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Contemplative; A Girl, Few Days After Her Birthday
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Contemplative; A Girl, Few Days After Her Birthday |
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ChinaDoll New Member
since 1999-11-06
Posts 2rowland heights, ca USA |
Contemplative; A Girl, Few Days After Her Birthday Prologue Today I sit here in all of my nakedness No super brand name make-up, Hair unclean and unkempt. I’m driving down the street alone And I suddenly thought, Wow. You’re eighteen now. What am I going to do? I look in the mirror and I see Ugliness. I avoid the mirror. Please don’t look at me I say silently to all the drivers around me. I hide behind my apathy. Perhaps, lets start from the beginning. The days before my birthday, I panicked and fretted. The day that I looked forward to Since I was a wee child was finally here. The special day was finally here, Yet I did not feel special. Nothings changed. Bewilderment and anger filled my heavy heart. I felt more like Holden than ever. All my dreams and hopes came crashing down. I do not feel beautiful like She does. Nor do I feel glamorous and confident. That’s what I wanted, that’s what I still want. Is there anything wrong with that, Mister? Am I shallow and superficial? I hope not, but I know I am. Birthday October twenty-ninth. The day was here And I was in my Halloween costume. How appropriate, I thought bitterly. I was surrounded with meaningless balloons. They now sit deflated in my garage. The day was tiring. Precious gifts were given to me from mother and aunt. Daddy, where’s your present? Feelings of gratitude won me over. I sat smiling in the midst of it all. It was a genuine smile. I promise it was. Yes I was immature. Still possible might be. But unkept fantasies are a horrible thing. They eat away at your spirit and soul. Now I fear college might be the same. Future looks bleak in reality. In my head, future shines dazzling On the silver screen. The End Rowland is tortuous I want to get out. I swear to you life is better outside. Is that just a childish hope? The hardened side of me thinks so. Big metropolitan apartment and my soul mate husband Together we reside in our safe little haven. Fame. That too. That is all I want of my future. I look in the mirror A happy and content face smiles back at me. That is my future. -CF |
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redwriter1 Member
since 1999-07-22
Posts 480Franklin, TN |
Ohhh sweet girl.. You have all the feelings we all had at that age. Please don't think you are alone at all!.. It's a horrible time. in a woman's life.. when all around you everyone seems to be more than you are.. but ohhh very soon you will see how wrong you are. Don't even think for a moment that you can't be everything you want. And please stop comparing yourself to others, it's a waste of time and energy.. I can tell by your writing, you are a sweet soul and have much to give. Don't worry one minute about others.. or their opinions. they will soon fade.. (sooner than you think) your friend Kay-lynn ------------------ Kay-lynn **A dream is a wish your heart makes :) |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
you certanily are contemplative. the only problem that i see is that you have so many emotions in this poem, that none of them come out completely clear. you touch on many feelings throughtout this poem, but your main point (which i think is a feeling of being worth less than others, uglier that others) is shadowed by the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. where the reader should feel triumph in the last stanza as you've acquired fame, complacency, and a loving husband, the epiphany is drown out by all the other things that went on in this poem. it's not necessarily a bad thing that you have confusing thoughts in here. it adds to the feeling of a lost teen writing this. my only problem is that you don't give your main topic the attention it needs to be the focal point of this poem. there are a lot of lines which just sing, and they are wonderful. keep it up.  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hmmm, driving around naked is a very interesting image but what's wrong with being shallow and superficial? I've argued here and elsewhere that we are all superficial and to lose that would be to lose art to some extent. However, the ending does seem a little jarring if only because of the certainty of the speaker. 'That is my future' after so much doubt and insecurity seems out of place. It's like trying to tell yourself, to make yourself believe, what you already know not to be true. If this was the intent, I would think about writing a 'dramatic' poem; show it as if the character were actually speaking rather than in the 'lyric' form. True, you do have the poem broken up like a story (I liked that) but phrasing itself needs to be more immediate. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Lolita Junior Member
since 1999-11-09
Posts 44Buffalo, NY, America |
On my 17th birthday I asked my oarents for some money, as a present, to go out with. They asked me what had I done to deserve it. On my last birthday, my 18th my father told me i had been a wasted investment and told me that i was going to get no support from him while i was in university. |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
I'm glad things worked out for you. Are you the same ChinaDoll who used to visit WBS Christian FortySomething, if so, I'm Zaxil. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Your poem is very creative and I feel like it is as soft as cotton and as smooth as silk. James |
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