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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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deannamarie Junior Member
since 1999-07-26
Posts 43WI |
What do you think for revisions or even a name for this poem? Sometimes I don't feel you're giving all you've got show me something either way and I'll know if I should stop I'm begging to get closer but something pushes me back I want to belive what you say but something seems to lack Sometimes it seems to me you don't see me pulling you near All these things I want to say But I know I'll never tell You say I'm the one you want but you didn't notice I fell Somehow you need to show becasue your love is hard to see oh, yes, I know that you care but you mean much more to me I don't think you understand exactly what I'm trying to say just tell me we're both here and I promise I'll never stray [This message has been edited by deannamarie (edited 07-28-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 deannamarie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JP Senior Member
since 1999-05-25
Posts 1343Loomis, CA |
Hmmm, I'm not sure what to say...... I want to be positive in my comments, but I think perhaps this is too cliche. I understand the sentiment and I can see a lot of work went into the rhyme. I think it could be better, with a bit more creativity in the construct. ------------------ Dum spiro, spero JP |
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angel girl Member
since 1999-07-23
Posts 322within a whisper... |
I thought this work was good, but i have one thing to say. I personally think you shouldn't have repeated: "I want to belive what you say but something seems to lack" It would have been better left said just once. ------------------ The world is in your hands; it is what you make of it. keep on chuggin' |
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angel girl Member
since 1999-07-23
Posts 322within a whisper... |
This is a great idea, but how are these for a few ideas? 1.) Show a Little More 2.) I Want to Believe 3.) Do You Really Love Me? 4.) It's Hard to Believe What You're Saying 5.) I Don't Understand ------------------ The world is in your hands; it is what you make of it. keep on chuggin' |
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deannamarie Junior Member
since 1999-07-26
Posts 43WI |
Oops, I didn't realize I repeated that one statement twice. That's not supposed to be there. Thanks for all your comments. Deanna I fixed the repeated statement. [This message has been edited by deannamarie (edited 07-28-99).] |
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