalive, Thanks for your insights, yeah, I just tried actually letting people know how I feel in my poetry, if you noticed in my others, they didn't. So that was what I was doing...(Cringing) I, well, I just never have done that before...Thanks for what you said, and I'm gonna work on this one, and try another. *Winking* Thanks! Misty |
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