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When You Wake Up, Daddy Will Be Home (Revised)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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When You Wake Up, Daddy Will Be Home (Revised) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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"When you wake up, Daddy will be home." That night Excited little boys Fought sleep. My heart ached As I watched my oldest Drift to sleep. Flashing lights Of his musical toy Shown colorfully against the wall, Then ceased. His breathing steadied. I reached out to touch his Smooth cheek Soft hair One Last Time Then left the room. My littlest one, Fast asleep, Was lying On his stomach, In his crib Head on his favorite pillow, A pacifier clutched in each hand. Dreaming, He kicked his legs, Rolled to his side, Dropped a pacifier On the floor And began to cry. I placed the pacifier, Back in his little hand, And for a moment My own hand Lingered In his. The telephone rang My wife, Disoriented, Stumbled toward the sound, Found the telephone, Her sweet, familiar voice answered, "Hello?" A silent pause A single tear Traced its lonely path Down her face. I stepped close, Rested my head against hers And for a moment Held her close to me. Then I turned and walked away, Into darkness Then to light. Behind me I heard a baby cry A toddler's little feet Pattering Toward mommy’s room. Daddy wasn't coming home. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-08-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i liked this one much better, sweet and sad, plus you didn't give away where daddy was until the end.... good effect.  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I agree with Roxanne; this poem creates the same effect as a recent film with Bruce Willis (that's not a cut; I enjoyed the film). But, hmmmm, what's missing here? Personally, I think this poem is certainly above the average but I wonder if you might try to prune it a bit and try to get the language more concentrated. I think it would be even better. Am I making any sense? Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I made a few minor changes (prunings) and hope I didn't prune any substance (kinda tricky sometimes). This one wasn't inspired by the recent Bruce Willis film but I appreciate your thinking it creates the same effect (it was a good movie). It was actually inspired by a music video (of all things). I made some changes and added the kids. What can I say? There is nothing new under the sun!  Thanks again for the comments. Jim |
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Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
This poem had alot of imagry and I liked it very much, but I have to kinda side with Brad for a minute. There is something missing but I can't figure out what. Otherwise It was an awesome poem. --A Little Fairy-- |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
In two words Very Nice. I liked it a bunch, but then again anything where children are concerned stirs my heart. I am very knew to this and all of you and by far I have no merit to criticize anyones work, so for now I will enjoy reading and quick comments once in awhile! Chow, jbouder |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks Joanna ... I almost forgot I wrote this.  I think this is one of only three of my attempts at free-verse. Thanks for digging it up. (Now I suppose I'm obligated to try to fix this ... thanks!  )Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-07-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jim, I was drawn in by the concept in this poem, and liked much of the wording, but I feel it needs a bit more elaboration on the emotional side of the piece. Also, you write it in a prosaic style, and I feel it would have more impact written differently. Here goes, Jimbo, to take or leave, only my humble opinion. "When you wake up, Daddy will be home". My boys bounced and whooped, The oldest stayed awake long past his bedtime. My heart ached, As I watched him reluctantly give in to sleep, the lighted toy he held tightly made patterns on the wall, that faded to nothing, as his breathing fell into a steady rhythm. I reached out, touched the tenderness of his cheek, and felt his soft, fine hair, One last time. My little one, Fast asleep on his tummy, Head on his beloved pillow, had pacifiers clutched in each tiny fist, With a kick of his legs, he rolled to his side, and one of the pacifiers fell to the floor. I picked it up, placed it back in his chubby little fingers, And, for a moment, my hand lingered over his. I heard a phone ring, Disoriented, my wife stumbled toward the sound, and upon reaching the phone, Her sweet, familiar voice answered, "Hello?" A silent pause, then, A single tear traced a pathway down her face. And I stepped close to her, rested my head against hers, and, silently, and for but a moment, held her close to me. Then, I turned, and walked away, into the darkness, yet again to light, as behind I heard a baby's cry, and a toddler's little feet on their way to mommy's room. Daddy wasn't coming home. As you can see, I made quite a few changes. I thought there were a few cliched phrases, and some tense differences. I fixed those, along with trying to add a bit more feeling. (Actually, I'm just attempting to end Trevor's ranting and knew you could handle this...don't tell him) Anyway, I liked the piece for the most part, and it was written in your style of writing. I'm not suggesting you adopt another style for free verse, but the placemnt of words and phrases in this type of writing can be very important. Kris "If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,... I shall not live in vain" - Emily Dickinson |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jim, Well I guess Kris said most of what I wanted to say. No I wasn't going to rewrite it like she did but I mostly had the same problems with it. It has a wonderful sentimemtal feel and you show the picture brightly. But it seems a little dry, emotionally, in places. For example "That night they were very excited, the oldest staying awake until 10 O'clock." just sounds to much like prose or an essay. The next stanza I like a lot "My heart ached as I watched him drift to sleep, the flashing lights of his musical toy casting shadows on the wall, then ceasing as his breathing steadied." The only thing I don't like here is the word "ceasing", just seems like some substitute might fit the mood better. The next 3 stanzas are fine but the one after them "The phone rang and my wife, disoriented, stumbled toward the sound,found the phone, and answered in her sweet, familiar voice." maybe if you gave me a clue why she was disoriented it would read alright but, as is, it just seems a harsh word. The rest of it reads pretty good. I can see you are way ahead of me on this free verse thing. I know Kris has made quite a few changes and I haven't read her comments yet as I didn't want to be biased or just echo her thoughts. But, I know she is pretty darned good at this stuff. Well, I really did enjoy your 3rd attempt. Keep up the good work but don't completely give up sonnets. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks Pete & Kris. This was actually my second free-verse poem I've posted (posted it back in early December and Joanna resurrected it). Thanks for the suggestions. Let me know what you think of the revisions. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
WOW! I really liked this revision. Truly, Jim, you did a very good job with it, in my opinion. I especially liked the "lonely tear", and "excited little boys fought sleep". Still don't care for the lighted toy casting shadows...lights don't cast shadows, they cause them. Also I would make the third and fourth stanzas into one, as I would the fifth, sixth and seventh, for a bit more cohesiveness. You're doing a great job, Jim. Before you know it, free verse will become your preferred writing style. Kris "If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,... I shall not live in vain" - Emily Dickinson |
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sirreen Junior Member
since 2000-01-16
Posts 19OR, USA |
Now I see why you panned "Peripheral Vision of the Mind." I guess I just don't know poetry. sirreen "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds" Albert Einstein |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Joanna, When you have the time, don't suppose you might e-mail me. I like what you're doing. Brad |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Hello Brad, Looked u up on the profile, could'nt find your e-mail address. Is there another place I should be looking? Joanna T. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Joanna: Go to the main Critical Analysis page and click on "Brad" at the top of the page. This will allow you to email him. And what does this thread look like folks, a chat room? Neither of you even said "Hi" ... geeze ... no respect. Jim |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
HI! jbouder, and a wonderful good morning to you. By the way what is our time difference? It's going on 9:04 on my side. I think I dug up another oldy by: Not A Poet, Whew! you guys can really whip it out! Thanks for the e-mail info and if I had known you were around and about I would have said Hello jbouder (are we "feeling" sensitive this morning?) Hasta Leugo, Joanna T. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hello Joanna: I'm always moody so don't mind me. It's 11:21 in snowy PA. Thanks for your concern but I'll be fine after my nap. Hasta pronto, Jim P.S. You can call me "Jim". |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
What am I missin' here ... some fun and games .. heh heh Joanna .. he's ALWAYS moody .. usually fairly harmless tho. Thanks for bringing this back up to the top btw .. I missed it first time round ... now then at risk of incurring Trevor's wrath I'll just say: "Great poem Jim" ........... now then was that tooooooooooo painful ....lol bfn Philip |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jim-- quite a beautiful piece. from what i remember of my one quick read of the old version, this was a great improvement. i'd lose the ellipses in "One / Last / Time", they're not necessary and a little distracting. i really like "excited little boys / fought sleep" at the beginning of the piece, it really has a nice resonance at the end, with everyone awake and disturbed by the telephone call, especially if you read it as the police or someone called, daddy has died and will NEVER be coming home; the boys then might be said to be fighting 'the sleep of death'. even if you read it as daddy simply can't make it home tonight, he's snowed in at o'hare or something (stuck in a waffle house in richmond, say), i think it goes a long way to creating a subtle tension throughout the piece. (and i think the fact that there are these different ways of viewing the piece is wonderful, btw, lol.) the lines: A silent pause A single tear Traced its lonely path Down her face. are really touching in their understated simplicity, much more effective, i think, than if you had described it more fully, and certainly perfectly in keeping with the tone overall. very, very nice, jim. anyway, i wouldn't change a word here, except maybe the flashing toy thing that kris is talking about, she's right about light not casting shadows, lol. oh, i also think she may have a really good point about consolidating the stanzas dealing with each sleeping boy (though having the stanzas divided like you have them may add to that lingering feeling, i don't know); give her suggestion a try, and see if you like it. (nice suggestions, btw, kris!) beautifully done, jim, thanks; and joanne, thank you! this was originally posted when i was away for a while and i missed it, glad i got a chance to read it. jenni p.s.: now, see, that wasn't so bad, was it jim...why do you think i always hate your poems? lol [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 02-08-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: Thanks for the kick in the pants I needed to revise this. I tend to procrastinate such things. Don't hold your breath concerning my preferred poetic format, however. I don't want you to pass out. I'm glad you liked the revisions. Now I'll work on the tweaks.Sireen: I'm not 100% certain I understand what you mean. Are you referring to my critique of "Ancillary Beliefs"? I hope you didn't take offense. My point then was, and remains, that simplicity is not a necessary casualty of good poetry. Thanks for reading this. Philip: That's all I get? A mere slap on the back and a "good job Jim lad"?  Just kidding, of course. Glad you liked it.Jenni: Why do I keep looking over my shoulder when you are nice to me? Seriously, I'm glad you liked this little display of emotive manipulation. Okay so that wasn't COMPLETELY serious but what do you expect from me, really? Thanks everyone. Now back to tweaking.< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 02-08-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Super Job Poet Gym! |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
To prevent bias, i’m writing b4 i read other comments. I’m sorry if i repeat anything or miss the point completely. i found it a bit too sentimental. Are you the stepfather? i suppose you must be. but then why will daddy be "home"? you seemed to know, even b4 they went to sleep he wouldn't be coming, "Heart ached" etc - so why did you tell them he was coming, why not surprise them? "When you wake up, Daddy will be home." "Daddy"!! - i suppose at least we know what we're in for from the first lines! "That night Excited little boys Fought sleep." could you say it in a more interesting way? Maybe say what they were doing to fight it? "My heart ached" there has to be something you could replace this with. "As I watched my oldest Drift to sleep. Flashing lights Of his musical toy Shown colorfully against the wall, Then ceased." i know this toy. the description seemed a bit pedestrian. "shown" doesn't go with "then ceased". maybe "danced" or "jumped" or something. "His breathing steadied. I reached out to touch his Smooth cheek Soft hair One Last Time Then left the room." i know this moment. why put the words on their own lines? to stretch out the moment? are you losing the kids? i couldn't work out what you were so emotional about. "My littlest one, Fast asleep, Was lying On his stomach, In his crib " i find "my littlest one" again too sentimental. maybe if you stood back a little and let the events speak for themselves it would be more effective. "The youngest..." "Head on his favorite pillow," how many pillows do infants have? "A pacifier clutched in each hand. Dreaming, He kicked his legs, Rolled to his side, Dropped a pacifier On the floor And began to cry." OK but again a bit pedestrian. "I placed the pacifier, Back in his little hand," "little" - too much. "And for a moment My own hand Lingered In his." Lingered. "The telephone rang My wife, Disoriented, Stumbled toward the sound, Found the telephone, " my favourite verse, i think. i assume she was asleep. "Her sweet, familiar voice answered, " this threw me, i was wondering were you the father in another house etc. ? but no, it still seems as if you must be the stepfather. why do you need to say your wife's voice is familiar? ""Hello?" A silent pause A single tear Traced its lonely path Down her face. " get the picture but oh so sentimental! maybe this is a take on sentimental poetry?? "I stepped close, Rested my head against hers And for a moment Held her close to me." nothing new here. "Then I turned and walked away, Into darkness Then to light." bit clumsy "Behind me I heard a baby cry A toddler's little feet Pattering Toward mommy’s room. Daddy wasn't coming home." Oh Oh Oh the sentimentality. pattering isn't a very original description of toddler's footsteps. I'm sorry this has been a rather negative comment. i can see you're a sensitive guy and feel these things, but as i said b4, sometimes a less emotive poem, with the speaker's feelings more in the background, the "picture itself" more in the foreground, can actually express the emotions more strongly. It can let the reader have the feelings for himself. thanks, carolyn. |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
just read the other comments and i'm still confused about the actual "plot" of the poem. are you the daddy who won't be home cos they're going to mum's room? who's on the phone? i think i need to sleep! thanks, carolyn. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Carolyn: Thanks for replying. I wrote this and posted it several months ago as a little experiment in free-verse (I rarely write free-verse)and I chose the sentimental/emotive response approach as as a medium for my practice. Joanna resurrected this recently so I was forced to revise it to prevent undue embarressment. I agree that the sentimentality was pushed a little bit in places but you may understand why after I explain. "Are you the stepfather? i suppose you must be. but then why will daddy be 'home'?" No. This is a work of fiction. I used my real life wife and kids to help me evoke the emotions/sentimentality I was describing but, besides that, and resemblance of people or places described in this poem is purely coincidental. The first line (in quotations) is the wife/mother speaking to the children. The father is evidently away. Where? It doesn't matter."you seemed to know, even b4 they went to sleep he wouldn't be coming, 'Heart ached' etc - so why did you tell them he was coming, why not surprise them?" The "you" you mention is the father ... at least it is the father's soul or spirit visiting post-mortem. Coming home was not meant to be the surprise ... the untimely death of the father WAS, in fact, the surprise. "'Daddy'!! - i suppose at least we know what we're in for from the first lines!" LOL. Keep in mind that this is a mother's dialogue with her children. "His breathing steadied. I reached out to touch his Smooth cheek Soft hair One Last Time Then left the room." "i know this moment. why put the words on their own lines? to stretch out the moment? are you losing the kids? i couldn't work out what you were so emotional about." Yes, to stretch out the moment. I'm not (this is fiction). But the kids are losing their father. And you were not supposed to be able to work it out yet. You haven't finished the poem. "i find 'my littlest one' again too sentimental. maybe if you stood back a little and let the events speak for themselves it would be more effective. 'The youngest..." I think "The youngest ..." is too prosaic. And, for better or for worse, this is a drippy, icky, sentimental piece. "how many pillows do infants have?" Three. "I placed the pacifier, Back in his little hand," "'little' - too much." Maybe. Let me think about it. "this threw me, i was wondering were you the father in another house etc. ? but no, it still seems as if you must be the stepfather. why do you need to say your wife's voice is familiar?" LOL. "'Hello?' A silent pause A single tear Traced its lonely path Down her face. " "get the picture but oh so sentimental! maybe this is a take on sentimental poetry??" Again, LOL. I suppose it could be a take on sentimental poetry. I wrote this to tug on heart-strings and manipulate emotions (shameless, isn't it?). It was practice and it was fiction and YES it was overdone. "Oh Oh Oh the sentimentality." Your killing me here! "I'm sorry this has been a rather negative comment." Don't be sorry. I would have said many of the same things about this as you did. "i can see you're a sensitive guy and feel these things," LOL. Just don't let it get out. "but as i said b4, sometimes a less emotive poem, with the speaker's feelings more in the background, the "picture itself" more in the foreground, can actually express the emotions more strongly. It can let the reader have the feelings for himself." I couldn't agree with you more. This is a rather poor piece, in my opinion. It's unedited form was more prosaic (and probably would have been more to your liking) than this whittled down "free-verse" format. I think I've done much better in virtually everything else I've written and, for the life of me, can't figure out why THIS thing resurfaced. If I wanted to communicate sentiment I would be much more subtle. I wanted to manipulate emotions with this one and, to a degree, I think I was successful in doing that. Does that make me evil? Thanks for your honest response. Now I'm off to check my other posts of the past that may be embarressing and delete them. Later. Jim |
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carolyn smale Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 20australia |
thank you! now i see what it was about. i think i needed a clue, blimey! it was emotive and that is no crime, as you say - i have a little one ( she has no pillows!). i haven't seen your other poems, but imagine, as you say, this isn't one of your best. sorry now it's up the top again - my last comment on it. thanks, carolyn |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Easy now jbouder, Trying to hurt ones feelings are we? ha!ha! The only reason THIS thing resurfaced twas a fellow writer was only curious to read a piece of the moderators work, hey! how was I supposed to know it would bring it back up to the top? (oops) I did it again huh? (sad smiley face along w/a smiley face w/a wink inserted at this time, I'm still trying to figure out how to retrieve those cute little icons). Actually I think your just a bit upset cause it put you to work, had to use the ole sentimental side of the tanoggin did we now? (smiley face w/a grin inserted). I have to admit that duh, I did'nt get the jest of the father being in spirit till you explained it in your last reply. After reading the revision, 2nd to the last stanza was a dead give away, no pun intended. "Then I turned and walked away into darkness then to light" I have never done this before jbouder and I may be totally out of line here so hang w/me k! perhaps something like, "turning away towards darkness then into the light" or, perhaps "turning towards darkness then into the light" or, "turning,walking towards darkness then into the light" just my thoughts on this jbouder, had to do this before you delete this one too! I liked it, but I was a bit confused. Sincerely, Joanna T. [This message has been edited by Joanna T. Lopez (edited 02-11-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks ladies. LOL. I think if this one is to take much more of my time in the future it will have to be as prose. It is a little bit of a tired story line so I have my doubts. But this was more of an excercise than anything else. Please, Joanna, take no offense when I say "I can't figure out how THIS one was resurrected." I chuckle as I write this because I am sure this is far from being the best of my work. Thanks for the replies, both of you. You can learn how to do the icons thing in the "HELP" section of Passionate Forums index page. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Jbouder, no offense taken, I was just giving you a hard time being the sensitive person you are. Thanks for the icon Help, hasta luego and have a grand day, you deserve one! Chow, Joanna T. |
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faith Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 89 |
Hey that was good ..simple yet painful!faith |
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Joanna T. Lopez Junior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 33El Paso, Texas |
Ah! Jim it is and forgive my ignorance and please accept my apologies, for I am a mother also. I will miss jbouder it has such a unique ring to it, as Jim rings just as nice. Hasta la manyana Jim, Sincerely, Joanna T. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
One question, Jimteach. This has been plaguing me ever since I first read this. How was such a sensitive, loving husband and father able to disengage himself enough from his feelings of attachment to write a piece such as this? I don't think most people (poets) would be capable of accomplishing such a feat. Just wondering, Grasshoppa Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season ~ T.S. Eliot |
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