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Fallen
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Fallen |
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thunderstruck9 Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 11 |
Standing there, quivering and shaking. What is wrong with me? My knees are locked, my tongue is tied. What is wrong with me? I'm lightheaded, I've got the butterflies. What is wrong with me? Looking down, I can not look up. What is wrong with me? I've talked to her, so many times before. What is wrong with me? When I work up the courage to look at her, I know what is wrong with me. I have fallen. ------------------ From the darkness arose a man. |
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| © Copyright 1999 thunderstruck9 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
thunderstruck-- very cute poem! i liked it.  |
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thunderstruck9 Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 11 |
Thanks, jenni  ------------------ From the darkness arose a man. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I was a bit diappointed with this one because I see so much potential with the word 'fallen'. Why not create a situation that has someone actually tripping as they 'fall in love' -- Joyce does this all the time and I love when you can play on the literal and idiomatic usages of a word at the same time. Also, I think the repetition is too strong for such a short poem; I felt a little cheated that you didn't give me something more. But what do I know? Brad |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I wanted to add the lines...and I can't get up to the end. I agree with Brad, this poem has great potential, but falls short of it. Build on what you have. Repetition works well in a poem, but not in one so short and not when placed so close together. Here's an example of using the repitition, but still breaking it up....mind you, the lines are really impromptu Standing there, quivering and shaking. My knees are locked, my tongue is tied. I'm lightheaded, I've got the butterflies. What is wrong with me? My palms are sweety, my voice is choked. I find it hard to even breath. Looking down, I can not look up. What's wrong with me? I've talked to her, so many times before. When I work up the courage to look at her, I know what is wrong with me. I have fallen. |
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thunderstruck9 Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 11 |
Thanks the advice and ideas guys, I appreciate it. You'll all turn me into a decent poet before it's over. ------------------ From the darkness arose a man. |
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