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Critical Analysis #1
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First attempt at a sonnet, feel free to butcher it.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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First attempt at a sonnet, feel free to butcher it. |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
We danced that night, under a killing moon. Inconstant love was our only lament. In our hearts we knew that dawn comes too soon. Desperation was all too apparent. Did I truly tire of this world's demands? Eyes shining, she asks if I can do it. She put the cold steel into my hands. If you love me, she said, you would prove it. I put the gun to the side of her head. Smiling for me, she looked up with a sigh. I pulled the trigger and knew she was dead. I watched the light of life dim in her eye. Now I run from myself desperately. I had not the strength to turn it on me. ©1999 DreamEvil ------------------ Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings? DreamEvil© |
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| © Copyright 1999 DreamEvil - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Daniel2 Junior Member
since 1999-07-13
Posts 28Waterloo, Ontario, Canada |
I don't think this needs buthchering.Technically,it's a polished feat. The despair is palpable! One suggestion re: I pulled the trigger and knew she was dead. I watched the light of life dim in her eye. Eithter change the method of execution or the 2nd line there. When a person gets their brains blown out, their eyes don't slowly dim. A little macabre for my taste. |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Okay, try this. Her life I snuffed in the blink of an eye. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hey there, Dream. First of all, let me say I think it is excellent. The idea is good and the last two lines are perfection indeed. Technically. if you don't mind (and obviously you don't or you wouldn't have posted here) I would like to make some suggestions. (1) The rhyme of the second and fourth lines have the accents in the wrong place...lament, with the accent on the last....and apparent, with the accent on the second. Written down, they look like rhyming words but , spoken, 'ment' actually goes with 'pare' unless you want to put the accent on 'ment' which wouldn't sound very good. (2) The tenses are garbled. In our hearts we knew that dawn comes too soon....(If you are making a philosophical statement that dawn comes too soon, it's ok but, if you are refering to the fact that the deed needs to be done quickly because dawn would be coming soon, then it doesn't work) She asks if I can do it....If you love me, she said, you would prove it (both in the same stanza) That's all I can see. I hope the is worthy.suggestions may be of some help or feel free to disregard them at your will. Your poetry is worthy, indeed. [This message has been edited by Balladeer (edited 07-26-99).] |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Thank you for the comments, my friend. I see what you mean about the accents of those lines. Will try to be more aware of that. For the other, it was indeed a philosophical comment on the shortness of their love and life in general. Lastly, how about changing "would" to "could", to make it present tense? ------------------ Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings? DreamEvil© [This message has been edited by DreamEvil (edited 07-26-99).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Since most of the poem is in past tense "she asked if I could do it" would handle it very nicely. |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Dream Man. That was some story! With respect to changing from "would" to "could." It seems another choice might be to use "should." My reasoning is that you have already voiced second thoughts about ending your life - that maybe the demands of life were not as extreme as you had thought - Now, your loved one places the gun in your hand, and tells you to end it. Her request seems more of a final demand, "If you love me.... prove it." 'Should' seems to be more forceful in that light. Quotes around her statement would be a little more grammatically correct, and would help highlight her complicity in the story. Finally, run like Hell if you ever meet somebody like that - lol. |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
You just have. Good suggestion, though. |
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Verdeckter Eindringling New Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 2Berlin, Germany |
Geist des Quecksilbers Freddy kommt zurück und zerstört Sie für das Verwenden seiner Ideen in einem SONNET!!! |
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