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Still, after you
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Still, after you |
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lesley walker New Member
since 1999-11-23
Posts 2new zealand |
Of course,I'm not very nervous about posting poetry for the first time. I'm pretty sure that the keyboard isn't going to bite my hand off once I press the submit key. I am mostly convinced that some incredibly intelligent and amazingly talented poet from the 'really important poetry place' isn't going to suggest I should crawl back under my pathetic no-talent rock (hopefully). So I'm quite calm about the whole experience. As you can see. Despite this, be honest, tell me what you think (really!) Still, after you Lonely is an empty space so empty is a lonely place The sun sets in my hollow mind the day forgets and time unwinds Anything often is enough to cry in my sleep If... then... else... the awfulness in thinking watching me weep I feel it sadness makes me taste it I know it see, I promise to face it A beautiful strange grief tomorrow again it seems I’ll see you I’ll see you in my dreams |
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| © Copyright 1999 lesley walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
I am proved once again more dullard than intelligent poet, I've removed my original post which jenni believed could have been misleading. I will in future keep my fools thoughts securely under wraps and leave the critiquing to real poets.  These are only my opinions and subject to change at will (especially yours and jenni's)! Great name btw Craig Walker ------------------ Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. [This message has been edited by Craig (edited 11-24-1999).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
craig, please don't mislead her. meter is NOT simply the number of syllables per line. meter is: the number of stressed or accented words or syllables in a line, AND the recurring pattern of unstressed syllables between the stressed or accented sounds. you have to have BOTH to have meter. tetrameter doesn't mean 8 syllables per line... it means that there are four stressed syllables in the line. a poem's meter is never simply "tetrameter;" that tells you only half the story. it will be SOMETHING tetrameter... iambic tetrameter, trochaic tetrameter, etc., according to the pattern of the stressed or accented syllables. the number of syllables is irrelevant. i think there's a posting somewhere in one of the discussion forums about this, but any good english lit book should cover this as well. craig, i really like your poetry out here (the one you wrote about dylan thomas was simply incredible), please don't think i'm attacking you. this has just become a little pet peeve of mine, that's all. anyway, lesley, i liked your poem! lol and i don't think you need any kind of formal meter here, it works better in free verse, i think. your last four lines, especially, i thought were quite good. "anything often is enough to cry in my sleep" is a little awkward perhaps...are you saying that often times, just about anything will make you cry in your sleep? or anything happening often will make you cry? you mean the former, i assume, but your nice, easy flowing style (which i really like!) hits a little bump there, in my opinion. i would lose the first two lines, too, they're a bit of a cliche, and "the sun sets in the hollow of my mind" is such a beautiful turn of phrase, perfectly setting your tone here, that it works really well as an opener. thanks for posting this, and i hope to see more of your work in the future! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I just wanted to comment on your opening introduction which I loved. No one here can tell you to crawl back under anywhere. I've said this before and I'll say it again: no one poem is an indicator of a person's talent (whatever that is) -- if you're looking for someone to tell you have talent, probably the wrong place to be. I honestly try to look at each poem individually (although I think I'm tougher on poets who have already written poems that I like). A lot of what I say depends on the mood I'm in and, of course, my own experience so the last thing I would ever call myself is objective. We all have opinions; the only difference here is, I hope, that we encourage being a little more critical, a little more honest. Try to remember that people are talking about one poem, not your poetic gifts and in a whacky kind of way, every time I dislike a poem, I tell the poet that, not because I want them to stop writing, but because I want them to write a new one or rewrite the one already here. There is perhaps a point when you first start writing where such a process can turn you off to writing but my guess would be that you would stop anyway (just a little later). If you're already past that stage: say a movement from "I think I write poetry" or "I want to write poetry" to "This is what I do" any individual comment, positive or negative, doesn't effect your personal sense of self. Or, it shouldn't anyway. One more thing to keep in mind: Nobody likes a poem as much as they say they do and nobody dislikes a poem as much as they say they do. It seems to be a problem with the process itself that people will always move to extremes when talking about art. I know I have that problem. Okay, I'll try to get to the poem later. Thanks, Brad |
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