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A Perfect World
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Perfect World |
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thunderstruck9 Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 11 |
I'm reading a book, my back against a tree. It's a perfect day when a voice comes to me. "He's still unconscience, it doesn't look too good." I'm all alone, maybe someones in the wood. I get up to see, everything fades black. In a field of flowers, no colors do lack. I remember nothing, it's a lovely day. I'm picking flowers when I hear someone say. "He's too far gone, you'd be doing a favor." A beautiful day, enjoying the flavor, A freshly picked apple found without trying. I hear muffled sounds of a woman crying. Painting a picture, it's a boat, it's a tug. I hear it said "It's over now, pull the plug." Another perfect day, I'm in my own park. I understand it now as my world goes dark.  Yes, I like poems that rhyme. ------------------ From the darkness arose a man. |
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| © Copyright 1999 thunderstruck9 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You've done a good job putting a person in the place of getting by day by day, when dealing with a crisis. I speak from experience. "Unconscience" should be "Unconscious" "someones" should be "someone's". Other than those two suggestions, I found it to be very comforting to know that one is not alone in the world, even at times like this, when you feel you are. I enjoyed this. Thank you. ------------------ Sunshine Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I admit the couplets here give the poem a certain ironic feel but 'tug/plug' seems too forced. I would also say that you need to clean up your meter to create a better flow, a better rhythm. It's hard for me to picture what's happening; is the park some final just before death fantasy and all the action in the poem is in your head? I would think about trying to make that clearer. Also, I would think about trying to show some motivation for the speaker's dilemma. What brings him here? I admit I'm not a big fan of suicide poems; they seem to lack a certain tension and almost always a sort of calm inevitability to the situation which does not work in your favor when attracting readers. Just an opinion, Brad |
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thunderstruck9 Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 11 |
It's not about suicide. It's a guy that was in some kind accident. He's in a coma and going down. But in his mind he's in paradise. He's hearing voices from family in his hospital room. I admit the lines about the tug & the plug kinda, well, suck. I wanted a line with the decision to let him go, and I couldn't get the word "plug" out of my head. I'll try to improve those two lines later. Thanks for your & Sunshines' thoughts.  < !signature-->From the darkness arose a man. [This message has been edited by thunderstruck9 (edited 12-08-1999).] |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
Oh man! These dreams happen to others too. I went through the same experience, except my wife kept them from pulling the plug on me. And when I returned to reality she stood there smiling at me... Thanks for reminding me of that event, my friend. I share Brad's view on rhyme and rhythm here, though. Willem |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, I guess this is a classic example of how expectation in reading can lead you in the wrong direction. Instead of thinking that it wasn't a suicide poem, I just said it didn't make any sense -- boy, that was stupid. I should have tried to reread it with a less narrow mind. Hey, nobody's perfect. That said, I still think you could try to show some tension to increase the overall effect. thanks, Brad |
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